replying on YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe
6 Dec 2005, 5:50 AM
Well I thought that it suited this poem as I was writing in a sequence of poems based on tarot symbols and the first one was The Fool. Also the poem is about a foolish person who invests all their happiness in another person and so is disappointed.
on ... in the Rain by Numen
6 Dec 2005, 5:46 AM
There's a great deal that I like about this poem. The form is interesting and I like how it looks on the page. Sometimes the language could work harder - e.g.hiding tears in the rain is a cliche.
on Charm by OneFingerAnswer
6 Dec 2005, 5:43 AM
I must say that I like this: teh build up of character. Perhaps some words and phrases are not working hard enough, like 'carrying himslef as if on a breeze'. You could be more specific here maybe'. I would also like to have more concrete happenings described.
replying on YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe
6 Dec 2005, 5:37 AM
Sorry I never know whether to capitalize or not but if there's a thing about it rould here I won't. I guess I use them because I often use epigraphs and funny little bits of info at teh beginning of poems so I use caps to make it look less messy.
replying on YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe
6 Dec 2005, 5:33 AM
Yes that's right. I came across the paradelle recently. I really like the repetition and how something comes to new meaning by being repeated. Maybe it is a bit long, but what should I cut?
on saving myself for marriage by Venus
5 Dec 2005, 8:12 AM
A haiku is supposed to have three things:
1. A clear image
2. A clear emotion
3. A clear philosophical message
The image is not so clear to me as it seems to be two images - maybe you need to stick with the cherry image. The emotion seems to be hiding sadness with pride. But what is the philosophical message?
1. A clear image
2. A clear emotion
3. A clear philosophical message
The image is not so clear to me as it seems to be two images - maybe you need to stick with the cherry image. The emotion seems to be hiding sadness with pride. But what is the philosophical message?
on The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted by OneFingerAnswer
5 Dec 2005, 8:08 AM
This is interesting. It reminds me of Oriental poetry - Li Po etc. I like it, but maybe it is a little sentimental at the end - Oriental poetry is often about repressed emotions and this makes it moving. Perhaps a pinch of that may help here.
on The Search by OneFingerAnswer
5 Dec 2005, 8:06 AM
I like the repetition here, but perhaps you need to break the form - maybe write it in blank verse instead to keep a restraint as the rhymes sound a bit ding-dong if you know what I mean?
replying on The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe
5 Dec 2005, 8:03 AM
This is interesting. I guess I hadn't thought about making the senetences sound old in this way. I'll have a think.
replying on The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe
5 Dec 2005, 8:02 AM
Thnaks for this. It's very useful. I tend to assume that people are going to follow along with me and forget about explanantions, but I think that you may be right. Thanks again! I'll think about what you said.