Re: Dancing on Glass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	27-Feb-05/1:19 AM
your imagery is pretty but vague and empty. specify. excise the banal phraseology: "connect the dots," "secrets... hidden in plain view." overall, though, with potential.
Re: Oh holy shit by Lucifer	27-Feb-05/1:49 AM
A superb commentary on the mindset of today's international youth culture. Your vulgarity and absurdly emphasized rhyme scheme are in perfect keeping with their vulgar sexuality and lack of culture. Sublime.
Re: A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	27-Feb-05/3:42 PM
nothing to object to concerning the technique: the words read smoothly, and the dropping flower cleverly solidifies the structure. its excessive sentimentality, however, weakens its potential cuteness and whimsicality. as for reducing the sentimentality, i'd excise the superfluous sunrise and rewrite "Her gift floats through time/ and past memories," as it's currently trite but has considerable poetic potential. still, i'm only dwelling on the poem's few shortcomings. overall, impressive and expressive. well done.
Re: A Time by DevilBuni	3-Mar-05/12:16 AM
A very common sentiment expressed -- very -- tritely. Considering that you're working with a sentiment most have experienced to some degree, your primary concern is not in endowing the reader with an understanding of it, but rather in the poeticizing of it. If you want to continue writing poetry, I suggest you experiment with the potential of poetic language: for instance, as an exercise, you might try writing this poem several different ways, each time using different imagery and metaphors. At the same time, however, retain the clearness of expression that you already seem to possess; as it stands, your poetry is more like banal prose. Avoid trite phraseology or word choices like: "once there was a time", "happy", "smile", "cry more than smile", "sorrow I feel is strong", "stranger", "nowhere to belong", "I wish", "sang me that song", "I'm empty", etc. Let your language off its leash! The opposite of banality is novelty, so seek to be novel -- but be sure to still communicate clearly. Then you will make progress.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Mar-05/11:13 PM
very good: clearly communicated sentiments, clever language, strong structure. repeating "the" at the end of l10 and the start of l11 is particularly felicitous. i have several questions, however. first, i assumed the passenger was a child (i.e. describing buildings as blocks, noting the children at play, wishing to engage in tactile experiences common to children, "begging" the driver.) but on the other hand, you say the speaker wishes to "find a poem today," which is a more mature sentiment that's incongruous with the previous descriptions. this might be a question of narrative voices (i.e. you are interpreting or clarifying the passenger's immature thoughts.) but the following philosophical reflection on circular thought seems even more incongruous and cannot be easily explained away by narrative voices, so the poem comes off as bipolar: at once the voice of a child and a philosophical poet. last, i find difficulty with the poem's name: the wren's circling doesn't seem apt for describing the passenger's mode of thinking: "I want to lag behind the others." although i understand you might say that the passenger’s thoughts keep circling back to objects outside the car, i think the link to actually circling an idea or desire, approaching it from different angles, and eventually coming or failing to come to some conclusion is weak. rather, i think it seems more like a discursive thought process reflecting on lagging behind to experience nature, the fence, etc. overall, though, the poem is well done.
Re: Fastso by Dovina	7-Mar-05/11:33 PM
clear and clever imagery. the last two stanzas, however, are tritely phrased in comparison with the rest. also, since we don't know anything about the speaker, that she sympathizes with our corpulent friend has no effect on the reader beyond allowing him or her to make an inference about the speaker's character. otherwise, an enjoyable poem.
Re: Ode by James Rykelangeli	8-Mar-05/1:14 AM
Well done, old chap! 10.
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	18-Mar-05/5:51 PM
A clearly-written, well-structured, and emotive poem. Very well done! You are quite justified in posting it as one poem: it is, after all, an integrated whole. The reverse chronology also adds psychological and emotional tension. Still, the poem has difficulties. When the waitress and the owner are interacting, the waitress's presence seems unnecessary, for it's the owner who fetches the zinfandel: "Our friend disappeared into the darkness, rummaging..." Is the owner testing her knowledge of what he likes to drink?
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	18-Mar-05/6:16 PM
On second thought, keep "items." Its impersonality is appropriate for the following line.
Re: Pacifics by zodiac	19-Mar-05/12:56 AM
psychologically very bland: we can discern nothing because we know nothing about the speaker's relation to the admired. as it is, the poem comes across as a melodrama: speaker in a tepid relationship, has newfound passion finds hard to express, takes lover to beach to soften up him or her, ocean symbolizes something like the freedom of expression the speaker desires, and this freedom entails a degree of amnesia to forget any troubles from the relationship's past that might hinder the present communication of passion. i realize this is a gross deconstruction of sentiments that are often very tender and profound, but the blandness of your poem warrants such a criticism. consider rewriting the following trite imagery: "the waves come in across the bay and break, and break, and break." "sun baking" "waves breaking" "Now it's all I have left to give" "we'll make it here when we get out of here." i found "mizzling rain" awkward. it is, after all, akin to "drizzling rain," when just "drizzle" would suffice. here, however, "mizzle" is too unwieldily to have alone. so, i'd rewrite that as you see fit. the poem does have two instances of superb word choice: "lullabye crush" and "amnesiac sea." new imagery and psychological depth would make this a strong poem.
