Re: Paradise by oneglove	3-Aug-06/5:03 PM
I found a glove along the road and wonder if it’s yours. It’s worn and soiled, but soft of leather and pliable when worn. Finding its mate would be like looking into eyes I never expect to meet, and would surely cause my legs to refuse to move. Though I might think, “beauty gazing down from above” I would not say it, for coyness’ sake. Nor would I agree so readily to madly love, when so much time remains to savor it. And I would spell it, “Manhattan.”
Re: When Gravity Unmakes You by Enkidu	3-Aug-06/5:07 PM
The gravity image seems awkward in this setting, since gravity would drop the person rapidly into the fire. And why would the devil object to the "game"? I'm voting 10 only to balance the obnoxious Edna.
Re: Children of Wolves by Caducus	7-Aug-06/11:49 AM
Sylvia Plath, her life after death lived in her two children, her husband hearing the wolves at night – it must have been a baby-step to 'life after death.' You nailed it where she birthed another her. “It,” referring apparently to the baby is common usage, but degrading I think, where “she” would better serve.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Aug-06/8:46 PM
I have never bicycled with an umbrella. Is it anything like hang-gliding? A period after "head" is my assumption in saying that; but if the implied period is after "hour," with a comma after "head," then I am all wet. Punctuation would definitely help. But hang gliding may have taken this mind-wanderer to that good description of the Sahara, notwithstanding "technicolour kaleidoscope," which sounds a bit cliche. I think the multiple negatives, like "nor can't not" only twist it away from readability. Still its a good mind trip.
Re: 1a. Awaken by A db C	13-Aug-06/6:41 AM
I think the material in the paragraphs that follow the poem are more like pooetry. The poem simply tells us what the narrator thinks or feels. The other shows us in images and thereby engenders us to think about our own feelings. Here are some examples, pulled from above: barely visible black dots became patches shots of memory impose melting down like old projector film Pulling out the negatives stained dusty brickwork barbed bead of frost clutching my ticking head
Re: We shall sleep by Caducus	16-Aug-06/3:15 PM
This is fuzzy, but I fail to see, in a real world, how a person can look for and find a dream. Dreams just happen without effort. Okay, you maen it some other way.
Re: To Whemy by dougsoderstrom	16-Aug-06/3:16 PM
Welcome back. I remember the term, whemy. Are you back now to open a discussion about it?
Re: the day the poet is the reason for the poem I by daggatolar	16-Aug-06/3:22 PM
The thesis stated in the first two lines is unsupported by the body of the poem. I suggest you drop the title and the thesis and deal with the history as it stands.
regarding some deleted poem...	16-Aug-06/3:28 PM
Confusing title, unless "she" could also be your watch. The whole thing is bewildering as to where it goes.
Re: Advice by Enkidu	16-Aug-06/3:30 PM
funny
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Aug-06/6:22 PM
I especially like: "where a chorus of empty coathangers dress me in naked truths." But it should be "dresses."
Re: Jeeves Garcia by Crakyamuni	21-Aug-06/6:31 PM
Well, I think you could said it less than half as many words. And to be called a prose poem, it should contain some of the poetic elements, though nobody seems clear on how far this should go. Try rewriting it without the repetition, for starters. Then look for stuff that doesn't really pertain to the story. I think it could become quite good.
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Aug-06/6:37 PM
It sounds like a description of a drug trip. And the "ironies" described as "ludicrous" seem like dreams. So the epiphany at the end is hard to accept.
Re: Quatrain by ALChemy	23-Aug-06/3:15 PM
A novel way of putting forth an old truth. Thought provoking. Try a less bland title, like Beauty’s Kin, Son of Beauty, even the cliché - Beauty and the Beast.
Re: The Christian Soldier by Sing4Jesus!	23-Aug-06/3:18 PM
it sounds so cliche that I wonder if it's satire. Either way, there is too much redundancy. For example,"He jokes around with a delightful sense of humor" simply means "He jokes." Most of the lines are like this.
Re: With Old Light by Ranger	27-Aug-06/12:23 PM
So many images and comparisons, it's mind-numbing. Some of them make sense to me, some are supurb, and some seem parenthetic or vague. I'd prefer more development before moving quickly to another metaphor. Perhaps just one main metaphor per verse, with variations on it.
Re: Words (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	30-Aug-06/8:18 PM
I'm sure it's a tramatic event, but something is lost to me in the poetry. She (I assume she) is in your arms with her wrists cut opened, and she's alive enough to shed tears and talk of angels. Then she dies. And the only concern exoressed in the poem is that no words came to the narrator. It seems that action to stop the bleeding would be a greater concern. So there is something going on that I'm not getting from the poem.
Re: Pane Glass Lake by MacFrantic	30-Aug-06/8:23 PM
No comma after discovered. Comma after fields. Period after lakeside. Temove "so." Replace the colon with a comma. At least it makes more sense to me that way.
Re: Let Me Entertain You by Bethy	30-Aug-06/8:29 PM
I must disagree with Ranger on the last line of verse 1, simply because I was laughing there. Put a space before Hanky. I don't like "dirty ole' girl" - sounds contradictory. "I danced like a pro" sounds conceited, though I know what you mean. Other than that, a fine fling and a fine ending.
Re: Water by Caducus	1-Sep-06/12:06 PM
Verse 2 is great. Verse 1 needs a period after line 3. Verse 3 could lose the quotes around his name, I think. Verse 4 needs the space removed before "s" and a comma after "sick" and a period after line 2 and a period after Line 4. Verse 5 needs an apostrophe in "mothers" and "Grandmothers" and a comma after Line 3 and a period after Line 4.