Dovina
replying on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus
10 Jun 2005, 12:25 PM
I don't think either of them is that naive. They might say it, but they don't believe it.
French nail ends is grammically consistant with French nails because both are plural. To say French nails ends is silly.
Also, the French Style refers to nailS, and in the 2nd stanza, last line, you suddenly switch to singular...
"Where were the color ordinary" -- hard to say out loud.
Hey
she still looked 20 to him as she still loks the same to him old because he loves her so much.
Just somehing my pos said about his wife
1. no. there is no way to wonder besides to yourself.. unless you say, "i wondered out loud" or something along those lines.
2. The darkness is just dark and fog. the darker it gets the less of her features are available to my eyes.
thanks for your critique.
First verse is good. But then it gets wordy and convoluted in places. "I watch you and wonder to myself" for example - is there any way to wonder besides to yourself? And what is this "darkness engulfing me"? Still, the poem has potential.
This starts our really good.
I don't know what you mean by the slabs rolling, or why she still looked 20.
Verse 3 is great.
Verse 4 is good. "wood" must refer to her cane.
Verse 5 is a bit strange, and kissing on shadows of the lost - well, I see you relating to the old couple as you imaging aging with your lover, but it could be better said.
some deleted user
replying on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus
10 Jun 2005, 10:28 AM
>>but i agree it sounds a bit gay<<
You need help. From a qualified homophobic psychiatrist.
Jesus on a bluetooth
Return to your homeplanet.
some deleted user
replying on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus
10 Jun 2005, 10:12 AM
>>grammar and me divorced years back<<
Then stop writing and start singing or painting or pantomiming
Fraud? no. I don't believe I took anything from another poem. struggling poet, yes.
Thanks...greatly appreciated:-)!!
GW CHILL.
Okay I changed the first bit - grammar and me divorced years back.
The 'my love' meant my girlfriend but i agree it sounds a bit gay and i bring her in to it later so it's not needed.
It's a draft and raw as the moment as intended. One of those inspired things that hit or miss, this is kind of both but was never meant to be anything to get anal about really.
Thanks for the pointers.
this is art, that is artistic licence...okay I made an arse of it! You happy? What's it like bein' perfect and/or sober!?
I gave you a seven although I think you're a fraud, B_W_C. Mooning over atrocieties like l_e_b's 'Love is the opposite of hate', and then come up yourself with a poem like this one?