Re: Just Another Reason by Skamper	pete 62.56.116.192	22-Jun-07/11:54 PM
hi;...yeah; felt exactly the same as jessicazee about the last 3 lines; . the lead up was good enough to deserve much more ... the first 3 lines could in fact stand alone... nice changes of rhythm......7 and a half points
Re: Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina	pete 62.56.116.192	22-Jun-07/11:46 PM
wow, Dovina; must be yr most powerful poem yet ... tho must admit I've skipped over quite a few;... just a thought... the end i found flat because the symmetry so obviously demanded it; ... I'da skewed it a bit, ... like win, who needs it..or .loss is lost or something; ... but then then....you know;.it's yr poem :-),I'm more of an imperfectionist
Re: Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina	Skamper 202.6.130.130	22-Jun-07/11:44 PM
very bleak - and arrogant...I like it!
Re: Tirade of a Venetian Ghost by MacFrantic	Skamper 202.6.130.130	22-Jun-07/11:41 PM
Was this a suicidal ghost?
Re: essence of a thought by lmp	Skamper 202.6.130.130	22-Jun-07/11:31 PM
I am torn between wanting you to change the rhyme scheme to uniform and saying what the fuck - it's a brilliant piece of work...ah!! screw it - you know this is good! :)
Re: a comment on Within myself waiting for a call by jessicazee	Skamper 202.6.130.130	22-Jun-07/11:27 PM
this has more the feel of just hanging around - You ended it well making us see that you are waiting for something...nice work!
Re: a comment on Just Another Reason by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.130.130	22-Jun-07/11:19 PM
Not sure about what you mean about the last three lines - they are kinda incorporated in the intro... Hmm...I noticed now I have 'til written twice, will fix that up on my own copy thanks.
Re: essence of a thought by lmp	Dovina 71.158.210.68	22-Jun-07/5:25 PM
I like the contrasts expressed in the first two verses. Then the pattern changes in S3, driving on with the main point. But I like this too. It's the kind of poem I relate to personally, having had a few thoughts that hit with this kind of power. Very good.
Re: a comment on essence of a thought by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	22-Jun-07/1:20 PM
i didnt want to start every stanza with essentially the same line, i also wanted to end the poem with the same line that began it. i did like the repetition of the first line in the first two stanzas. the change of rhythm is a bit disturbing, much like the thought.
Re: essence of a thought by lmp	Ranger 217.41.217.24	22-Jun-07/1:14 PM
Good write. I like the rhymes although when you alter the pattern it is maybe a little distracting.
Re: a comment on Alcohol by tisa7	Ranger 217.41.217.24	22-Jun-07/1:05 PM
"...it has got bells on it".
Re: a comment on Alcohol by tisa7	lmp 141.154.134.3	22-Jun-07/7:40 AM
from monty python's holy grail: "no, really, pull the other one."
Re: Foie Gras by Christof	lmp 141.154.134.3	22-Jun-07/7:38 AM
lots of good stuff here: "warm scorn". "lumpen from fear", "filleted men". is it a British saying to call a telephone handset a funnel or is that an expression of the poem. if the latter, another good one. what i get from this is a lonely businessman, pining for his youth with drive-in theatres, sports victories, and of course, shagging. all the trappings of success without any real substance. didnt quite get the torture of geese unless it is a reference to hearing a novice playing bagpipes.
Re: a comment on Just Another Reason by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	22-Jun-07/7:31 AM
exactly! sometimes it is hard to watch them do all that, but life can be an excellent teacher.
Re: Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick	Ranger 86.145.28.29	22-Jun-07/2:17 AM
A lot of good lines - 'love is most commonly found written on a paper', 'piss out the rust' and others. Not sure about 'corporate feeding tubes', it might work better if it were a little more detached from the social ills. Or that might just be my reading. Good poeme. Btw, I never got that email, I think the microsoft network might not be all it's cracked up to be :-(
Re: a comment on Alcohol by tisa7	Ranger 86.145.28.29	22-Jun-07/2:10 AM
A good friend of mine got utterly wrecked one night but woke up the next morning feeling fine. Due to the laws of equilibrium, his housemate, who had not touched a drop all night, got the hangover by proxy. True story. Even the god of alcohol seems to enjoy a laugh.
Re: Just Another Reason by Skamper	jessicazee 24.160.240.223	22-Jun-07/12:05 AM
Just write the word "until" instaead of "'til" for greater effect..., also, not a big deal but offspring in line 12 needs a "f"... I feel like the last 3 lines deserve more? Maybe incorporate them into your very strong intro? 8
Re: a comment on Within myself waiting for a call by jessicazee	jessicazee 24.160.240.223	22-Jun-07/12:00 AM
I was just obsessing about my foot parts while a dumb phone call was impending...I added some stuff, thanks for commenting...
Re: Alcohol by tisa7	drnick 24.247.158.152	21-Jun-07/10:40 PM
Awesome, I'll print this out and bring it with me to the bathroom in the morning. You know the cure for a hangover is smoking weed.
Re: a comment on Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick	drnick 24.247.158.152	21-Jun-07/10:37 PM
Thanks, I feel as though whenever I try to forget about rhyming is when I write my best work. Unfortunatley this does not happen that often. Thank you.