poemranker ::lovely by pink_punk_kisses87

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Free verse № 15415

lovely

by pink_punk_kisses87

Member since 2002 · Posted 16 Sep 2002 · 18 comments

As I watch you sleep I look at your lovely brown hair. I gaze at how graceful your hands lay. I touch your soft pale cheeks with my fingertips. I look at how your eyes gently fall upon the other. I run my hand through your fine limp hair. I smell the sent of your sweet light skin and fall in love with you more. I kiss your salty full lips and then stand up and at your open coffin and smile.

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mean 4.64 weighted 4.82 rank 10924 views 131 View voting details →

11 votes so far. Yours would make 12.11 votes so far

18 comments

[n/a] <~> 16-Sep-02/4:35 PM Reply
they no longer preserve corpses with salt, ppk87
[n/a] pink_punk_kisses87 › <~> 16-Sep-02/4:46 PM Reply
do you think i should take that part out then? im open for ideas
[n/a] <~> › pink_punk_kisses87 16-Sep-02/4:48 PM Reply
well, it's a nice teaser, but it's false. and the bit about the eyes--can you elaborate on what you were going for here, because eyes in coffins are notoriously closed...
[n/a] pink_punk_kisses87 › <~> 16-Sep-02/5:04 PM Reply
thanks....but im not sure what your meaning when you say to "elaborate" about the eyes???????
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 16-Sep-02/5:22 PM Reply
Oh horror! YOU REALLY THWARTED MY EXPECTATIONS WITH THIS ONE!!!!!!11111111111111
[n/a] god'swife 16-Sep-02/5:42 PM Reply
Who is this person? Start there. mother, sister, friend. Watch can become so many other things; attend, regard, mark, glimpse, etc... use a thesaurus it's your best friend. You'll hear some idiots spout stupidities about the illegitimacy of using one. Don't listen. All good poets use them. Infact try to find an old used thesaurus that isn't organized alphabetically. Take to reading it. That's an education.
" I mark your sleep. The lovely brown of your hair./ Your hands like..... It takes hours upon hours to work out a poem. The ones that come spontaneously are gifts, and have little to do witht he writers craft. Don't give up.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › god'swife 16-Sep-02/5:55 PM Reply
What smug advice! I'd listen carefully, pink_punk! I'm sure you'll be a GREAT POETE IN NO TIME! Would you like a few words to get you started on your "list of useful words" (gods'wife suggested you make one)!? Maybe you could use them in a poeme! Who knows!? lol!

talentless, dull, weak, you, yes, you, AIDS
[n/a] god'swife › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 16-Sep-02/5:57 PM Reply
You know you can delete Mr. shit-angels comments by pressing clicking on the red x.
[n/a] ==Doylum › god'swife 16-Sep-02/6:00 PM Reply
how dare you suggest such a thing, i hate censorship, especially when it concerns the brown trousered one. Delete comments? that is disgusting
[n/a] ==Doylum › ==Doylum 16-Sep-02/6:02 PM Reply
his words are gospel get to the kitchen with you woman
[n/a] god'swife › ==Doylum 16-Sep-02/6:04 PM Reply
I would tend to agree with you {--=Doylum=--}, but in extreme cases it's an option. Kind of like abortion. His comments are hurtful, yes hurtful. Best to delete the malignancy.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › god'swife 16-Sep-02/6:05 PM Reply
You could delete my comments. But you'd only be lying to yourself.
[10] loneshadow29 17-Sep-02/9:43 AM Reply
wow... I slowly read the poem, gaining the picture in my mind... first I thought you watched him while he slept but then I was thrown at the end... it's a good poem :o) And furthermore, I apologize for the childish responses I read after this poem... you're a good poet and I look forward to more of your work :o)
[6] Limness 17-Sep-02/9:53 AM Reply
necrophiliac. "A Rose for Emily" and one for pink-punk-kisses as well! Hurrah! still, it's evocative. Graceful-ly (you need the -ly). And, what 'other' do the eyes gently fall upon? Aren't they closed?
[3] [mojo] 17-Sep-02/10:52 AM Reply
The phrase "limp hair" made me feel slightly nauseous. It has to be said that this is an improvement on your last offering. I'll keep an eye out for your next.3.
[2] razorgrin 18-Sep-02/6:55 AM Reply
my necrophilia poem was better. the "limp hair" bit makes me think of a shampoo ad. "stand up and at your open coffin and smile"is a little awkward."I look at how your eyes gently fall upon the other." makes very little sense. Also, a body in a coffin has been embalmed. its lips aren't salty, they're chemically. They're only salty if they're very fresh, more if they're sweaty or bloody or have tears spilled on them. I'm only saying, objectively of course, that you should get the mechanics of death right before you write.
[7] horus8 25-Dec-02/10:03 PM Reply
almost there, maybe add another beginning sentence for 'setting' than space, then stanza, sentence close.
[10] deleted user 29-Jan-03/5:25 PM Reply
can't really say anything that hasn't been said already, whatev, nice