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Apathy (Free verse) by nentwined

Cannot see the trees for the forest of my fears thick gnarled mental roots thrust deep in grey apathy can not is will not is does not is dead self-imposed stasis inside of my head self frightens self in experiences of life experiece false, conjured imagination imagination paining so self seeks the gutter gutterbug lonely -- frightened only by dreams dreams of mosquitos buzzing round the hazy fire ignoring comfort, the hammock, tranquility fear forgetting life's abundant simplicity green caterpillar gnoshing green leaves, innocence the fear of the gut stems only from the hunger when the hunger leaves there's momentous occassion butterfly blossoms and alights on a flower trust in one's own self opens eyes and grants power

LilMsLadyPoet 11-Jul-05/7:23 AM
ooo...I like this...there are a few places where the choice to break word flow/sentence/thought, within the lines, is strange to me...
"Trust in one's own
self opens eyes and grants power"
About: "there's momentous" , think an "a" in there would be nice; especially since you use "on a flower". I admit that it is hard to use puncuation correctly, at times, especially with poems like this, that are freeflowing thoughts that lead into one another, often disconnected, but connected, depending on how it is read...that said, I believe the rule is: If you use puncuation, (You do) then use it throughout the piece, (You don't; I see commas, but no periods. I see sentences, I think, but it is not clear where they start and end. If this is intentional, then I would remove all punctuation, and let the reader flit along or float along unaided by punctuation. If you want things to read as a definitly defined thought or sentence, then use punctuation. The first three lines are exceptional!! The next three awesome, also! I love your word choices... >"gnoshing green leaves". Do some editing and I would be tempted to give it a 9...*smile*, as I don't give 10's.




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