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Tide (Free verse) by <~> Sitting on the seawall
Before the summer storm she said
Something's slipped away
Seven months slid by, and
Snow laces the tide and
Rides the currents in the greyed sky
And chills my cheeks, burning
Finds me drifting in memory and
Furious with my own leaking
With all this seeking a
Meaning
Up the ladder:
Prometheus sang for vultures
Down the ladder:
Salt
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5384617
Posted: September 13, 2002 1:15 PM PDT; Last modified: September 13, 2002 1:30 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.528165 Overall Rank: 661 Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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13-Sep-02/1:21 PM
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Reply
shit happens...por que? que lastima me' bonita.h
god DAMN i like this one! there's something so wintery about all your poems. can't wait to see what happens when winter is finally here.
Even better. Much. There is a lot going on in here in terms of pace and rhythm. Random alliteration and rhyme peppered in spurts and then the leaking, seeking, meaning, brings home the bacon (and fries it up in the pan). Swank.
It doesn't take long to realise there are only a handful of people posting anything rewarding here. You are on my list. Is there very slight assonance between "seawall" and "summer storm"? Very subtle. "Tide,rides,sky" I'm a sucker for rhyme. "Furious with my own leaking" jars slightly, would appreciate explanation of this line.9.
mojo--crying. that's why it jars. i was crying.
Yes, that's what I thought, I was just testing...but still, I don't know..leaking...makes the narrator appear as an object rather than a person, it's very dehumanising. Maybe that's the effect you were after, but it looks a little as though you were just trying to avoid "crying" etc. 'cos you find the "easier" choice of word "amateur". The beginning of the piece is very subtle, maybe a punch of plain old ordinary words at the end would give it a "kick". Anyway, of all the words you could have used...leaking....hmmmm. Then again it got me interested so what the hell. It's nit-picking at best. Nice work.
well, mojo, it was one of those winters where i was always holding back the tears, and sometimes, no matter how i strained to keep it inside, my eyes would redden, and i'd excuse myself. it really did feel like a tide swelling up inside--and leak is the word for how it came out, because i never stopped fighting the crying. fuck, that was a lousy year.
Sound, image and being economical with well-invested words create the sensual atmosphere of the poem like a hearth in a pool of snow.
I liked it very much like your "Falling".I sent you an email.thanks.
I liked it very much like your "Falling".I sent you an email.thanks.
this keeps me tottering on the edge of each line until the end -- a very nice feeling, especially on caffeine. :)
Good grief, I can't believ I've never seen this one before. My radar must have been switched on. This is a killer, anyway - 'Furious with my own leaking' is such a strong phrase.
Seawall? Dyke? 4??////// YOU CHEATED ON ME IN DEED AND IN THOUGHT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN/
thanks for painting this VIVID WORD PICTURE, lady.
what ? only 3 zeros? you need to make up your mind, my love.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO???? 264 view(s)
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