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Leaf on the wind (Free verse) by troll454 We supposed that the old man knew
perhaps we were wrong to assume.
The day that we came he seemed confused
perhaps we were wrong to assume.
He had lived there all his life
it would seem wrong to him to move,
the latch key turned and the door closed
the old man shuffled out onto the porch.
He was leaving his land, his dreams, his memories
the woman he loved, died there
the family they raised played there.
Where would he go now.
A leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind,
his dreams and future followed.
Up the ladder:
Haunted
Down the ladder:
On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.888889
Posted: September 5, 2002 6:59 AM PDT; Last modified: September 5, 2002 6:59 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.886691 Overall Rank: 1516 Comments:
[7]
vulcan @ 80.242.3.151
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5-Sep-02/8:35 AM
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Reply
I was impressed indeed!"a leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind,his dreams and future followed."I like to repeat it.liked it.7/10
Sad and poignant-nice I agree with Vulcan
Almost haiku like at the end
I loved " the leaf crossed his path...."-moved me -10/10
A painful picture, nice way to end it.
I can't say this moved me.
Besides the obvious, rather unremarkable final two lines, I don't see that this poem has anything to recommend it. Presumably the high votes are due to its emotional subject, but banal writing cannot stand up on its subject matter.
I think the last lines are effective because they give you a sense of place and an image to put in your mind. Most of the poem lacks concrete images to grasp -- basically the first 5 lines have no imagery at all. I recommend going back and trying to paint the picture with less telling and more showing.
A leaf crossed his path and was carried on the wind,
would sound better as A leaf crossed his path, carried on the wind 184 view(s)
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