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Apathy (Free verse) by nentwined Cannot see the trees for the forest of my fears
thick gnarled mental
roots thrust deep in grey apathy
can not is will not is does not is
dead
self-imposed stasis inside of my head
self frightens self in
experiences of life
experiece false, conjured imagination
imagination
paining so self seeks the gutter
gutterbug lonely -- frightened only by
dreams
dreams of mosquitos buzzing round the hazy fire
ignoring comfort,
the hammock, tranquility
fear forgetting life's abundant simplicity
green caterpillar gnoshing green leaves, innocence
the fear of the gut
stems only from the hunger
when the hunger leaves there's momentous
occassion
butterfly blossoms and alights on a flower
trust in one's own
self opens eyes and grants power
Up the ladder:
the meeting
Down the ladder:
Kindling
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6235294
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:18 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:18 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.6235294 Overall Rank: 583 Comments:
[0]...
anonymous @
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23-Jun-01/12:39 AM
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Reply
I really like the first four lines of the last stanza, the rest is to forced. mbonica@yahoo.com
you leap from blind fear into a blossom of power. How? There is a step missing here. Really love when you go rhythmic: "can not is will not is does not is dead" and "cannot see the trees for the forest of my fears" You could have two poems here.
strong last line
too abstract.
Hackneyed and clich?d. Please stop.
"And to all the children: congradulations!" Maybe someone will get that. Maybe. A remarkably prudent message. A triumph.
Thanks you've helped me shed some bottom grapes. I clenched my cheeks so hard i strangled a few of the buggers. And when i shuddered on the re-read they fell out the bottom of my corduroy trousers and will keep the colony of ants that live in the chimney breast occupied for many days to come. So in a round about way you did entertain me. Pity it all had to start with such anus contracting unpleasentness
i think i see what you were getting at, but i'm not sure this gets at it. explain, please?
Philosophiliscious, of the hook(disconnected!)... Stupendiatanial yet conflicted in some sexy type of way. In other words,"WOW!"
nice choice in words... I like it
quite expressive.
Opened eyes wielding power, would not, I hope, be apathetic.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The line starting 'can not' is really fucking irritating. The line following it is like a rejected Ozzy Osbourne lyric. This is terrible bullshit.
Saucy to the extreme degree... Da1 with satisfeid eyes
I grade hard, but your poem is very worthy of comment... Damn-it
ooo...I like this...there are a few places where the choice to break word flow/sentence/thought, within the lines, is strange to me...
"Trust in one's own self opens eyes and grants power" About: "there's momentous" , think an "a" in there would be nice; especially since you use "on a flower". I admit that it is hard to use puncuation correctly, at times, especially with poems like this, that are freeflowing thoughts that lead into one another, often disconnected, but connected, depending on how it is read...that said, I believe the rule is: If you use puncuation, (You do) then use it throughout the piece, (You don't; I see commas, but no periods. I see sentences, I think, but it is not clear where they start and end. If this is intentional, then I would remove all punctuation, and let the reader flit along or float along unaided by punctuation. If you want things to read as a definitly defined thought or sentence, then use punctuation. The first three lines are exceptional!! The next three awesome, also! I love your word choices... >"gnoshing green leaves". Do some editing and I would be tempted to give it a 9...*smile*, as I don't give 10's. 575 view(s)
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