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On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2) (Free verse) by <~>
Snap! Attune and pivot: A lithe and muscled escape, A whirling melee of grace, Spryly sprung over tumbled bramble. Crash! The tide ebbs, in haste, uphill: Ten tailed in tiny white flames Of ermined retreat. Run! To dun on dun: Gone.

Up the ladder: Leaf on the wind

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.285714
Weighted score: 5.8836646
Overall Rank: 1517
Posted: March 11, 2003 6:50 AM PST; Last modified: March 11, 2003 6:50 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.106 | 11-Mar-03/7:03 AM | Reply
I know why sprung is there ,but is'nt it past tense? this is happening now, i gather. Your pace is slowed with commas,while hasting? You're slowing something that happens quickly,yes? that is all. compared to v-1 this works better. lighter.
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > INTRANSIT | 11-Mar-03/7:07 AM | Reply
'sprung' is an adjective here. not a verb. same as 'whirling' and 'muscled' (as--to force one's way) are above.

the items after the colons are lists, not sentences. i take some liberties, because i know i am taking them. :p
[8] lastobelus @ 217.82.10.16 > <~> | 11-Mar-03/3:29 PM | Reply
mmm the comma's bug me too. But I disagree with ranger that line 4 is too long. Tumbled bramble is great, it's like physical onomatopoeia. great 8.
[9] Ranger @ 212.140.127.206 > lastobelus | 12-Mar-03/12:49 PM | Reply
Ah, I think you misunderstand me here. What there is is fantastic, but for a fast piece it takes too long to say as a single line. I think that zzinnia (see-no capitals!) might want to consider splitting it into two lines. I agree with you that this is an excellent poem, just my opinion on that line is different.
[9] Ranger @ 62.7.143.49 | 11-Mar-03/1:32 PM | Reply
The only thing I can say about this one is that line 4 takes a bit too long. The rest are relatively quick to read-which obviously suits the subject, so unless you intended it to be that way...
I am currently stuck redrafting my latest attempt at poetry-any aid you could give would be most welcome.

As an afterthought, line 6 is excellent.
[7] god'swife @ 209.178.177.155 | 12-Mar-03/8:24 PM | Reply
Nice read. Good strong sounds. I know what dun means, but don't get dun on dun?
[8] lastobelus @ 213.61.217.3 > god'swife | 13-Mar-03/4:51 AM | Reply
refers i believe to the camouflaged deer disappearing into the like-coloured landscape. clever.

[9] Christof @ 217.44.71.200 | 1-Apr-03/7:17 AM | Reply
Great rhythm in the last two lines, and assonance to back it up. And the ten tails are perkily descriptive. Wowzers.
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