Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	1-May-06/2:38 PM
I enjoyed this as it was a very pleasant, innocent, and naturally rhymed piece. I think your boy would love you reading this to him! I know I would. Suggestions: 'your virtue i pray is never harmed.' - the meter is slightly off. Try something like 'I pray that you be never harmed', or another idea, 'Let silence softly wrap you warm'. it ain't perfect, but play with it :-)
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	1-May-06/2:48 PM
How lovely! And how hard it must have been to write. This is the first paradelle I've read. I'm glad it was a good one. I agree about the 3rd line from the end, though. 'light what grows' is awkward, so I made a valiant effort to find an alternative. It was a bitch. I came up with, 'Of each dueling spark in light, I make hearts ‘round bleeding paint, Deliver what the angst hath built.' It might fit, because in the original, the light grows. Here, it sparks into light. However, this is purely your decision. Have I said what a terrific piece this is already?
regarding some deleted poem...	1-May-06/2:56 PM
'My daily bread and wine' seems to hold religious connotations. clarification, perhaps? First stanza is my fave :-)
Re: Invasion by Roisin	1-May-06/3:04 PM
On the contrary, I thought 'push you away for not sitting close' was extremely clear. He's speaking in contradictions. It don't get much more contradictory than that. I didn't care for 'an enemy has permeated my mind', since in this line you're stating specifically what you succeeded in hinting at - quite well, in my opinion - throughout the entire poem. That aside, I thought it was a well-built and powerful poem; and I understood and identified with it, which is one of the trademarks of a good piece of work.
Re: Remnants of a Lost Friday by italenrico	1-May-06/3:09 PM
This is really good, especially in that it makes its point without surrendering to cliches and tear-jerking euphemisms of suffering.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-May-06/3:24 PM
Mu-ha-ha! Ace last stanza. I couldn't help remembering the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich, auctioned on eBay. For those who don't remember: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4034787.stm
regarding some deleted poem...	1-May-06/3:32 PM
How melancholy and beautiful. It's really good; what I would change to make it excellent are the three uses of the word 'like'. I would try and rephrase the last three comparisons - which are very apt and poignant, by the way! - in a less "this is like that" way. Or at least, use different comparisons like "reminiscent of" or "evoking", for instance. I believe this would be a definite improvement. 8 for now because of critique...
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	7-May-06/1:49 PM
I've got to admit that I figured out the concept of the poem by myself. Yay me! I did, however, had the unfair advantage of knowing what the theme was in advance :-) so I guess it doesn't count after all.. Now, the commentary: The entire poem seems to me to portray Judas favorably on all fronts. It's not Jesus who describes Judas as a caterpillar - soon to blossom into a butterfly - it's the narrator. He's referred to as 'Glorious' in the title. He'll be 'adored'. There isn't a single thing to indicate criticism, so that would be my bet. However, two disturbing references: You've got to admit that "undead tree" is creepy if you're relating to Jesus. I mean, okay, he's not dead, but why 'undead'? Bring on the zombie associations... ;-) Another thing that jarred on me is the reference to Zeus. Last time I checked, he was an extremely pagan god. I've got to wonder, why are you bringing him up at all in this religiously-themed piece? I can't imagine it was by accident... you put too much attention into underlying meaning and detail. Nitpick: It ain't a fictional dialogue between Jesus and Judas, as you said. If anything, it's a monologue in which Jesus tries to convince the silent Judas into betraying him. If Judas actually says anything, I can't see it. You get an 8 on this one for beautiful language, as ever. Didn't really identify deeply with the theme, though, as might have been expected :-)
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	7-May-06/2:17 PM
All the spelling is excellent. You'd pass a spelling checker. You should, however, fix your grammar and use of words. I'm assuming that you're not a native English speaker and therefore will point out the main lines that should be fixed: Line 1: Nature's lap - not 'the nature'. Line 4: "The nature did plight" - meaningless. Line 7: Solitaire is a card game. You mean solitary. Line 8: "Nightingale's" Line 17: "grief", not "grieve". Most of your lines are written Yoda-style, for instance: "the feeling of joy I wondered how could nature in me create." "all my tensions in got soaked" and others. I understand that you were trying to rhyme, but rhyming should never come at the expense of clarity and correctness. Edit and post again, if you want comments.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	7-May-06/2:20 PM
Very nice, tres kinky :-) Although on the first read, I felt that 'bone' and 'fingers' were reminiscent of a skeleton. Not sexy! BTW, "mortar", not "morter".
