Re: a comment on Twilight on the Roadside by ALChemy	24-Jul-05/10:59 AM
Thanks. I couldn't get to fancy with the poetry for fear of overshadowing the story's validity. Which by the way it is all true. "Desaturated" was used in the sense of color desturation. Less vivid like diluted paint. Just trust me desaturated works. You're probably right about "I was" in verse 3. I don't really think "(That image burned into my heart)" tells you how I feel so much as tells you that I can't forget it. That image could be in my heart because I felt sad or horrified or confused or all the above. You touched on a lot of issues I had myself about this poem. Mainly I wanted to just get the story and the message out there and this was what I came up with. Once again thank you Dovina. You made some excellent points.
Re: Decoys and Disguises behind large-areas of smoke screens by Beyond_Dreams	24-Jul-05/8:46 AM
"Sucky,sucky. Five dolla. Me so horny. Me love you long time." You gotta love Kubrick.
Re: a comment on Noble oboe now sings every next saturday evening by ALChemy	24-Jul-05/8:34 AM
I'm pleased with your response. What is a Denken Weizen anyway?
Re: A Good Man Ruined by Dovina	21-Jul-05/5:22 PM
Maybe change engineer to architech. Also you say he works alone and he runs a team. You might want to say "then promoted and monied he runs a team" or maybe change the first line to something like "Alone at the top". Change "damn" in the last line and the Jimmy Buffet fans will leave you alone. Fix this poem but don't ever throw it out because if one imagines the "ace egineer" as possibly being god or the bible or even Adam then the poem takes on a whole new profound meaning.
Re: on passing through some small town by Dental Panic	21-Jul-05/7:22 AM
Much better.
Re: Almost Persuaded by Dovina	9-Jul-05/9:11 AM
If you make a vague poem people will get different meanings from it. I like that I can give this my own meaning. I like the switch from possitivity to negetivity at the end. But "ambling"? Although with alot of thought I see how you might be going for the Gen. Patton type image calmly surveying the battlefield. I think it just tends to come across as a fancy word for walking for most. Try some other words. The second verse just needs a little tweeking. It's pretty good Though.
Re: JUST A FEW by rbooey	9-Jul-05/8:27 AM
I could give my opinion but the only opinion that matters about this poem is your MUM's. And if somewhere out there she say's it's GREAT then who the hell am I to argue.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	9-Jul-05/8:11 AM
I see now. Good point. Thanks D.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	9-Jul-05/8:03 AM
I did not call that person a sadistic fuck. I only said if you weren't affected somehow emotionally by what happen in Rwanda then you are probably a sadistic fuck. In reply to this comment. "And if it did not affect you, eleven years ago, this poem certainly will not change that." I'm sure DP wasn't implying that Rwanda didn't effect him/her but the comment just plain sounded ridiculous. I'm not pissed about anything. Some liked it some didn't. So what. I was only explaining to you the reasons I wrote this poem the way that I did. If I posted the the suggestion mentioned "Rwanda" It would be a perfect poem for you because every thought that followed it would be yours. But I didn't write it for you so it consists of more words. Most of which you apparently don't appreciate. And that's OK with me. Resentment was the fuel behind this poem not sadness. The point of all poetry or in that case all art forms is to make an unforgetable impression on people. Few succeed in doing this but it is still the goal. This poem certainly has flaws. It's rythm overpowers the words in some places for instance. It was meant to be a little like a stumbling march and I can see how that can make it sound less emotional. I'm sure you write both good and bad poems for yourself. Do you strive to write the bad ones? Then why imply that I do. You think the poem's bad. I think it has some merit. I concede it has it's flaws. Niether one of us is right. We only have opinions. Others have and will read the poem and think it's great. Let's not assume that they are either morons or geniuses but that they too have a valid opinion. If this poem is so bland and meaningless to you then for god sakes man let it go. Forget about it. Walk away. I sincerely appologize for wasting any of your time and I pray that any more of my posts don't cause you anymore unneeded suffering. I think your a good poet and very insightful but sometimes people just disagree.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	28-Jun-05/3:55 PM
Good points. In this case desecration means "To violate the sacredness of". Did you mean "decimation"? Basically I'm saying sacrilege everywhere. But I see what you were thinking. "More bodies" is a good poetic idea but this poem kind of has a loose rhyme and shortening the line makes it harder to make the "shells" "kill" connection. I considered that one a lot though. Yeah I know "THIER". It's a bad dyslexic habit I have yet to overcome.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	28-Jun-05/3:34 PM
Aren't you the hero. Sticking up for others. What Dental Panic said and what was implied were two different things. I just pointed it out. My point is that an event this tragic is impossible to capture on print. So at best a poem can only be a reminder of those events. Considering your responses. This poem for good or bad reasons has at least got you thinking about Rwanda again. That was my goal. It's good to know your feelings about the subject are stronger than this poem or any poem. I write poetry for myself. Then if I get curious I post it. They are two sepperate acts. There is plenty of stuff I won't post for the reason that I only want it for myself but all my poems are originally written for me. To some of you this poem is as annoying as a Mentos commercial but you still remember the product don't you? This poem is cold and heartless in ways and I believe that it has to be.
