Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	21-Sep-06/2:22 PM
"solar flowers threw their manes around/with total disregard"--nice, especially the play on flowers/flares (in my mind anyway!). Didn't have time to do more than skim this (have a kayak race to train for and scant hours of sunlight left) but will def come back to it tomorrow.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	22-Sep-06/1:18 PM
Okay--back again. I do like this one a lot! Your meter works great, and the imagery is strong enough that the meter is almost an afterthought for the reader (which I always think is a sign that a poem is working--the "strings" are invisible and you forget the puppets aren't really people, so to speak. Yeats and Seamus Heaney are great examples of that kind of mastery--I've been so blown away by their language, at times, that only later did I realize that the form is a rhyming sonnet or whatever). I only stumbled a few places reading this: Are climes steep? I'd lose the parens here: "(and sloping glades of grain)" Maybe recast it so your sloping glades are steep or something. "which turned from diamanté lens to drear in clicking like an oaken farmhouse door." [not sure I get this--what turned? and what's "clicking" modifying?] "-It was no stream of sun – but skewing cloud" [replace weak phrases like "it was" with stronger constructs like "we lost the stream of sun, found skewing [?] cloud]--my replacement word choices are just illustrative; I'm not crazy about them either, but the point is that if you take passive, flaccid phrases like "it was" and make them more active and dynamic, it usually adds to the strength & vibrancy of the poem overall. And no-one seemed to know quite how it came to be so dark, or why it stayed so long [again, two "its" seems a lot and it's such an imprecise, nonreflective word here--I'd either recast this somehow or shorten the line and not worry too much about the syllable count] "The landscape threatened violence that day- as solar flowers threw their manes around [stronger, more threatening word than "threw" maybe? or maybe it's "flowers" that, er, throws me--I think the threat needs to be more implicitly reflected in this line; flowers just aren't threatening (unless they're creepy plant-things like bladderwort or Venus Flytrap.) ] with total disregard; the screaming slaves [what are these? workers?] in chain-gang rows. I told you it had left a ribbon track- [nice--sort of made me think of cut to ribbons, because of the earlier mention of glass in heaps] the scent of water in an earthen pitch, and lizards leaping like a joyful king. [I like the lizard/king analogy (and, no, nothing to do with Mr. Morrison)--I've had the Roethke poem, To a Young Wife, in which he begins "My lizard, my lively writher" in my head for days, so I loved that you had a lizard here. I think "leaping" might be something else though--it's too remniscent of "leapin' lizards!" (maybe that's an American expression) But still you watched the crackling, heavy orb, like insects passed too soon for storm or grace [what's like insects?] an eye cast downwards – fractured morning ice of hurricane and tempest’s broken tide. Very cool. So many good lines and strong images in this! Good poem.
Re: Fun At The Gynaecologists by Edna Sweetlove	25-Sep-06/9:27 AM
I see the torch has been passed . . . well, it is in the 'ranker tradition, but you'll have to work at it a bit, sweet Edna, before you'll get the accolades due a Stephen Robins, let alone a -=DA=-P.I. Still, I appreciate the effort! You left out the part about the speculum (what I like to affectionately call "The Crank") stored in ice water and the lovely queef (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginal_flatulence) that often occurs at the end of the procedure. I'd have to take off major points for those omissions, if I were to vote, Edna.
Re: The Mikado's Poetic List by Engelbert Humpalot	26-Sep-06/7:00 AM
Ha! Wow--it's better than Eric Idle's updated version, even (yeah, I'm a geek and had to see how it compared to the original and otherwise). Love how you kept to the original rhyme scheme in places but utterly subverted this. I have to say--yes, I have to say it--"what a real great write." ;) Very fun. Well done.
Re: almost 12.30 by Dental Panic	17-Jan-07/12:26 PM
Hi DP. This is like an amuse bouche--tasty but leaves one wanting more. Full of suggestive (in a nonprurient sense) little oddities that seem to imply more, more--the last line lost me though. And I'm not sure what the tie-in with Genesis is (assuming that's why you referenced it in your amusing exchange with our resident longbeard/provocateur)--but I can be dense about such things.
Re: I heart you by thetrev	17-Jan-07/12:32 PM
Pretty good, original. I like your nouns acting as verbs--they work in a weird and very cool way; it's what gives this a unique twist I think. Overall, focused, sharp, though the parenthetical bits distract, detract from the whole, I think.
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Jan-07/9:54 AM
Very circular--just spins in place; doesn't go anywhere. Ever try a sestina? Same type of wordplay, but much more interesting results (usually).
Re: Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina	18-Jan-07/10:07 AM
I've read this a few times. I like the story telling aspect of it, but at points it gets wordy and the story itself is a little thin as told. In order for a straight narrative poem to work, I think the story needs to be stronger--a ballad form would suit this (okay, maybe it just made me think of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfood, for obvious reasons, but I think that's a good illustration of why that song/story works--the ballad form, the interesting language, the ship's backstory, etc.). I think part of the problem may be that there's no one to connect with--if you read, for example, Zodiac's poem about Cook dying, it's the people in the poem that really make it work; we identify with the dying Captain, the native girl. This lacks any such personalization/identification. Even something like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" connects us with the ship by making it something living--maybe it's the focus on the rats that doesn't work for me here. The prologue seems unnecessary, tacked on; doesn't advance anything, IMO, and isn't really ever followed up in any way. In general, too, this gets a little too anthropormorphic for me (the glad rats, the amiably sailing ship). I think the story telling is pretty good, though could use some paring. And I like the last line--the "fatted rats" suggesting, intentionally or not, fatted calves (a sacrifice) and "gasping in the open sea" is a good line and image.
