Re: Lover by Dental Panic	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/10:26 AM
Why continue in verse 3 with the bus? It seems to cloud a good start. And the break between verses 1 and 2 seems wrong.
Re: A World At War by Damien	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/10:30 AM
Too many words, and not carefully chosen. "safely wallowing in safety" for example.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/10:37 AM
At least I know that all these recent poems about the London attacks are recent poems. I think it's best to post our most recent stuff, rather than dragging up old poems as some do. It keeps the comments current and alive. This good up through "courageous fellows." Then "covet thy Moslem" doesn't make much sense, nor does "is this the Kuran?" And the last verse seems like an angry rant without much real content.
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	Lenore 64.252.101.156	8-Jul-05/10:47 AM
It’s strange but I feel guilty. The kind of guilt one might feel after reading someone’s diary. This work is so personal, so strong. It should be rolled up and tied up with the small red string that she left for you in that box. There’s more to say but I can’t. Thank You.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/3:54 PM
You heard this, right? It came as a forewarded email.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/9:01 PM
We're terrible that way. Monstrous.
Re: JUST A FEW by rbooey	Dovina 69.175.32.185	8-Jul-05/9:05 PM
I thought I knew who MUM was until the end. Weird.
regarding some deleted poem...	david 24.85.155.58	8-Jul-05/9:08 PM
It's as though you've been watching me eating pistachios late at night, weeping for the ones I can't open.
Re: JUST A FEW by rbooey	ALChemy 65.188.89.69	9-Jul-05/8:27 AM
I could give my opinion but the only opinion that matters about this poem is your MUM's. And if somewhere out there she say's it's GREAT then who the hell am I to argue.
Re: Almost Persuaded by Dovina	ALChemy 65.188.89.69	9-Jul-05/9:11 AM
If you make a vague poem people will get different meanings from it. I like that I can give this my own meaning. I like the switch from possitivity to negetivity at the end. But "ambling"? Although with alot of thought I see how you might be going for the Gen. Patton type image calmly surveying the battlefield. I think it just tends to come across as a fancy word for walking for most. Try some other words. The second verse just needs a little tweeking. It's pretty good Though.
Re: Lover by Dental Panic	Dovina 69.175.32.185	9-Jul-05/4:36 PM
It's better now, clearer. Still, the timing of your posting and the tube, river, therain and all implies the London bombings. Then why is it called Lover? And why is it bad luck that he was not on the train that was bombed? Maybe he avoided the train disaster only to get on the bus to be blown up. It's not clear.
Re: Endurance by Dovina	Dental Panic 84.31.86.195	9-Jul-05/4:40 PM
I'm in the dark. It seems a very private thing to me, with strange imagery.
Re: Lover by Dental Panic	edpeterson 68.79.53.124	9-Jul-05/8:18 PM
I think this is excellent
Re: Slice Open My Body by TLRufener	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 69.231.18.104	9-Jul-05/11:25 PM
I would change the first two lines a little. I'd write something like "I'd tell you to slice open my body and tear out my heart, but you already have."
Re: When my place is placeless by Prince of Void	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 69.231.18.104	9-Jul-05/11:30 PM
meh.
Re: Almost Persuaded by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.3	10-Jul-05/10:03 PM
I don't get the connection between "world spinning" (positive) and "uniformity" (negative). Just a nitpick. You probably meant "spinning" like 'dizzy and disoriented'. That's fine, it's just not the first meaning I got. Q: Does it take more work to keep an already-spinning world spinning or to stop it? Please include any relevant charts and diagrams in your answer. PS-Ace rhyme. Really.
Re: Endurance by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.3	10-Jul-05/10:27 PM
Not good.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 212.118.19.3	10-Jul-05/10:48 PM
The best Islam poem on poemranker today. Did you know Sahib comes from the root word "to pull"? No? Ace!
Re: London Calling by Bluemonkey	zodiac 212.118.19.3	10-Jul-05/10:51 PM
"bearded attempts" is great.
Re: Apathy by nentwined	LilMsLadyPoet 152.163.100.135	11-Jul-05/7:23 AM
ooo...I like this...there are a few places where the choice to break word flow/sentence/thought, within the lines, is strange to me... "Trust in one's own self opens eyes and grants power" About: "there's momentous" , think an "a" in there would be nice; especially since you use "on a flower". I admit that it is hard to use puncuation correctly, at times, especially with poems like this, that are freeflowing thoughts that lead into one another, often disconnected, but connected, depending on how it is read...that said, I believe the rule is: If you use puncuation, (You do) then use it throughout the piece, (You don't; I see commas, but no periods. I see sentences, I think, but it is not clear where they start and end. If this is intentional, then I would remove all punctuation, and let the reader flit along or float along unaided by punctuation. If you want things to read as a definitly defined thought or sentence, then use punctuation. The first three lines are exceptional!! The next three awesome, also! I love your word choices... >"gnoshing green leaves". Do some editing and I would be tempted to give it a 9...*smile*, as I don't give 10's.