wilco
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 11:57 AM
Diseases of the mind are so much worse than those of the body...
Has a pleasant order and precise words. The second verse is not needed I think, I took the first verse as a rhetorical question.
Don't think you need a fourth and fifth verse as they are both answering the same premise (a small mercy remains).
It's more fucked over than a whore at a bachelor party
Who the hell are you?
Before I read ur translation, this was one of my favourite poems!
Now this is my favourite translation of poetry period.
Great Job!
seemz cliche. dunno why. maybe cause Ive read too many poems that say "life sucks"
This is just bad, but I'll give u a 2 for effort
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 12:32 PM
Images aside, I am drawn to an endearing quality in the sound of this.
The best line: "memory -- a small mercy, remains." The worst line: "Even as we watch him returned at last to earth"
A weak line: "believing 'Until death do us part.'"
I wish you would look at these two lines again because the rest is really good.
First line would be better as "dark are the skies of spreading heaven"
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 12:44 PM
Very rhythmic! But lines 1 and 2 seem illogical, in need of reversal. You have come close to the fatal edge of "Life Sucks" poems where "sick" is the only response, and I would hope you'd stay a little farther back from the brink.
you have just commited an unforgivable poetic sin!
Rhyming "sad" with "mad"
I'm giving a 3, since you at least had the kindness not to degenerate to "glad" and "bad"
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 1:58 PM
I don't like rhymes there only to rhyme, and too many appear this time. But I like the haunting images here.
Do you have a stammer? Short term memory problems?
And the simile of verse two is just absurd.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 1:37 PM
I think it's haunting and soothing and causes me to conjure my own images of such days, and that's about all my simple mind sees in it.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe I belong to a certain subset of readers that are just weird, or maybe what I'm about to say is actually a fair assessment.
This poem fails to make a single bit of sense.
But I'll give you a 5 for lunatic randomness
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 2:32 PM
Moses didn't say that. Many people did. Why not use a different title.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 2:37 PM
This is good! Music and emotion, woven, reflecting.
The poem is cute, but the title seems a stretch.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 3:03 PM
"grief entire" is hard to believe. The leaf image is good. It still borders on "Life Sucks" poetry.
A very nice sentiment for the one it is for.
You should preface this with [SPOILER]