Free verse № 107217
Translation
She wrote a poem in Spanish
and its rhythm flowed like water.
âTell me what it says,â I asked.
âA thing so fluid must be true.â
âIt does not sound so good in English,â
she apologized,
and frowned as she studied the verse.
âItâs about a girl who loved greatly a man,
who is killed, and the girl cries,
because her lover is dead,
and her love will live forever.
You understand?â
How trite it sounded spoken
beside her melodic verse.
How might English spin these thoughts
to rest as soft as hers?
She spoke from the soul
of foreign tongue
and my tongueâs soul had not the words
except in weak translation.
âIt is very beautiful,â I said.
31 comments
The second line in the second couplet troubles me. I know there has to be a smoother way to write that.
That first couplet though, is killer, great meter, concise intro, very strong, it grabs me.
if you left out the last two lines in the first long stanza, it would have more impact. Let the reader come to some conclusions. Don't explain it for us. it's so much sweeter when you let the audience figure it out. Also 'you understand?' is a funny and real. It makes a nice way to end the stanza. Is she talking to you or are you talking to us? I like that.
You don't need 'I thought' at the beginning of the next stanza, or 'written'. This stanzas confusing, yo9u got ''thought' twice, again, maybe if you removed the first one it would be easier, or you could change 'the' to 'these' in front of 'thought' in the 3rd line.
'of a foreign tongue'
The endings perfect, so overall a good poem, I enjoyed it.
I think you could loose most of the commas though (not hers) and it would be stronger for it (especially the ones before "and").
last three stanzas and my only suggestion is the third
stanza. IMO, it doesn't quite flow as well as the rest
of the poem. Still, it's exceptional as is. Good stuff
and a solid nine.
You think that because you don't understand Spanish very well. Or English, for that matter. Anyways, that's why Spanish sounds deep and meaningful to you.
PS-English is largely a romantic language. The words "is", "largely", "romantic", and "language" are all Rome-originated, for example.
You're absolutely right about Russian. I have a poet friend who recites in Russian, she was born there, moved here when she was 14. I also enjoy Russian folk music. I think it's a very emotional language as well, from the little she was able to translate for me. They also have similar vowel sounds to the Spanish, I do believe that makes a difference. I'm no linguist, it would be interesting to do some research on the subject.
I think Arabic, the language I'm learning now, is beautiful, though most people say it sounds like crap.
PS-I've lived months in Spanish-speaking countries. Most of the time they're saying things like, 'Hey, Rosalita, where'd you put the habaneros?' and 'Listen, girl, why don't you suck my giant rat!' and all the tourists are like, 'Oooh! It's the language of romance!!!!!'
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