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Jan-07/10:15 AM
I like the rewrite better than the original. The brevity suits the narrow, sharp focus--hands show as much as faces, don't they? Sometimes more, like occupations, interests--calluses on fingertips (guitarists); red pen stains(editors), nicks and cuts (craftspeople, tool workers). I think this is a little overwrought, honestly--you know better than most what it live by one's (literal) handiwork, so I think if you simplified this and made it personal, connected it to what your hands do (which is what I think you were going for with words like "pearly" and "facets", it would come across more honestly, emotively. I think the last line is really good, very apt with regard to both memory and the act of creation.
Re: If she thinks if she believes by Prince of Void	18-Jan-07/10:20 AM
I think you're too focused on Writing a Poeme instead of just honestly and simply writing. That's how pimple poems erupt. Cut it down. Give details. Name names. Point fingers--artfully. Even just simplifying this would give it more impact: If she thinks My love is based on lies She'll leave. My dreams will melt away. Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-07/2:27 PM
Ah, done and done, and well done, I'm afraid: The Rolling Stones DEAD FLOWERS "Well, when you're sitting there In your silk upholstered chair Talking to some rich folks that you know Well I hope you won't see me In my ragged company You know I could never be alone Take me down little Susie, take me down I know you think you're the Queen of the Underground And you can send me dead flowers every morning Send me dead flower by the mail Send me dead flowers to my wedding And I won't forget to put roses on your grave Well, you're sitting back In your pink Cadillac Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day I'll be in my basement room With a needle and a spoon And another girl can take my pain away Take me down little Susie, take me down I know you think you're the Queen of the Underground And you can send me dead flowers every morning Send me dead flower by the mail Send me dead flowers to my wedding And I won't forget to put roses on your grave Take me down little Susie, take me down I know you think you're the Queen of the Underground And you can send me dead flowers every morning Send me dead flower by the US mail Say it with dead flowers at my wedding And I won't forget to put roses on your grave No I won't forget to put roses on your grave" * * * then there's STP's not-quite-as-fine take on it: I got you But its the craving for the good life That sees me through troubled times When the mind begins to wander to the spoon And I got you Because your there to bend and nurture me through these Troubled times cause the fix begins to twist my troubled mind And I got you to paint the sorrow on my day And I got you to paint the roses on my grave And I got you I got you But its the feeling that I get when your away Twist my mind cause Im all alone and cold, gone I feel like dyin And I got you to fill the craving that I get inside my mind When youre there to fill the space I have inside, I feel like crying And I got you to paint the sorrow on my day And I got you to paint the roses on my grave And I got you All the slippin that I slap me I got you, I got you All the slippin that I slap me
Re: Body Worlds by Dental Panic	22-Jan-07/2:31 PM
Love it. Great easy, loping rhymes throughout. Creepy as hell, unusual, intriguing, topical, personal. Really great. I saw the Bodies exhibit in New York, and THAT creeped me out. This outcreeps that, even.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Jan-07/7:19 AM
It's a bit melodramatic (lurid, to use your word). You've got a nice sense of language and rhythm, but it has a very old-fashioned feel to it. Think about what you're trying to say and then play with how to say it--this doesn't really, in the end, say much ("Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart").
Re: The Passing by Stephen Robins	25-Jan-07/7:24 AM
Ace. "Ethnic splatter" . . . just ace.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-07/7:30 AM
At the risk of reviving the tired "well, what IS poetry" debate--this reads like prose. As a first draft, it has some promise, but I'd definitely cut lots of words, make it less "sentence-y." Also, try rearranging passages/events--your last stanza might make a good starting point ("My journey if full of ice and discarded cars . . ."). It doesn't have to unfold in quite such a rigidly linear form. Welcome to the 'ranker. ;)
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-07/7:33 AM
Not bad, Mr. Mage. Poetry as masturbation. ;)
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-07/7:38 AM
I think the idea is a good one for a poem (end of innocence and all that), but you approach it too directly, I think, and the last line is too precious. Actually, rockmage's comment would make a decent poem on this subject with some editing: The chicken head at the bloody stump, a hatchet still in my hand. I was three. My first kill. It squawked [note: it couldn't squawk headless]pumping blood and ran after me until the blood ran out. The adults rolled about, laughing, more at my tears than the scene. It was my pet and my lesson on the difference between beasts and men.
Re: Menopause by Stephen Robins	30-Jan-07/7:41 AM
Pleas. ap[p]les, alps flop, slap. eap.
Re: Captured by Dovina	12-Feb-07/12:10 PM
Good lord, step away from your gramma's soft core porn. " . . . held huskily in fluted flesh . . ." LOL! How does one hold something "huskily"? (Being a "weaker vessel," I guess mah sens-a-bilities are jes' a little tendah.) I feel a little dirty, as if I should have changed my pantaloons after watchin' the big, strong stableboy shovel out the stall ('cause surely some shit was being slung). The focus on the hand is pretty good, but the rest borders on pre-sexual-emancipation bad-romance-novel cliche.
Re: The Ballad of Andy Thomas (A True Story) by Rakesh Rajani	12-Feb-07/12:14 PM
ace rhyming of pitch and six.