Re: a new notch by oneglove	cabot 68.8.167.40	13-Oct-05/10:55 PM
great poem, check mine out
Re: Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/12:52 AM
Seriously? And your name at the end? Wo. Seek help. Hee. Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves". Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.
regarding some deleted poem...	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/12:59 AM
Could benefit from a little more concrete imagery and less "Me! Me! Me!" for actual readers. Great journal entry; fair-to-middlin' out-there-in-the-world poetry.
Re: Lucky by suejonespoetry	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/1:04 AM
Omit the 1st 3 stanzas, they don't matter for for real writing out loud; after that, very good --- keep expressing that tough, genuine voice. Don't let your wallflower alter-ego write prefacing disclaimers for your really right-on, deadpan visions that speak for themselves. good job. 8.6
Re: Lucky by suejonespoetry	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/1:07 AM
One more thing after reading this again --- you are a great writer, and I mean that because I heard you say this out loud; if not here in my room, but the way you say your words without backpedaling. Yeah.
regarding some deleted poem...	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/1:09 AM
Love it overall; hate sentences that start: "Suddenly,..." Like, it was totally a dark and stormy night, oh my God.
regarding some deleted poem...	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	14-Oct-05/1:12 AM
Deep.
Re: Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	14-Oct-05/5:40 AM
See I thought the DP stood for Double Penetration.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	14-Oct-05/5:42 AM
Not quite as repetitious as your posts. I thought they put a limit on them. At least make it new poems.
Re: Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	14-Oct-05/5:49 AM
We were put here to make plastic. Now that that's been done the earth has decided to exterminate us via tsunami, hurricanes and the bird flu.
Re: Cycles In Circles - Shame by D P Robertson	Niphredil 192.115.60.89	14-Oct-05/8:59 AM
Way too long with nothing to say! I got bored well before the halfway mark. I'm not really sure what you're getting at, and the cyclic composition seems forced to me. Sorry.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.202.128.95	14-Oct-05/9:21 AM
More of a thought process that a final process of being poetic. Like the self assurance of last line
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.202.128.95	14-Oct-05/9:22 AM
Sounds like a song intro and a pretty good one but the end should be the end of an intro not the end
Re: The End by Caducus	<~> 167.206.181.179	14-Oct-05/10:00 AM
i don't think it is. the fact that you are wishing in the next stanza implies that you are living, and i don't think you need to make the promise to. nice job, cad.
Re: I Can't Believe He Killed Her by jessicazee	Dovina 209.247.222.81	14-Oct-05/10:59 AM
And maybe he didn't. The sister coming along late in the poem - ok, but confusing. Comma after "I think." Good overall.
Re: Midnight Questions by TLRufener	Dovina 209.247.222.81	14-Oct-05/11:11 AM
I answered in the negative or with unconcern to most of your questions, but "How many people would mourn you and cry?" is worthy of thought.
Re: Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson	Dovina 209.247.222.81	14-Oct-05/11:15 AM
A dream of redundant fears. Could be a lot shorter, but maybe you wanted to stress the recurrance.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 209.247.222.81	14-Oct-05/11:17 AM
Please, as a courtesy to the the new poems being posted, do not recycle all your stuff on the same day. Thank you.
Re: Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot	Niphredil 192.115.60.89	14-Oct-05/11:38 AM
Please, check your spelling and grammar. I've counted at least 10 problems that need to be fixed (and that's including words like don't and won't which should really be apostrophized).
Re: The End by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	14-Oct-05/11:44 AM
First two lines don't make sense to me (Please explain) and you carry the metaphor for 3 verses and then abandon it for something completely different. Should you lose the last line of S4? -Yes and also all of S4 and S5. Save most of S4 though for another poem. There's some good stuff in it. When every line in the first 3 stanzas are the same metaphor your kinda stuck with it and you got to stay with it. Did you mean "Seppuku"? Some real good lines in it though.