god'swife3 Jul 2004

Very good. I like the way you pertray the girl and the how you make here speak, good attention to detail there.

The second line in the second couplet troubles me. I know there has to be a smoother way to write that.

That first couplet though, is killer, great meter, concise intro, very strong, it grabs me.

if you left out the last two lines in the first long stanza, it would have more impact. Let the reader come to some conclusions. Don't explain it for us. it's so much sweeter when you let the audience figure it out. Also 'you understand?' is a funny and real. It makes a nice way to end the stanza. Is she talking to you or are you talking to us? I like that.

You don't need 'I thought' at the beginning of the next stanza, or 'written'. This stanzas confusing, yo9u got ''thought' twice, again, maybe if you removed the first one it would be easier, or you could change 'the' to 'these' in front of 'thought' in the 3rd line.

'of a foreign tongue'

The endings perfect, so overall a good poem, I enjoyed it.