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"Why would I need to get in touch with you?" (Free verse) by Limness The weight of those words
crushes me
The mean in between
/that you did not think/
sinks
/and i bleed quietly/
It's nothing
It's nothing
You didn't blink
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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.181818
Posted: November 17, 2002 6:04 PM PST; Last modified: November 18, 2002 2:00 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.590909 Overall Rank: 2324 Comments:
[6]
-=SeTTle=- @ 140.186.47.112
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17-Nov-02/6:21 PM
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Reply
POETRY IS THE "OPIATE OF THEM ASSES"
[n/a]
<~> @ 172.159.181.19
> -=SeTTle=-
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17-Nov-02/6:26 PM
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Reply
yes, but who is the truest ass here, sirrah?
probably me, after that little stunt "dynamic duo". Very accurate,L .
i asked someone for their number; see title for their response. at least you can proudly say you earned a slam.
write what you see. forget about what others will think. so sayeth z.
Please do not flatter yourself.
Too anorexic. I think 'The weight of those words" would add some much needed direction. Also try title in qoutes. What do you think?
better? it's so fucking close to home i can't see it, so i appreciate the help.
The change is an improvement. I would drop one "nothing". Or, last line : Did not blink. I dunno, scribble it on paper first.
thanks. my reasoning? i like the two "nothing"s because it's more self-effacing that way--as my "i" is lowercase, and his is uppercase. and i'm keeping "didn't" instead of "did not" because his attitude towards me was so flip, so casual.
now that's entertainment. 8.
I like "The mean in between".
Wow. And ouch. This is terrific. I love its spareness and immediacy; also, the internal rhyming and the double meaning of "mean." Agree with you re: doubling "it's nothing"--a person, reacting, would surely have said it twice, dazed.
Was this originally "the weight of your words"? I think I'd prefer the "your"--"those" seems too removed. Have a 10 for your pains.
i'm going to side with mrs.g on this. using "those" and referring to the words pushes the speaker waaay back--very stunned. makes a 'thing' of the words themselves, giving them the power they have had to sting. see it?
Yeah--it makes of them something untouchable (<i>those words</i>)--but I'm all for assigning responsibility. ;)
Why do you have the //// in there? Why not. >>>> or <<<< or ^^^^^ or }}}} or [[[[ or |||||||? What to they add to this here poem? And when are you going to write another triangle? Should I post the response you should have said to him as a poem. Maybe titled: If Z was in here right mind this is what she should have said to the furnace fixer?
yes. but make it a triangle. please.
Are you drunk and at the barn?
fuck you.
comment deleter (new word).
that's a phrase. a label. and true.
publish the furnace-builder. it'll make me smile in the morning.
"that you did not think" what? I can guess but I want you to tell me in one or two words. I think that's just a personal thing. Very nice, like a piece of driftwood.
the action of not thinking and saying. that he did not think when the words came out; that he did not thik what they would mean, what they did mean. also, it's like a physical blow, set apart like that--because i expected him to think, to care, to not be such a tool.
i give this one two swastikas up! lovely work. 9
why not...write a poem about it?
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