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On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2) (Free verse) by <~> Snap! Attune and pivot:
A lithe and muscled escape,
A whirling melee of grace,
Spryly sprung over tumbled bramble.
Crash! The tide ebbs, in haste, uphill:
Ten tailed in tiny white flames
Of ermined retreat.
Run! To dun on dun:
Gone.
Up the ladder:
Leaf on the wind
Down the ladder:
On Going Blind
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.285714
Posted: March 11, 2003 6:50 AM PST; Last modified: March 11, 2003 6:50 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.8836646 Overall Rank: 1517 Comments:
The only thing I can say about this one is that line 4 takes a bit too long. The rest are relatively quick to read-which obviously suits the subject, so unless you intended it to be that way...
I am currently stuck redrafting my latest attempt at poetry-any aid you could give would be most welcome. As an afterthought, line 6 is excellent.
Nice read. Good strong sounds. I know what dun means, but don't get dun on dun?
refers i believe to the camouflaged deer disappearing into the like-coloured landscape. clever.
Great rhythm in the last two lines, and assonance to back it up. And the ten tails are perkily descriptive. Wowzers.
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the items after the colons are lists, not sentences. i take some liberties, because i know i am taking them. :p