poemranker ::Leaf on the wind by troll454

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Free verse № 13248

Leaf on the wind

by troll454

Member since 2002 · Posted 5 Sep 2002 · 9 comments

We supposed that the old man knew perhaps we were wrong to assume. The day that we came he seemed confused perhaps we were wrong to assume. He had lived there all his life it would seem wrong to him to move, the latch key turned and the door closed the old man shuffled out onto the porch. He was leaving his land, his dreams, his memories the woman he loved, died there the family they raised played there. Where would he go now. A leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind, his dreams and future followed.

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mean 5.89 weighted 5.89 rank 1515 views 184 View voting details →

27 votes so far. Yours would make 28.27 votes so far

9 comments

[7] vulcan 5-Sep-02/8:35 AM Reply
I was impressed indeed!"a leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind,his dreams and future followed."I like to repeat it.liked it.7/10
[9] abi 7-Sep-02/5:44 AM Reply
Sad and poignant-nice I agree with Vulcan
[10] heroditus 7-Sep-02/7:43 AM Reply
Almost haiku like at the end
[10] deleted user 7-Sep-02/1:30 PM Reply
I loved " the leaf crossed his path...."-moved me -10/10
[10] bornagainpoet 10-Sep-02/5:47 AM Reply
A painful picture, nice way to end it.
[4] nentwined 10-Sep-02/1:55 PM Reply
I can't say this moved me.
[3] beakism 10-Sep-02/2:03 PM Reply
Besides the obvious, rather unremarkable final two lines, I don't see that this poem has anything to recommend it. Presumably the high votes are due to its emotional subject, but banal writing cannot stand up on its subject matter.
[5] deleted user 10-Sep-02/3:40 PM Reply
I think the last lines are effective because they give you a sense of place and an image to put in your mind. Most of the poem lacks concrete images to grasp -- basically the first 5 lines have no imagery at all. I recommend going back and trying to paint the picture with less telling and more showing.
[9] decadentlaurel 15-Sep-02/8:46 PM Reply
A leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind,

would sound better as

A leaf crossed his path, carried on the wind