Re: on passing through some small town by Dental Panic	12-Jun-05/7:06 PM
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
Re: on passing through some small town by Dental Panic	12-Jun-05/7:00 PM
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	12-Jun-05/6:50 PM
If it did not effect you eleven years ago you're probably a sadistic fuck who tortures little animals for pleasure. No poem could possibly capture the true horror and sadness of what happened there. This poem is just an echo to remind you that such terrible things did take place. It doesn't hit YOU hard. Try not to be so arrogant as to speak for everyone. It's just your opinion. It's vagueness allows you to incorperate your own experiences instead of insisting you feel sorry for one family. It asks you to put yourself in this place and see it how you may. Of course it's moralistic would you prefer I take the side of the Hutu or the many governments that insisted it wasn't happening. Or just pretend I'm not pissed at both. In the end this poem is written by me for me as all poems are. If you can't see it, hear it and feel it the way I do that only means that your not like me. Those places you listed at the bottom can all be pasted over the name Tutsi in the poem if you want to see that it's all part of a much bigger picture.
Re: Acrylic French Nails by Dovina	12-Jun-05/7:30 AM
I stumbled over the last three lines a little in verse 1 on my first reading. Maybe "It would be trimmed in" would be easier but it won't kill me if you keep it the way it is. Try omitting the word style in verse 1 and see if it gives it a better flow. I really like the original idea of using the woman's nails to symbolize a unique lifestyle even if I was kinda hoping for a catfight at the end.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	11-Jun-05/6:15 AM
Heaps does mean both and is meant to mean both. They were both in piles and scattered around and they were just left there were ever they may have died. most of the heaps were in buildings were they scrambled for safety while being shot. Although they may have been put into piles much later. This poem is transporting you back in time closer to the actual event. not talking in hindsight. I will repeat DURING the killings the people reporting the death toll couldn't keep up. The title reads like a headline to help put you closer to the moment. It's as if you were taking a tour of Rwanda just days after. I did if you remember concede to the "fire brigade" line and even plan on changing it although I don't know if it's entirely untrue. It was something I forgot to change earlier on and I am humbled and embarrassed by it. Thanks for bringing it up again. And as far as Literal Truth. Aside from maybe the "Fire Brigade" everything else is true if it's interpreted correctly but I understand that not everybody reads the same poem the same way. That's just a risk I choose to take. I hope your not reading this the wrong way because your input has helped me tremendously with this poem and I hope that help extends to further postings that I may put up. Thank you my fellow American.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	10-Jun-05/5:33 AM
First off. "Sleep" is used to evoke a peaceful innocent image to contrast with the following lines. Secondly. "Heaps" can also mean a great amount and true some were piled into heaps also. The word dead is in front of heaps which in english usually means they're dead first. "Sleep" once agian is just meant figuratively. The bodies were left to rot. That is why line 3 and 4 are there. Thirdly. I did mean just the Tutsi. Genocide is specified. It's no less unfair than talking about the Jews killed in the Holocaust without mentioning the Russian soldiers. Which is done all the time. Shame on you Spielberg. A third of the way into the killing no one could keep track of how many were dead. They couldn't keep up with the death toll. Hense the last lines of verse 1. Finally. I did mean fire brigade but I do see now how the following lines may have confused you. Originally long ago I wrote "Hear the sirens" but I wanted to point out our (USA) ignorance of what was happening at the time so I changed it to "the silence" then to "our silence". Right now I'm considering changing it to "Hear our silence serenade the deadly raid" I appreciate that point that you made and I apologise for the mispeling.
Re: Racism by Dovina	8-Jun-05/2:39 PM
-or are we all tigers who dreamt we were people?
Re: Wanted by Dovina	8-Jun-05/2:25 PM
Very striking. The last line of verse 2 bugs me though. Maybe try something like 1880’s migrant lineage. Also what city is this city hall in. Still I like the moment that's captured.
Re: Smoky Mountain High by Dovina	8-Jun-05/1:55 PM
I'm not sure "likely" in verse 2 is necessary. I like the change in tone in the last verse.