poemranker ::On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2) by <~>

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 43424

On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2)

by <~>

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Mar 2003 · 8 comments

Snap! Attune and pivot: A lithe and muscled escape, A whirling melee of grace, Spryly sprung over tumbled bramble. Crash! The tide ebbs, in haste, uphill: Ten tailed in tiny white flames Of ermined retreat. Run! To dun on dun: Gone.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 8.29 weighted 5.88 rank 1516 views 288 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

8 comments

[n/a] INTRANSIT 11-Mar-03/7:03 AM Reply
I know why sprung is there ,but is'nt it past tense? this is happening now, i gather. Your pace is slowed with commas,while hasting? You're slowing something that happens quickly,yes? that is all. compared to v-1 this works better. lighter.
[n/a] <~> › INTRANSIT 11-Mar-03/7:07 AM Reply
'sprung' is an adjective here. not a verb. same as 'whirling' and 'muscled' (as--to force one's way) are above.

the items after the colons are lists, not sentences. i take some liberties, because i know i am taking them. :p
[8] lastobelus › <~> 11-Mar-03/3:29 PM Reply
mmm the comma's bug me too. But I disagree with ranger that line 4 is too long. Tumbled bramble is great, it's like physical onomatopoeia. great 8.
[9] Ranger › lastobelus 12-Mar-03/12:49 PM Reply
Ah, I think you misunderstand me here. What there is is fantastic, but for a fast piece it takes too long to say as a single line. I think that zzinnia (see-no capitals!) might want to consider splitting it into two lines. I agree with you that this is an excellent poem, just my opinion on that line is different.
[9] Ranger 11-Mar-03/1:32 PM Reply
The only thing I can say about this one is that line 4 takes a bit too long. The rest are relatively quick to read-which obviously suits the subject, so unless you intended it to be that way...
I am currently stuck redrafting my latest attempt at poetry-any aid you could give would be most welcome.

As an afterthought, line 6 is excellent.
[7] god'swife 12-Mar-03/8:24 PM Reply
Nice read. Good strong sounds. I know what dun means, but don't get dun on dun?
[8] lastobelus › god'swife 13-Mar-03/4:51 AM Reply
refers i believe to the camouflaged deer disappearing into the like-coloured landscape. clever.

[9] Christof 1-Apr-03/7:17 AM Reply
Great rhythm in the last two lines, and assonance to back it up. And the ten tails are perkily descriptive. Wowzers.