regarding some deleted poem...	9-May-06/12:47 PM
Straight off, and before I say anything else, I'll give you the impression I had from your poem. I had the feeling that there was *some* idea there - but it was too choked and muffled with words to stand alone. Don't get me wrong. I love a good vocabulary. But I can't seem to penetrate through the mass of words to see a clear meaning in your poem. Selections like : "attempts invertebrate like dark caricatures to render voiceless (burgeoning bathos)" leave me with no real feeling one way or the other about what you've written. As if you were writing sentences you thought sounded good, while not according enough attention to the meaning they convey. The good part is that this poem really does have some lovely phrases; and by the way, I thought the title was excellent! Very original and eye-catching. I feel that if you were to clarify the message of your poem, your poem could provide the reader with that moment of *stop - and think* every really good poem does.
Re: For Thou by MacFrantic	9-May-06/1:19 PM
Unless I'm mistaken, the title whould rightly be "For Thee". And why the archaic title, but the usage of mundane 'ýou' in the body of the poem? How anachronistic ;-)
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	9-May-06/2:24 PM
Oh, nice :-) Must have been the geometry that makes your poem so alluring at this hour. Don't you think it might make the ending more poignant if you were to change the negative last line to a positive one - something like "whether or not you could go any further"? The comparison would strengthen the message.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-May-06/8:40 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but do I sense a subtle whiff of political commentary in your poem? Joking aside, I feel that the political hyperbole you present in the last three lines is so exaggerated as to be almost laughable. I suppose you would want your poem to be taken seriously; but it's hard, given such an statement as "Bush is evil. He's got a black, black, heart". You can say that he's mistaken, he's ignorant, he's ridiculous or even means ill; but to claim that his heart is as black as the spouting oil fields of Iraq (because that was what you implied, I believe) is not conducive to receiving the type of respect for your poetry that you would expect. What to do, then? The three final comparisons to 'black' that you used in the second stanza are good, I feel. In themselves, they make the point that your final lines could not. The three first are not. Black as a raven's wing, coal, whatever is hackneyed - even if that was your intention (in order to contrast then with your three final similes), they create a redundancy and stagnation which contributes nothing to the poem. I also thought that the entire first stanza rhapsodizing about nothing but the night is too long and pointless. You get two disconnected stanzas - one about the night, and one about the horned owl, the war in Iraq and President Bush. I don't even think there are horned owls in Iraq. Get my point? It's disconnected. If it was me, I would build my poem around those last three 'black' similes, cut down the 'night' descriptions most significantly, and lose the last Bush line, it's laughable. Unless you meant it as a joke, in which case it was funny :-) I made an effort to give detailed criticism of this poem because I think your stuff is worth criticising; not in order to flame your work. From what I've read, you come up with some beautiful ideas, and it would be a shame if you were to fall below your own standards. Keep writing! I really enjoy it. No vote this time, though.
Re: A Sexy Crucifixion Poem by Edna Sweetlove	14-May-06/11:33 AM
Ew. That aside, I was wondering, does this poem have a point? I mean, are you actually trying to say something meaningful, apart from (the obvious) provocation for provocation's sake?
regarding some deleted poem...	15-May-06/1:37 PM
I find this interesting. You make your point clearly and defend it with pride. Although most people (myself included, wink...) wouldn't entirely agree, it doesn't detract from what you do a good job of proclaiming. It actually reads like a lyric to me in places - must be the good rhythm, another plus! Last two lines of the third stanza a little weak, though. Try to avoid the '...'
regarding some deleted poem...	16-May-06/4:47 AM
I beg your pardon? 'Bright and parfaited"? 'Parfait', last time I checked, was a yummy frozen ice-cream dessert. I can't imagine that's what you wanted to say.
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	16-May-06/4:52 AM
Sorry, personally I didn't care for this. It sounds a tad preachy and not original enough by far. I also found the "maybe-yes, maybe-no" rhyming distracting. Nitpick: Why does her father need to forgive her in the stanza before last? He already did in the second stanza. He even came visiting.
Re: Mannequin by Roisin	16-May-06/4:56 AM
Oh, fun. Me likee. -8- I rather enjoy the spacing, even though I don't get what it's supposed to mean... it seems rigid; I connected it to squeezing indviduals into a predetermined mold, and so it felt appropriate.
Re: Supposition Now by MacFrantic	16-May-06/4:57 AM
I don't get it. Written beautifully and all, but... what? Clarification would be welcome.