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plain (Free verse) by blackball

i was left standing, by myself, holding hands with the air the bleak moon stared down upon me and seeing that i was a solitary figure, stood aside and let me be. i watched slowly as days went by, fluttering past at an alarming rate. my life is going by, i'm not noticing i'm noticing nothing but you indirect emotion lingering on your breath you didn't know what to say

poetandknowit 27-Dec-02/11:10 PM
Cut - i was left standing, by myself. Start with holding hands with air. that communicates that you are alone. The fact that you are reaching (by holding hands) with air creates an image that the narrator was left. So this works. Change stared to staring. Take the reader there with you, make it active. I get confused after that. What are you saying. You mention one moment. They day (or night) of the leaving, then you mention days. What is going on there? What do you want to say?




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