Dovina
on Haiku String of the Bee by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
7 Jun 2005, 2:31 PM
I think haiku is not the best form for this. And "love for queen" seems unlikely.
I like the mixture of emotions and the overiding passion. The ~ 's in ther first verse are a nice touch. Wish you'd used them in the second.
The widow was a metaphoric personification- demons, goddess, infant ghosts, etc are various dimensions that make up the whole. Or thats how I interpreted and construed the fourth stanza anyway.
"older than her" is good as is...
Savoring this piece was a pleasure Caducus-- fulfilled and blessed in my kinship with its nostalgic melanchony and subtle yearning. A Recherche Ouzo to behold indeed.
Tender, but too close to the way I really think it will be. Give me imagery to cover my sorrow.
Maybe he got a call from God's lawyer
If he had simply admitted to posting a quote he remembers from youth and thought it was his own or some explanation like that, all could be forgiven. But when he deletes the poem, calling it a misunderstanding, I have to wonder if all his poems are copied from somewhere.
I should never have mentioned the typor. The 'j' was what gave the bibletext the flavor of originality.
What misunderstanding?
Due to the huge "discussion" and disagreement about the poem 'Faith', I decide to delete the poem to prevent further misunderstanding.
This is quite good but should be edited a bit.
Stanza 1, line 2:
it's not a pretty word, but I do miss 'that' after 'mask'. Purely for rhythmic means.
Stanza 3. Why the punct in line 1?
lines 4/5:
alive in my dreams where they have
her blue eyes, her lips and God
calls them bastards
(This line-chopping is not really necessary; just to heighten the drama a bit)
that it doesnât melt,
not even in hell
'that it never melts'? The poem reflects that something has been lost forever.
as love lived in me.
When she killed it
I don't quite understand this. The one who died at twenty is the victim, as I see it. But she also kills him, or at least his love for her. And what's with the children? They're not his? They were never realised? I read this from the perspective of a male. So what's with the white dress? He was denied her virginity? Complex, complex... This is really a poem I would like to see clarified.
No, only that more than one ball is inappropriate.
rain's mocking result
Dovina
replying on Applicative-Order Fixed-Point Operator by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
7 Jun 2005, 9:16 AM
Actually, I feel a need to be inferior, not superior as you say. Maybe you know that and figure its how a PSYCH or former slave thinks. My comments are usually attempts at clarification or simplification. I seldom mean them as trumps. Some are admittedly attempts at humor, like the one you are responding to.
I think it's kinda sweet in an innocent way. You could stand to lose the "leave" in line 2 and "I'll want to die" in the last line. Maybe something less cliche and dramatic than 'cry and I'll want to die." But your poem is not a waste of a read.
Dan garcia-Black
replying on Applicative-Order Fixed-Point Operator by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
7 Jun 2005, 8:18 AM
No. D, you are not funny the way DAPI is. He has the ability to joke while being intensely serious. Maybe I just don't get your humor. You seem to need to feel superior or, at least, equal to everyone on poemranker in your comments. Were you once a slave? BTW- I don't mean slave in the sense that you are a woman and, therefore, have been under the thumb of the entire male half of humankind. This site is called Poemranker not Poetranker. Many folks here try to trump each other's comments rather than try to write a better poem. "Good poets can write bad poetry." Personal attacks on this site generally get in the way of helpful criticism of the poems. After all, we're just here to help each other become better poets. Right?
PSYCH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There's not much Bronte feel to be detected here. Then what's the use of mentioning your source of 'inspiration'? Anyway, the first stanza has some style but both >>coz<< and the fading dots spoil whatever gothics there are.
And it's 'grievances'.
zodiac
replying on Applicative-Order Fixed-Point Operator by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
7 Jun 2005, 3:15 AM
Not now that you've asked.