on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 6:26 AM
two buts-disrupt the flow. I hate this because I'm a bit of a traditionalist,yet it works. Hmmm.
on O Endless Angst, Thou Stingeth Me by Goad
15 Jan 2004, 6:32 AM
Your cloaking device is failing.
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
15 Jan 2004, 6:37 AM
Not quite. intermix the theory with the cooking. Make it SLOPPY! It's too neat. We can see what's in the soup. Make us taste it. I know. It's painful to break it up and start over sort of. I can show you one of mine where My metaphor was so good I had to extend it and the poem morphed into something better. if you want.
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
15 Jan 2004, 6:39 AM
Skull soup is fine title-wise.
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
15 Jan 2004, 9:46 AM
Definitely better. I'd still mix it a bit more. Compare: Middleman to Lunge-fish.
Middleman was first.
Sorry to leave you hangin'. I'm trying a financial hail-mary move right now. It's fly or die time.
Middleman was first.
Sorry to leave you hangin'. I'm trying a financial hail-mary move right now. It's fly or die time.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 9:57 AM
"of those gone before" I don't think you need that.
(cause)moose horns to blow. drop the cause.
lay claim to (me) why just encompass one part of yourself?
These are my suggestions. Do as you will
(cause)moose horns to blow. drop the cause.
lay claim to (me) why just encompass one part of yourself?
These are my suggestions. Do as you will
on Cross Pollination by Jeremi B. Handrinos
15 Jan 2004, 12:40 PM
And WHOOOMP!!!! There it is. the baby, off course.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 12:43 PM
Kale? Parsley? Lemon peel? What is a proper garnish for such an event? Prawn skin?
on Gone Away by ez2replace
15 Jan 2004, 12:47 PM
Life can only get better in the future, but lives in misery. Hmmm. I'll get back to you.
on Chodeling on my knees by Shardik
15 Jan 2004, 1:15 PM
You're the only one I can tolerate this kind of stuff from. Poetry, that is. Is it? bivalve and arthroscopic made me peanut butter and jelly my keyboard.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 2:22 PM
Other than the bumps, I loooove eeeeet!
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
16 Jan 2004, 6:17 AM
Whatever you do, don't throw it out. There is a poem in there. put it on the "back burner" for a while.
on A friendly conversation with a Native American by somemorepoetry
16 Jan 2004, 6:35 AM
Somehow I see the need for the length, yet feel it could lose alittle weight. I'm just not sure where.
You could Haiku the closer and eliminate the rest, saying the same thing. I do like it as is though.
You could Haiku the closer and eliminate the rest, saying the same thing. I do like it as is though.
on HALF by imperfect_creation
16 Jan 2004, 6:37 AM
the backwards letters are pointless. fix the spelling.
on EXIT (this way) by imperfect_creation
16 Jan 2004, 6:50 AM
You're finding your ears. Repeating the sounds of vowels is called assonance. Repeating the sounds of consonants is called alliteration. There's no problem with taking a rap-style approach to poetry, I would still recommend studying (proper) poetry. It will help you say what you are intending to. Like I recommend to many others, get a copy of: Poetry for dummies. I have one. It's easy to understand and a great basic tool.
on Sci-fi ode to poemranker nicknames by zodiac
23 Jan 2004, 1:21 PM
the harem smell of disinterest- perfect! Full load!
on His Master's Jodhpurs by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
23 Jan 2004, 1:36 PM
of course.
on some deleted poem
23 Jan 2004, 1:38 PM
less telling -more showing!!!!
on At The Station by Christof
23 Jan 2004, 1:41 PM
Nice to see a fresh post from you!!!!!
on The Ultimate Survivor by Joe-joe
4 Mar 2004, 7:18 AM
You chose eddie for a subconcious reason. I saw a baby in the womb when I read this. (An) eddie being a swirling pool of water makes for an ideal name in this piece. Very good.