blacksoul
on "Lovers or Friends" by jroday
28 Mar 2005, 3:55 PM
You did a rush job on writting this one pops, slow donw
NO COMMENT!!!
Well, pink bunny/luzr,
Another REALLY good poem, very real, too, like you are writing in your journal or writing a letter to someone about this girl. Just a few comments:
***The words I haven't even wrote yet
***Burning brightly on my tongue
VERY good imagery! This alone made me want to keep on reading.
***And then I'll spend the rest of my evening
***Dancing a tactful tip-toe
***Between polite, and real conversation
***Remembering that words are weapons
***And you never liked the smoking barrel of my tongue
***So I'll have to try and keep it unloaded
This really struck me. You are so open and well articulated that I can actually "see" how you and this girl are (or were), what your relationship is like. You tend to be hard, but you are tender with this girl.
***A second first,
The only part that I dind't "get" was the "a second first". What does that part mean?
Overall, VERY nicely done.
juli harrelson :)
I don't know these idyllic people in "so they say." Sounds like you could wait a long time.
Cute.
Not really a poem.
Plato has some very worthwhile things to say. Try reading him when you're older.
The ending was very cheezy and expected. Still as Dovina said, cute.
"if in your heart a melody sings
and you the one in debt
and part of the reason I write now"
Good thought but the tiniest editing on these lines would help the flow. -9- for now.
I think you meant "fury".
Few typos here and there, and a nice piece but it lacks some of the finer points of craftmanship.
Things this Needs
A) A good title, that doesn't give away your ending, much less the entire poem.
B) A better thought out meter.
C) Spellcheck.
D) A rewrite.
Til then -5-
Funny story. The last verse, however, ceases to be story, and is properly categorized as âTellingâ for which you must be chastised.
Dovina/Pinkbunny:
Thank you so much for being truthful. I know you guys are telling the truth because I just cannot seem to find my "old passion" and how open and raw I used to be at one time when I wrote poetry and prose. My journal is the ONLY place I get REALLY real and passionate.
But thank you, again, for being real with me. I know this poem is missing something. Just gotta find my old self.
Sincerely,
juli :)
Now, THAT is one HECK of a passionate poem! I think you pulled off the rhyming really well.
***Window slamming,
***Many looks,
***Paper jamming,
This was the only part that through me slightly off. Is the setting for this poem an office? Sorry, if not. That's what came to mind as I read it.
Very good.
Reminds me of my own writing style a few years ago.
Last Verse, Line 2
"I want you to want the same"
D. luv the flo, keep doin' the dayum thang sugga.
You've got a good idea for a poem here, but it appears following too closely to the truth of the event. To tell the truth, you have to lie sometimes. To relate a thing, you have to change it.
Gotta love music.
its so romanic i've never read such great work