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Translation (Free verse) by Dovina She wrote a poem in Spanish
and its rhythm flowed like water.
âTell me what it says,â I asked.
âA thing so fluid must be true.â
âIt does not sound so good in English,â
she apologized,
and frowned as she studied the verse.
âItâs about a girl who loved greatly a man,
who is killed, and the girl cries,
because her lover is dead,
and her love will live forever.
You understand?â
How trite it sounded spoken
beside her melodic verse.
How might English spin these thoughts
to rest as soft as hers?
She spoke from the soul
of foreign tongue
and my tongueâs soul had not the words
except in weak translation.
âIt is very beautiful,â I said.
Up the ladder:
walking
Down the ladder:
Why I want to kill Opie
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: July 3, 2004 9:13 AM PDT; Last modified: July 4, 2004 5:54 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.0 Overall Rank: 1264 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[8]
DreamerSupreme @ 204.31.164.211
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3-Jul-04/9:26 AM
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Reply
Oh the ways that one succumbs. Take my eight and go in peace oh ms. shady tongued and polite.
Very good. I like the way you pertray the girl and the how you make here speak, good attention to detail there.
The second line in the second couplet troubles me. I know there has to be a smoother way to write that. That first couplet though, is killer, great meter, concise intro, very strong, it grabs me. if you left out the last two lines in the first long stanza, it would have more impact. Let the reader come to some conclusions. Don't explain it for us. it's so much sweeter when you let the audience figure it out. Also 'you understand?' is a funny and real. It makes a nice way to end the stanza. Is she talking to you or are you talking to us? I like that. You don't need 'I thought' at the beginning of the next stanza, or 'written'. This stanzas confusing, yo9u got ''thought' twice, again, maybe if you removed the first one it would be easier, or you could change 'the' to 'these' in front of 'thought' in the 3rd line. 'of a foreign tongue' The endings perfect, so overall a good poem, I enjoyed it.
Thanks for your suggestions. I will definitely consider them.
Blobby blobby blobby 9/10
Not to be picky, but don't you think that the clunk of speech really suits that couplet? To me it's most frank and true.
quite nice, this.
I think you could loose most of the commas though (not hers) and it would be stronger for it (especially the ones before "and").
Yep, before "and" for sure, and I'll scratch the capital B in beside. Thanks, Shuushin.
You is welcome.
It is very beautiful.
This is really quite a lovely little poem. I love the
last three stanzas and my only suggestion is the third stanza. IMO, it doesn't quite flow as well as the rest of the poem. Still, it's exceptional as is. Good stuff and a solid nine.
You seem to be suggesting there is some merit in an idea that can only be adequately articulated in one language. What buncombe. A meaningful statement can be expressed in any comprehensive language, such as English, and any information lost in the translation can only be meaningless, emotive hogwash.
"Any information lost in the translation can only be meaningless"? How silly! All languages contain cultural shades of meaning that don't translate well, especially when trying to translate one of the "romantic" language into English. The poet in this poem, whose native tongue is Spanish, tried to aid my understanding of her meaning, but could do so only partly through her learned lanuage, English. For me, it was like seeing through a tarnished glass.
re: "All languages contain cultural shades of meaning that don't translate well,"
You think that because you don't understand Spanish very well. Or English, for that matter. Anyways, that's why Spanish sounds deep and meaningful to you. PS-English is largely a romantic language. The words "is", "largely", "romantic", and "language" are all Rome-originated, for example.
Obviously your grasp of Spanish is extremely weak. The reason I like this poem is because it is completely accurate. Spanish makes even the mundane sound beautiful.
How do you think Spanish makes the mundane sound beautiful?
The huge variety of words, syntax, and yes the vowel sounds, you could compare dark words straight out and they just don't feel as ugly as there English counterparts, also the fact that they haven't changed much over the centuries. Also the expressions that are used are very dear, tied up in tradition. In Spanish culture the emotions are rarely controlled, the language reflects this. Everything's a passion, good or bad, love or hate.
You're absolutely right about Russian. I have a poet friend who recites in Russian, she was born there, moved here when she was 14. I also enjoy Russian folk music. I think it's a very emotional language as well, from the little she was able to translate for me. They also have similar vowel sounds to the Spanish, I do believe that makes a difference. I'm no linguist, it would be interesting to do some research on the subject.
I have a friend who speaks incredible, erection-inducing Russian.
I think Arabic, the language I'm learning now, is beautiful, though most people say it sounds like crap.
To me, Spanish makes everything sound greasy and ignorant. Lesson learned: Spanish doesn't make things sound beautiful, it makes things sound like what you think Spaniards are like.
PPS-I knew that 'romantic' wasn't the correct term for language or culture derived from Rome, but you didn't!!!!!
Assuming for continuation that all of your diatribe is true, how do you explain the girl's difficulty in making me understand her feeling?
Hmmm. Could it be that neither of you speaks the other's language very well???!?!? YES! The problem isn't that the words don't exist in English to capture what she'd said in Spanish, or anything of the sort; it's just that she doesn't know them, and you don't know Spanish well enough to do it, either.
PS-I've lived months in Spanish-speaking countries. Most of the time they're saying things like, 'Hey, Rosalita, where'd you put the habaneros?' and 'Listen, girl, why don't you suck my giant rat!' and all the tourists are like, 'Oooh! It's the language of romance!!!!!'
No. For example, to say "Ian loves Felicity" is merely shorthand for "Ian experiences a strong, partially sexual attachment to Felicity, due to a combination of a hormonal response and envionmental factors," or something. If you say, "Ian is enamoured of his darling Felicity," then that doesn't add any information, it just makes it sound more soppy. QED.
You can't actually believe it's so mathematically simple?
Can't I? Oh, alright then.
Lol!
Please tell, then, what's the difference in meaning between "Ian (non-platonically) loves Felicity" and "Ian is enamoured of his darling Felicity?" Do they have different falsification conditions?
They are the same, except if you say the second one you are gay.
Opps. My comment was supposed to be a reply to Dovina's.
Yes, I like this one.
Thanks and welcome back. How was the beach?
Looks great.
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