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Malaysia (Free verse) by Crakyamuni Mostly managed to chew the chum, misinterpreted nostalgia
or dignity for some
Elegant denizens of the fifth layer celibate, repent and
send messages with a furor like sedatives
disdain for the tenement left me empty and innocent
but I felt so far away from my lovers and miscreants
This is not fantasia, or south central asia,
and how can I express the pulse of Malaysia?
but as a wayward third word, twice past the oppression,
repenting and venting the last one's trangressions
Up the ladder:
Round and Round
Down the ladder:
Spellbound
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Posted: January 10, 2004 5:04 PM PST; Last modified: January 3, 2005 4:15 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.905148 Overall Rank: 9747 Comments:
[9]
zodiac @ 67.240.155.134
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10-Jan-04/5:13 PM
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Reply
Celibate. Otherwise it's all good.
[n/a]
Crakyamuni @ 4.76.39.247
> zodiac
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10-Jan-04/5:58 PM
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Reply
Thanks so much. I totally overlooked that one!
that made little-to-no sense to my eyes, great
Jesus, your end chucks it? It was great until the last two lines? Do I have to teach you how to end a poem?
The end is crap, I will be the second to say so. If you have "constructive" criticism, I'm all eyes. I'm really just a hack here horus. I paint and make shit. It sounds savage, but it is. The last lines were Casteneda influenced, but I'm no warrior. More of a dreamer. Or a drunkard.
Dude? It's not that bad! relax. I love casteneda but got very little from the last two lines. Consentrate, and relax and fix them. You'll do fine.
You're scaring me Horus. Stop, or at least slow the mellowing process, please. Be a doll?
Even tigers sometimes purr.
The only thing I'd change is belly button. too silly for a serious piece. And generally speaking, hacks have no idea what assonance and alliteration are. Now tuck, Nip.
A furor like sedative? both words are kind of opposites.
Likewise trust your belly button is daft. Other than that love the rhythm and rhyme (although to please the purists perhaps it should make more sense in places)
whats your thought on the editing of recent?
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