frdup717
on some deleted poem
20 Aug 2004, 2:56 PM
YAY!
What? Move.
not bad -7-
Thanks for the help.
I changed "one's" to "ones."
Doug
All the worldâs an illusion
You're funny... So what you're saying is that with enough happy thought focusing we can all fly off to Uranus, brilliant.
You are aware that one can order in viagra, correct?
I like the thought behind the lyrics - very nostalgic,yet depressing in a certain way.
Very Langston Hughes-ish with the repeating of the first line.
Extremely lewd.
Even for you...
Cheers
The allusions are all very effective and affective.-10-
Great last four lines (along with all the rest).
A morning love Into an afternoon love,
("Into one from this afternoon"? Too much love in this poem for my taste.)-10- Anyway it's good without my meddling.
The first verse is great, says it all.
a tic turd on high whip.
Not bad, like a lyric, could be sung at the opening of the Republican convention.
nice!! I like it! But hey keep your head up!
I bet no one has read this without scratching thier head. Next time, write one about swallowing shot-puts for no reason. 9.
A giant globule of pointless fodder. -=9=-
The thought is good, but the poem could use more of the devices that attract someone unfamiliar with you and your subject. I often say that the spirit of a poem is more important than it's form, but here form is lacking. You've got the hard part, the rest is easy.
The magic in love, may it last and last!
Sordid....... but rather nicely said!