Dovina
replying on Feudal Conflict by Dovina
25 Jan 2005, 10:14 AM
Not a bad title. She is a bit feisty.
I'd like to hear what "word-heavy" means to you here. You must realize that I wanted to keep the chess images flowing and certain words are needed for that.
I am afraid you are bored, because it is about chess. It is also about a relationship I don't know what you mean by "the look" or why that would make you scared.
I was afraid someone would take the word "queen" in this way. Must it be you, O friend Brutus? You see, chess is a very old game, mayby oder even than the "queens" you speak of, though I doubt it, Greeks being as they were and all.
I like "deem" but zodiac will dislike it for that reason and impute his dislike to something quite literary or enstooling.
It definitely has a lyrical quality to it, I could imagine it being sung rather than recited. Not too sure about the flow though, there are times when it seems overburdened by the choice of language and this stifles the rythm a little.
I like the way you address such contemporary themes here, its refreshing and intriguing, especially considering how many consider rap and hip-hop to be the most relevant form of poetry in today's world. However, I'm inclined to agree with Shuushin that you lose your momentum towards the end, as it feels like something of an anticlimax. 8
Hmmmm, this has potential, but unfortunately I detect more than a faint whiff of plagiarism in the air. Are you an oasis fan by any chance? The bridge is oddly reminiscent of another song...
title: "Prima donna." I'd give that a 9.
This is pretty not bad. 9.49
I think you got word-heavy on this one, D - but I agree, it is a little ominous.
A nice job with a topic I know nothing about - having said that, I think you ran out of steam at about here:
"Why couldn't you have survived
And let the dark angels pass you by?"
From that point on... I dunno, it looses something.
What is there, however, is very strong.
Is this about chess...or about "the look"? If it's about chess, then I'm bored....if it's about "the look" then I'm scared.
ahem, aversion to "thing" considered illfounded?!? You've forgotten our battle of limericks over the word, then, have you?
I'm not sure it's an actual error to use discover as a synonym for the sense of find that means "come to feel", but it certainly is jarring, and by using it so you risk making those readers who possess a finely developed literary sensitivity wince.
I did.
And since I was reading during my morning enstooling, it caused me in fact to inadvertently pinch off a log quite before I was ready to do so. The delicate mopping away of the resulting splashings necessitated my full attention, hence I was unable to complete my perusal of the pome. These are the risks one takes with one's audience when one neglects to adequately ponder proper usage!
English 201:
if you intended "discover" as a synonym for the sense of find that means "come to feel" then:
"My creatures will discover that all I've made
seems quite pleasing and right to their finite minds"
was what you were looking for.
If you intended discover as a synonym for the sense of find that means "judge", the only d-word I'm aware of is "deem":
My creatures will deem all I've made
quite pleasing and right in their finite minds.
Gee Dovina, around L.A. the queens slay as they lay with their own holey men.
I believe they have three digits on each pseudo-pod so they count in base six. So maybe they have an area 54.
I think "Reflexive Enstooling" should be added to the list of pome categories.