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plain (Free verse) by blackball i was left standing, by myself, holding hands with the air
the bleak moon stared down upon me and seeing that i was a solitary
figure, stood aside and let me be.
i watched slowly as days went by, fluttering past at an alarming rate.
my life is going by, i'm not noticing
i'm noticing nothing but you
indirect emotion lingering on your breath
you didn't know what to say
Up the ladder:
battle within, graceful losing
Down the ladder:
Lucky
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Posted: December 24, 2002 12:09 AM PST; Last modified: December 27, 2002 10:49 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.9602656 Overall Rank: 8550 Comments:
[6]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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24-Dec-02/8:34 PM
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Reply
you might want to think of editing this a bit more up and down, or do it dada, something...you know what i'm saying?.6m
[n/a]
blackball @ 142.166.242.206
> horus8
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27-Dec-02/10:40 PM
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Reply
no...i'm afraid i don't know. care to teach?
[n/a]
Bachus @ 24.126.113.154
> blackball
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28-Dec-02/2:06 PM
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Reply
actually, d.a did the penis, z did the violin.
Make it active rather than passive for staters. "nothing" to anything.
but i'm trying to say that all i'm noticeing is her...not trying to draw my attention away...trying to focus in
That comes through. I think what horus was aiming at was a reduction in language. You can do this by making the passive phrasing active. I stand correct on the anything. I did not see the double use of noticing. You have something here; it just needs a bit of tinkering.
any other suggestions?
Cut - i was left standing, by myself. Start with holding hands with air. that communicates that you are alone. The fact that you are reaching (by holding hands) with air creates an image that the narrator was left. So this works. Change stared to staring. Take the reader there with you, make it active. I get confused after that. What are you saying. You mention one moment. They day (or night) of the leaving, then you mention days. What is going on there? What do you want to say?
L1 &L2--you don't need both 'by myself' and 'solitary'.
L4: change to 'as days fluttered past' i believe that's what p&k and h8 are suggesting, and i agree.
sure, i'd love to..'dada', (i don't know if i'm spelling it correctly),
is poetry in a artistic shape that works on maby levels within the readers psyche, but i can give you a better example. a poem i wrote called hey, shut up and cut my grass. z wrote one shaped like a penis..but i don't think that dada is even necisarily applicable to this poetic situation, let me do an edit, try this. i was left standing, by myself holding hands with the air, the bleak moon stared down upon me and seeing that i was a solitary figure, stood aside and let me be. I watched slowly as days went by, fluttering past at an alarming rate. my life is going by too, i'm noticing nothing but you, indirect emotion lingering on your breath you didn't know what to say so you didn't say anything.a
the edit still needs to be cleaned up, but i think you get the point.
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