richa
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 4:14 AM
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
10. ARE 'FRIENDS' ELECTRIC?
Nice image, but the 'stills' bugs me. Is it just stopping now, or has it been stopped? If the first, maybe a comma after? If the latter, ...?
some great lines. But lacked somthing i feel
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 7:11 PM
Why should I continue to comment and vote on your poems when within a day you replace them under the guise of a revision? I find the practice frustrating and disrespectful.
What's wrong with being fake? We are all fake. Just be a good fake, and you'll be ok.
I like it, but I agree. How'd you come up with the title?
a nice flow, H - prolly could loose some commas at the start, other than that a solid and fresh sentiment.
cute. Yeah, not crazy about the title either, whether you like being sat on or not.
old chairs get scratched up,glued together or whatever
then keep getting repainted to look nice. But under all that pretty presentable paint it's still the same old chair. and whats wrong with the chair showing all its original charm...as long as the legs (foundation of the chair) is still strong enough to hold it up and serve its purpose?
I really like the puffer fish bit - never seen or considered that and it presents a solid image.
Not bad, really. "Summers" is "Summer's" of course. "Tounge" is "tongue". And "the hair that lays flat" should be "hair that lies flat" without the the.
"to, simply" is a little rough. I'd say to change it to "simply to" but then you'd look like you were trying to rhyme two/to, which is JohnK to the max. You shouldn't ever use ellipses ever again. They're wrong, wrong, wrong. You need something between earth and we - I don't know what, a word maybe. "heal his heart from her departure" would do better with a different preposition. The last line should have more punch.
I wonder if the problem is that you've not positioned a real speaker in the poem (I've noticed this is a recurring thing of yours.) The 'we' narration doesn't allow for a lot of the really fine details; it's like you're orating at a wake, trying to speak for everybody by not speaking too much for any one person - rather than, I don't know, meditating by a new grave. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be the case. It's too general and imageless. I would definitely consider re-working it with a very narrow first-person focus.
S2 is really weak. The rest is okay, but not really my thing.
Do you see how no matter how you screw with the format, your poems are all essentially the same, stylistically?
-Genuinely Curious in AZ
Ananin yara var, ve baban jelos oldu, ibne.
Igao walang kang diti, anak ka nang puta.
"has become" should be "becomes"; that sentence is already complicated enough without the presentperfect or whatever it's called. I like the pause in "blusher, or play," but a comma isn't the way to do it. I think it should be a dash or line-break. And do you think puffer-fish and trout hold together?
;
Disgusting.