| Re: Right side by <~> |
24-Oct-03/4:21 PM |
Harmonic in its dissonance. Interesting, I like this description a great deal. It is a simple indication of an unresolved but accepted complexity.
My reading suggests the following change:
'a chorus harmonic in its six-legged dissonance,
never completely soothing the restlessness inside'
The second line reemphasizes the first I think (as opposed to contradicting it with a 'but').
Or maybe my reading was wrong - as can do.
|
|
|
 |
| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Oct-03/10:32 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Oct-03/11:48 AM |
You must really care about this poem. I've seen it at least four times in different incarnations.
This is the best edit yet, I believe. Clear and more powerful (a subtle inevitable kind of power) in the end than I remember the original to be.
(But I wish people would leave old comments. I think the history of a poem is sometimes as interesting as the poem itself).
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-03/8:42 AM |
First line is good (I would argue with hh about archaisms and the use of my child in particular)
Second line metered but fluffy and ambiguous enough to cause people to miss the connection to the rest
Excellent second stanza
First line of third stanza is good, but the colour choices and the absence of explanation for these colours in the second is amgibuous enough to quench the power of the first.
Summary: 2nd and 6th lines are the weak points in my eye, but I like the second stanza, the concept of the colour of sun, and my reading of the poem as a whole.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Santa Anna's fire and red sun by Bachus |
29-Oct-03/2:54 PM |
My prophetic soul! Remember I was bitching about how dry lake Arrowhead was ('Lake Arrowhead' Oct 19th, 2003)?
Good capture. Even in LA it looks like the fucking apocalypse, I can't imagine being at the place where the heart of the fire would be (if it had one).
|
|
|
|
| Re: Saint Peggy Seeger by Retaliate |
4-Nov-03/10:41 PM |
Do a google search on 'Song of Choice' to get lyrics,
then 'Peggy Seeger' to see the author.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Nov-03/12:18 PM |
|
I like this one, shoey. Which most surreal? Excellent.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Memoirs IV by http://mulberryfairy |
9-Nov-03/8:01 PM |
|
I like your collection of snapshots. I didn't know they got hurricanes up in Maine, though. <~
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
13-Nov-03/1:56 AM |
Okay shameless plug. There is an excellent website called www.songfight.com where they post the title of a song. One writes a song based on that title and submits it. This is the lyrics for my submission laid over a folky guitar, banjo, and some damn fine soothing harmonies.
This week is 'Feathers' so check out my song on the 18th (you can also listen to my three previous submissions 'Need Stilts'(abec), 'What We Need More of is Science'(abec), and 'Happy Machine Ankle' (by Sean Canary and the Scottish Parliament Funkadelic)! Also visit the archives and listen to anything Brother Machine has submitted - expecially 'Space Cadet' and 'Driving'.
|
|
|
|
| Re: A Parable Of War by Caducus |
21-Nov-03/10:27 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: Sequence by http://mulberryfairy |
26-Jan-04/10:38 AM |
|
Strangely exposed. I don't like 'strangely' here. It implies that you are a confused observer to yourself - not really understanding what is going on around you. It has the effect of distancing you (and therefore the reader) from the scene. Focus on the the nature of the wound that exposes the brain tissue and derive your adjective in that manner.
|
|
|
|
| Re: the small drop by richa |
26-Jan-04/10:50 AM |
|
Wonderful, richa. Perhaps '..and weigh through it every angle'. I think it fits more with what you're getting at (or at least my simple understanding of your intent).
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-May-04/2:17 PM |
|
If I were an egyptologist I would say that this poem is the 'ka' of "Waking Ned Devine". I get the same smirky nostalgic feeling for a culture that once was mine.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Jul-04/10:25 PM |
|
When I read this my nihilism surfaces and I am forced to beat it back down into its proper place.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Jul-04/10:33 PM |
|
This one speaks to me for some reason. Illusion of auburn is nice. Calm and patient in its passion.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Jul-04/11:49 PM |
|
Now that's just damn pleasing to the senses. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jul-04/12:25 AM |
This reads as a critique, but maybe it's a manifesto. My impression is that you were more traditionally religious than to be a secular humanist, but that's just my impression.
Either way this is a false impression of secular humanism. At the very least is presented wholly in the negative.
It's like claiming that Christianity is all about doing whatever it takes to appease some fickle higher power so that you can get into heaven.
How about this:
secular humanism
in a world divided
by race
by religion
by politics
the only universal
is that we are human
in a world divided
by superstition
by tonics
by voodoo
the only universal
is what we observe
and what more noble aspiration is there
than to observe
and by observing
to be a friend
to our fellow humans?
_____________
Don't fight straw men. You're better than that.
|
|
|
|
| Re: She Crab by http://mulberryfairy |
11-Oct-04/9:11 AM |
|
A gorgeous moment. The gendering of the crab is intersting. Are you making a personal statement or merely recounting an event?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Pledge by http://mulberryfairy |
23-Aug-07/8:38 PM |
|
"I" absolutely adore this poem!
|
|
|
|
| Re: Passive Birth Control by http://mulberryfairy |
23-Aug-07/8:39 PM |
|
Good to see you writing again :)
|
|
|
|
