Re: a comment on Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/11:06 AM
Not necessarily. If it's done right, it gives the reader all the information they need while at the same time making the reader's imagination work. A poem which gives a definite, strict reading is all very well, but better is the poem which leaves the reader feeling that they created part of the world. Does this count as rambling?
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	richa 81.178.217.160	20-Feb-06/11:04 AM
This doesn't make any sense. :(
Re: a comment on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/11:01 AM
Both. In this one just expand the idea over a few more lines, but you could also rewrite this one with the analogy as the constant theme. You know what's just occurred to me? If you try the latter, use it to attempt a concrete image of a slope. If you're any good at manipulating text (which I'm not, much to my regret), I think it would work well. The phrases, the sentences are nice and short - making it fly by just like a skiier.
Re: a comment on Conflict Resolution by Dovina	richa 81.178.217.160	20-Feb-06/10:59 AM
'For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead").' This is terrible advice. It infers that the less likely the reader is to understand it the more magical the poem becomes.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	drnick 141.218.35.109	20-Feb-06/10:58 AM
Yes, I've read this one before, but was unable to realize what exactly you were talking about. Now that I know, this is quite a beautiful and amazing piece. You've really done a great job describing the passion behind our words, and our struggle for satisfaction. There are so many good lines in this, but I'd like to point out my favorite(as I always do): "I stumble like the pregnant flame". Very good, and sorry for not commenting on more of your works.
Re: a comment on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	drnick 141.218.35.109	20-Feb-06/10:43 AM
How could I do that? Do you mean I should make the entire poem apply to that analogy, or just go into more detail of how we "ski his schemes"?
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Dovina 67.72.98.89	20-Feb-06/8:35 AM
Some good thoughts here, a collection of wannas. But I the ski analogy loses me. Misspelled words, but only in pretend - that line breaks an otherwise good flow.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/8:27 AM
Yes, better. I think I gave this a 7 last time, so now I'll move it up a notch.
Re: a comment on Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Dovina 67.72.98.89	20-Feb-06/8:25 AM
It was good advice. Thanks.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Dovina 67.72.98.89	20-Feb-06/8:23 AM
My intent was to edit this, but I hit Delete by accident, thus losing all of the comments. It's an unpardonable sin, for which I wish there were recompense. Here are the comments, I think: Drnick: This is good, but I think you could have done better. For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead"). The 3rd stanza is awesome, I wouldn't change that at all. The 4th, however, seems as though you rushed through it. The 3rd line in there seems rushed and too vague of an analogy; give us an example of purple night-lights. The 5th line in the 5th stanza should say "bit" not "bite" but I think you could have found a better analogy for that as well. Everything else seems to be in place, you just need to comb out a few of the knots. Ranger: 'She got to be her, and I didn't...' You seem a bit annoyed at the moment! Ecargo: The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.). Thank you all for commenting. These comments were useful.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	drnick 24.176.22.254	20-Feb-06/8:23 AM
Hey, you actually took some of my advice! I am honored, and I really do think this is better than the first version. The second stanza is much better now!
Re: a comment on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/8:21 AM
Any time. I also agree with ecargo - expanding the ski aspect would work well.
Re: a comment on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	20-Feb-06/8:20 AM
Ya, I completely agree...the ideas don't exactly flow together all too well. The only common ground between them seems to be the general idea of the poem. I liked the idea of this one, and I think it has potential, but I also think that it is far from being done. I just wanted to see what everyone else though, perhaps get some ideas on how to improve. Maybe I could use looser rhymes to give myself more flexability in choise of words? Thanks for the help.
Re: a comment on The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	20-Feb-06/8:17 AM
No, I haven't checked that out yet, but I deefinately will sometime today. Thanks, as always, for the input.
Re: Witch's Brew by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/8:10 AM
Man I love this.
Re: a comment on You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/7:56 AM
I'm glad you like it - high regard from the better poets here is certainly praise indeed! The spider was a semi-reference to God, in a way that people enter cathedrals and seem to be a little uncertain as to whether anything really is paying attention, plus from the spider's point of view the chamber is his 'house', just as the cathedral is God's. In contrast, its reaction to the song was a mirror of mine; I had never heard such an awe-inspiring verse before (hence the description of myself as a doll; the inexperience and discovery of childhood). The tree was an image that unfolded in my mind as I listened; imagine the life of a tree sped up so it happens in the space of just a few moments - a crescendo at birth, a verse in full bloom, and the fading final years...I'm sure it's not an original metaphor, but it seems a perfect description for a song. There's so much that I tried to fit in here, not all of it particularly well jointed together - it's fantastic that people like this, but to me it still seems untidy somehow. In time I may do another version, but I'm prepared to be patient with this one. It took me an extremely long time to write. Side note: this actually started life as a haiku - oh how things change!
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:53 AM
Really interesting and fresh images. Some of it gets a little too self-consciously "poetic" for me, but you keep the language pretty simple which helps it from becoming overly flowery. Somethings get a little blurry: "plants more often wintry Than all the spiky seeds of summer " ? More wintry than the . . . seeds of summer are wintry? I don't think that's what you mean, but it's what you say. Do you need "phantom" given that you have "ghouls" already? How's a "suicide of pixies" a "harmless guarantee"--things like that. Cool, overall though--I'd like more coherence, but it's original and you've got something good to work with.
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:24 AM
A cool idea, but I don't think you take the ski metaphor far enough (particularly since you like the line enough to repeat it), and some of the comparisons to other things seem scattered. Some places where the language gets a little stilted because you're writing to the rhyme (are never deemed mild; His love has just left/To come back yet again/He will misspell words/But only in pretend). You have a good sense, here and otherwise, of bringing things to an end (I think endings are sometimes the hardest thing to pull off).
Re: Ben Fogle by Stephen Robins	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:19 AM
I looked him up, but I didn't really have to (because this nailed it). He is a clean, adventurous Gentleman, isn't he?
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:17 AM
Some good stuff in here, Ranger! "Thin-spinning"; "top-hat velvet . . . tails", songs in grain, pendulum toys and ticktock steps. Really cool feel and language. You talk about the use of metaphor--spider, tree--in your comment. It does come through, I think--but, out of curiosity: what were you aiming for?