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Free verse № 273

Apathy

by nentwined

Member since 2001 · Posted 16 Mar 2002 · 18 comments

Cannot see the trees for the forest of my fears thick gnarled mental roots thrust deep in grey apathy can not is will not is does not is dead self-imposed stasis inside of my head self frightens self in experiences of life experiece false, conjured imagination imagination paining so self seeks the gutter gutterbug lonely -- frightened only by dreams dreams of mosquitos buzzing round the hazy fire ignoring comfort, the hammock, tranquility fear forgetting life's abundant simplicity green caterpillar gnoshing green leaves, innocence the fear of the gut stems only from the hunger when the hunger leaves there's momentous occassion butterfly blossoms and alights on a flower trust in one's own self opens eyes and grants power

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18 comments

[0] anonymous 23-Jun-01/12:39 AM Reply
I really like the first four lines of the last stanza, the rest is to forced. mbonica@yahoo.com
[n/a] Modulo 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM Reply
This sounds like a very personal "insider" train of thought. hadtobethere? Sounds like something was conveyed but I couldn't put my finger on it.
[n/a] nrevatehtni 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM Reply
you leap from blind fear into a blossom of power. How? There is a step missing here. Really love when you go rhythmic: "can not is will not is does not is dead" and "cannot see the trees for the forest of my fears" You could have two poems here.
[10] Jill Stockinger 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM Reply
strong last line
[n/a] ifni 16-Mar-02/1:21 AM Reply
Dances.
[4] deleted user 7-May-02/5:22 AM Reply
too abstract.
[0] anonymous 10-May-02/9:04 AM Reply
Hackneyed and clich?d. Please stop.
[9] Shin-Bojangles 25-Aug-02/12:07 AM Reply
"And to all the children: congradulations!" Maybe someone will get that. Maybe. A remarkably prudent message. A triumph.
[1] ==Doylum 25-Aug-02/6:00 PM Reply
Thanks you've helped me shed some bottom grapes. I clenched my cheeks so hard i strangled a few of the buggers. And when i shuddered on the re-read they fell out the bottom of my corduroy trousers and will keep the colony of ants that live in the chimney breast occupied for many days to come. So in a round about way you did entertain me. Pity it all had to start with such anus contracting unpleasentness
[n/a] <~> 25-Aug-02/10:22 PM Reply
i think i see what you were getting at, but i'm not sure this gets at it. explain, please?
[10] Sigh'ense... 26-Aug-02/12:05 PM Reply
Philosophiliscious, of the hook(disconnected!)... Stupendiatanial yet conflicted in some sexy type of way. In other words,"WOW!"
[7] bdub420 27-Aug-02/2:19 AM Reply
nice choice in words... I like it
[n/a] vulcan 27-Aug-02/12:16 PM Reply
quite expressive.
[6] Limness 27-Aug-02/1:06 PM Reply
Opened eyes wielding power, would not, I hope, be apathetic.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 29-Aug-02/4:11 PM Reply
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The line starting 'can not' is really fucking irritating. The line following it is like a rejected Ozzy Osbourne lyric. This is terrible bullshit.
[10] Sigh'ense... 2-Sep-02/1:19 AM Reply
Saucy to the extreme degree... Da1 with satisfeid eyes
[9] *Lyrisick* 2-Sep-02/1:39 AM Reply
I grade hard, but your poem is very worthy of comment... Damn-it
[7] LilMsLadyPoet 11-Jul-05/7:23 AM Reply
ooo...I like this...there are a few places where the choice to break word flow/sentence/thought, within the lines, is strange to me...
"Trust in one's own
self opens eyes and grants power"
About: "there's momentous" , think an "a" in there would be nice; especially since you use "on a flower". I admit that it is hard to use puncuation correctly, at times, especially with poems like this, that are freeflowing thoughts that lead into one another, often disconnected, but connected, depending on how it is read...that said, I believe the rule is: If you use puncuation, (You do) then use it throughout the piece, (You don't; I see commas, but no periods. I see sentences, I think, but it is not clear where they start and end. If this is intentional, then I would remove all punctuation, and let the reader flit along or float along unaided by punctuation. If you want things to read as a definitly defined thought or sentence, then use punctuation. The first three lines are exceptional!! The next three awesome, also! I love your word choices... >"gnoshing green leaves". Do some editing and I would be tempted to give it a 9...*smile*, as I don't give 10's.