poemranker ::plain by blackball

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Free verse № 31635

plain

by blackball

Member since 2002 · Posted 24 Dec 2002 · Edited 27 Dec 2002 · 11 comments

i was left standing, by myself, holding hands with the air the bleak moon stared down upon me and seeing that i was a solitary figure, stood aside and let me be. i watched slowly as days went by, fluttering past at an alarming rate. my life is going by, i'm not noticing i'm noticing nothing but you indirect emotion lingering on your breath you didn't know what to say

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mean 4.67 weighted 4.96 rank 8535 views 125 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

11 comments

[6] horus8 24-Dec-02/8:34 PM Reply
you might want to think of editing this a bit more up and down, or do it dada, something...you know what i'm saying?.6m
[n/a] blackball › horus8 27-Dec-02/10:40 PM Reply
no...i'm afraid i don't know. care to teach?
[n/a] Bachus › blackball 28-Dec-02/2:06 PM Reply
actually, d.a did the penis, z did the violin.
[n/a] poetandknowit 27-Dec-02/10:46 PM Reply
Make it active rather than passive for staters. "nothing" to anything.
[n/a] blackball › poetandknowit 27-Dec-02/10:48 PM Reply
but i'm trying to say that all i'm noticeing is her...not trying to draw my attention away...trying to focus in
[n/a] poetandknowit › blackball 27-Dec-02/10:52 PM Reply
That comes through. I think what horus was aiming at was a reduction in language. You can do this by making the passive phrasing active. I stand correct on the anything. I did not see the double use of noticing. You have something here; it just needs a bit of tinkering.
[n/a] blackball › poetandknowit 27-Dec-02/10:56 PM Reply
any other suggestions?
[n/a] poetandknowit › blackball 27-Dec-02/11:10 PM Reply
Cut - i was left standing, by myself. Start with holding hands with air. that communicates that you are alone. The fact that you are reaching (by holding hands) with air creates an image that the narrator was left. So this works. Change stared to staring. Take the reader there with you, make it active. I get confused after that. What are you saying. You mention one moment. They day (or night) of the leaving, then you mention days. What is going on there? What do you want to say?
[6] <~> 27-Dec-02/11:39 PM Reply
L1 &L2--you don't need both 'by myself' and 'solitary'.
L4: change to 'as days fluttered past'

i believe that's what p&k and h8 are suggesting, and i agree.
[6] horus8 28-Dec-02/12:18 PM Reply
sure, i'd love to..'dada', (i don't know if i'm spelling it correctly),
is poetry in a artistic shape that works on maby levels within the readers psyche, but i can give you a better example. a poem i wrote called hey, shut up and cut my grass. z wrote one shaped like a penis..but i don't think that dada is even necisarily applicable to this poetic situation, let me do an edit, try this.

i was left standing,
by myself holding hands
with the air, the bleak
moon stared down upon me
and seeing that i was a
solitary figure, stood
aside and let me be.

I watched slowly as days
went by, fluttering past
at an alarming rate.
my life is going by
too, i'm noticing nothing
but you, indirect emotion
lingering on your breath
you didn't know
what to say
so you didn't
say anything.a
[6] horus8 28-Dec-02/12:21 PM Reply
the edit still needs to be cleaned up, but i think you get the point.