Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-Oct-06/4:48 PM
But you could be if you keep talking that way.
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/4:33 PM
You don't have to be someone's lover to know, or at least be pretty certain, that they're capable. Personally I don't see any detachment in it - could be that mine's the 'bloke' view, I guess. If anything, it's almost coy - we get to the end expecting some sort of conclusion or making up of the mind (will she? won't she?) but once the narrator's smiled sweetly and gone we realise that we haven't been given anything at all.
Re: a comment on "Twee" by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/4:27 PM
Faint heart never won fair maid, huh? ;-)
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-Oct-06/4:23 PM
It's good to hear another woman's take on it. I might try to clear up the "detachment" you see, because it is not intended. I mean it in an affectionate way. Thanks for commenting.
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/4:20 PM
The stanzas don't really connect with each other. I'm dying to say 'change pawn to prawne', that would at least give a bit of continuity with the sinking and the ship. But seriously, this doesn't really carry much meaning to me. I know you've got something to say, and I guess I can see what you're saying...but it doesn't grab me, in this form. I don't really know what to suggest, other than getting a continuous link throughout the poem.
Re: A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	1-Oct-06/4:14 PM
So I take it all the lust you spoke of in the beginning lines, that he is feeling, has been denied? Then how can he respect you as 'a capable lover'...or are you not, with him, but he knows you are?...how?? The ending lines threw me. And this seems like a detatched person commenting...which seemed kinda creepy and manipulative...but that's just my feeling after reading it. Not sure what you meant with it...maybe just that.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/4:04 PM
I'm not yet sure what's going to happen with this. It started life as just an exercise in iambic pentameter, using old ideas. I guess I was more concerned with getting the metre right than making it clear. It's about a storm passing over a field of sunflowers - hundreds of lizards emerged after the storm. I think I equate that passage to optimism after the storm, even though it's certain there'll be another along in the future. Maybe that's where it'll go. Thanks for the comment :-)
Re: "Twee" by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	1-Oct-06/4:04 PM
...Then we'll be a couple quite faint. ...Don't expect more than you ain't. LOL... Cute little ditty:)
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	1-Oct-06/3:37 PM
Least favorite line, for me, would have to be 'and lizards leaping like a joyful king." I have no idea why you stuck that in there. After reading all the indecition and comments about this piece, it seems clear you are not done with this, and aren't even sure where you are going, or what you are truly saying here. I am wondering why you didn't stick to the opening theme of you taking her there. Familiar to you, disliked by her. How it is through your eyes, and how it is seen through hers. I think that is where this meant to go...and then it got lost in all the descriptive phrases, along the way. I'll be interested to see where this ends up, in the end.
Re: a comment on The Natural Course of Fear by half.italian	half.italian 70.36.242.152	1-Oct-06/3:33 PM
It's trying to describe the phases that your body goes through when you feel fear. First you get short of breath, then you get an uncomfortable tingle (hair stands on end) then some kind of overwhelming force courses through your body.
Re: a comment on The Natural Course of Fear by half.italian	half.italian 70.36.242.152	1-Oct-06/3:31 PM
I envisioned raspberry as a burn on your skin from scraping along the ground. It is uncomfortable and creates a scab. Not fun. I think I was reaching more with parallel skeins. Maybe it was just the connection with the word veins and skeleton that made it scary to me.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-Oct-06/3:30 PM
I like it better this way, flows easier, less forced.
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-Oct-06/3:23 PM
Believe me, I am not detached and not professional, but thanks for the comment. Women do not always appreciate the sides of men's affections that can be just as tender as the ones we do appreciate.
Re: The Natural Course of Fear by half.italian	dvincent 71.109.114.41	1-Oct-06/3:20 PM
Two phrases bother me in this poem. "Raspberry tingle" is hard to grasp and has a "cutesy," "sugary" sense to it. And "parallel skeins" is also hard ot grasp and, like the former, doesn't lend to the idea of fear. Neither phrase suports the idea of fear. Not sure if I'm off base with what were after but these things distracted me. I love "Begin by breathig in twos." Although I don't know what it means, it has a sene of fear in it, like hyperventilating or something. And it's original and flows well.
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-Oct-06/3:19 PM
I appreciate these two diverse views - yours and Ranger's. Both are good. I think thaqt it verges on showing, not telling, by virtue of a woman giving her impression of a man's thinking. Thanks for commenting.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/1:30 PM
My pleasure :-) It still works well. I like the high percentage of feminine line endings, it makes it gentle, yet slightly ragged (like bleeding cuts). Only thing I'd be wary of here - and I should have said this last time round - is that the first line is slightly awkward to link to the rest of that stanza. I assume you mean it in the sense that everyone mentions the weather, everyone hurts when cut, everyone bleeds real blood - but does everyone cry gently? I guess it's a bit of an unfair gripe to just pick at something minor like that, but when the rest's as good as it is, why not strive for perfection? ;-)
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Oct-06/1:24 PM
The thing is, this is a very 'general' poem. It's the classic 'nice guy' syndrome, only from the perspective of a woman - I just feel that if it were made more specific, it would lose some of its ability to connect with me as a reader. As it stands, it's one of those poems that gets a 'I hear ya!' response from me, whereas if the protagonist was talking about a short, blonde dude then I wouldn't connect with it as such. Usually I'm all for image overload, but occasionally I like to do the colouring in myself.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	1-Oct-06/12:01 PM
thank you much for your kind and frequent comments. taking into account your comments and others, i've pared down one stanza and revised my line breaks to flow more with the ideas of the story; see what you think of this version. i did notice the double entendre about hell, but that was after i wrote it, not before.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	1-Oct-06/11:50 AM
good point. i never really planned for it to be senryu format, the words just sort of fell into it by accident, i guess because i've been using 5-7-5 with some frequency of late. i like the cadence the way it is, but i'm going to change the line breaks. see if you think it makes a difference.
Re: A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	dvincent 71.109.114.41	1-Oct-06/10:21 AM
This is very nice. Well thought out and very lyrical. And even though it has a tenderness to it, you've managed to NOT get overly personal and self-indulgent. It has a nice, professional detachment to to it. Great work!