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lovely (Free verse) by pink_punk_kisses87 As I watch you sleep I look at your lovely brown hair.
I gaze at how graceful your hands lay.
I touch your soft pale cheeks with my fingertips.
I look at how your eyes gently fall upon the other.
I run my hand through your fine limp hair.
I smell the sent of your sweet light skin and fall in love with you more.
I kiss your salty full lips and then stand up and at your open coffin
and smile.
Up the ladder:
Seasons
Down the ladder:
Unveiled
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6363635
Posted: September 16, 2002 4:28 PM PDT; Last modified: September 16, 2002 4:28 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.818182 Overall Rank: 10936 Comments:
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<~> @ 24.44.185.41
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16-Sep-02/4:35 PM
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they no longer preserve corpses with salt, ppk87
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pink_punk_kisses87 @ 216.60.216.6
> <~>
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16-Sep-02/4:46 PM
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do you think i should take that part out then? im open for ideas
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<~> @ 24.44.185.41
> pink_punk_kisses87
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16-Sep-02/4:48 PM
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well, it's a nice teaser, but it's false. and the bit about the eyes--can you elaborate on what you were going for here, because eyes in coffins are notoriously closed...
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pink_punk_kisses87 @ 216.60.216.6
> <~>
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16-Sep-02/5:04 PM
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thanks....but im not sure what your meaning when you say to "elaborate" about the eyes???????
Oh horror! YOU REALLY THWARTED MY EXPECTATIONS WITH THIS ONE!!!!!!11111111111111
Who is this person? Start there. mother, sister, friend. Watch can become so many other things; attend, regard, mark, glimpse, etc... use a thesaurus it's your best friend. You'll hear some idiots spout stupidities about the illegitimacy of using one. Don't listen. All good poets use them. Infact try to find an old used thesaurus that isn't organized alphabetically. Take to reading it. That's an education.
" I mark your sleep. The lovely brown of your hair./ Your hands like..... It takes hours upon hours to work out a poem. The ones that come spontaneously are gifts, and have little to do witht he writers craft. Don't give up.
What smug advice! I'd listen carefully, pink_punk! I'm sure you'll be a GREAT POETE IN NO TIME! Would you like a few words to get you started on your "list of useful words" (gods'wife suggested you make one)!? Maybe you could use them in a poeme! Who knows!? lol!
talentless, dull, weak, you, yes, you, AIDS
You know you can delete Mr. shit-angels comments by pressing clicking on the red x.
how dare you suggest such a thing, i hate censorship, especially when it concerns the brown trousered one. Delete comments? that is disgusting
his words are gospel get to the kitchen with you woman
I would tend to agree with you {--=Doylum=--}, but in extreme cases it's an option. Kind of like abortion. His comments are hurtful, yes hurtful. Best to delete the malignancy.
You could delete my comments. But you'd only be lying to yourself.
wow... I slowly read the poem, gaining the picture in my mind... first I thought you watched him while he slept but then I was thrown at the end... it's a good poem :o) And furthermore, I apologize for the childish responses I read after this poem... you're a good poet and I look forward to more of your work :o)
necrophiliac. "A Rose for Emily" and one for pink-punk-kisses as well! Hurrah! still, it's evocative. Graceful-ly (you need the -ly). And, what 'other' do the eyes gently fall upon? Aren't they closed?
The phrase "limp hair" made me feel slightly nauseous. It has to be said that this is an improvement on your last offering. I'll keep an eye out for your next.3.
my necrophilia poem was better. the "limp hair" bit makes me think of a shampoo ad. "stand up and at your open coffin and smile"is a little awkward."I look at how your eyes gently fall upon the other." makes very little sense. Also, a body in a coffin has been embalmed. its lips aren't salty, they're chemically. They're only salty if they're very fresh, more if they're sweaty or bloody or have tears spilled on them. I'm only saying, objectively of course, that you should get the mechanics of death right before you write.
almost there, maybe add another beginning sentence for 'setting' than space, then stanza, sentence close.
can't really say anything that hasn't been said already, whatev, nice
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