Re: Deep Thought by Dreammaker1024	2-Apr-05/5:20 PM
You feel "completely and truly" in a place of "false consciousness" and "mental hibernation"... hmm -- you seem unsure of what you're trying to say. But it seems you're talking about daydreaming versus reality, and since you're listening to "a someone's inspiration," we can perhaps surmise that you're talking about idealistic daydreaming elicited by art, conversation, etc., and I suppose your final sentence is about making the world more like the ideals you imagine. Yes, these sentiments are fine, but with poetry, you should often attach them to something concrete or else the whole poem becomes nebulous and difficult to relate to. (While this isn't a law etched in stone, it will be a particularly good exercise for improving the shortcomings demonstrated in this poem.) The concrete situation or object to which you attach your sentiments becomes the medium by which you examine those sentiments. (An example of a hackneyed medium would be a rose to examine love.)
Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222	3-Apr-05/4:42 PM
very strong. cute in its purposeful simplicity. well-structured. you should smooth out: "larger notebook then a smaller notebook/ then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook." Also, "It's safe" seems unnecessary after the very clever "monument to safety" several lines before. you might try switching the order of the surrounding lines to "you know/ There's nothing wrong with that." I think that flows more smoothly. also, poets' disparaging business is rather hackneyed; what if you instead ended with "in the universe/ you know?" I think that would be a very humorous contrast and round off fulfillingly the theme of a simpleton reasoning with weighty matters and ideas.
Re: Listless Nights by blindwriter	3-Apr-05/11:37 PM
your poetic style (I speak after reviewing your other poems as well) is so turbid that it's impossible for the reader to determine what you're trying to say. i attribute your difficulties communicating clearly to your overriding preference for wording (for which you seem to have talent.) but that talent is completely wasted when it's used improperly, as it is here. you must concentrate -- ferociously -- on clarity and structure. as an exercise, write several rudimentary poems disregarding wording altogether and only work on what you're trying to communicate: what scene, what sentiments? in combating a turbid style, avoid grandiose subject matter and generalities. fix your poetry upon something concrete with which you are familiar, and let it be the medium by which you work. after you've written your rudimentary poems, try reintroducing the wording, but never throw in pretty words for their sake alone: each word must be carefully selected in terms of poetic effect and, once again, clarity. then your talent for wording will be tied together with a strong structure. i wish you the best.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Apr-05/11:37 PM
a poem with great potential. but you have a considerable number of problems to work out. here are a few technical points: 1. you cannot describe a liquid as "supple": a liquid cannot be pliant, limber, or compliant literally or figuratively. if supple refers to the ripened hearts, this requires clarification. 2. "bruisey" is not a word, nor does its use confer any advantage over "bruised." rather, it only confuses. 3. i might disagree with using "wide-eyed" for fish as it carries the strong connotation of being in response to surprise, wonder, etc. maybe "fish with wide eyes..." 4. this is perhaps nitpicky, but skin cannot be "slick with heat" -- heat itself is not slick. yes, obviously heated skin is often sweaty, but nonetheless i think the imagery is confusing. you might try "slick and heated" instead, or something along those lines. 5. "boiled cantaloupes": i'm concerned with the veracity of this image. where did you get it? i don't know of any recipes calling for boiled cantaloupes. or if you mean that the sun splits open cantaloupes in extreme heat, i don't believe that's actually the case in nature (nor do I believe there would be a glorious explosion in which seeds arc and sparkle.) rather, cantaloupes rot. 6. what "blurring traces of color" refers to is difficult to determine. i assumed it meant the color of the boats' sails being blurred as they approach the horizon. still, clarification is in order.
Re: Potential by Christof	12-Apr-05/4:50 PM
with polishing, it will be superb. some notes: the wordplay with the two drawns works but seems slightly incongruous with the poem's dreamlike tone b/c it's such an overt rhetorical display. also, "pitch", as in to throw, is incongruous with the arrow metaphor. one does not throw arrows.
Re: Utensils of creation by Damien	12-Apr-05/11:36 PM
lacks any clarity. significant grammar errors. as an exercise, next time write a poem with as much linguistic precision as you can manage. also make sure the architecture and the idea of the poem are clearly envisioned in your mind before you write. (it would therefore behoove you to avoid spontaneous composition at this time and until your technique is better developed.) your current style is terribly muddy and makes communication with the reader impossible. only digress from the above method when you are sure your foundation is sound enough to allow for the exploration of your personal style. good luck.