great poem, check mine out

Seriously? And your name at the end? Wo. Seek help. Hee. Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves". Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.

Could benefit from a little more concrete imagery and less "Me! Me! Me!" for actual readers. Great journal entry; fair-to-middlin' out-there-in-the-world poetry.

We were put here to make plastic. Now that that's been done the earth has decided to exterminate us via tsunami, hurricanes and the bird flu.

Please, as a courtesy to the the new poems being posted, do not recycle all your stuff on the same day. Thank you.

More of a thought process that a final process of being poetic. Like the self assurance of last line

Sounds like a song intro and a pretty good one but the end should be the end of an intro not the end

Omit the 1st 3 stanzas, they don't matter for for real writing out loud; after that, very good --- keep expressing that tough, genuine voice. Don't let your wallflower alter-ego write prefacing disclaimers for your really right-on, deadpan visions that speak for themselves. good job. 8.6

One more thing after reading this again --- you are a great writer, and I mean that because I heard you say this out loud; if not here in my room, but the way you say your words without backpedaling. Yeah.

Love it overall; hate sentences that start: "Suddenly,..." Like, it was totally a dark and stormy night, oh my God.

Deep.

See I thought the DP stood for Double Penetration.

Not quite as repetitious as your posts. I thought they put a limit on them. At least make it new poems.

Way too long with nothing to say! I got bored well before the halfway mark. I'm not really sure what you're getting at, and the cyclic composition seems forced to me. Sorry.

i don't think it is. the fact that you are wishing in the next stanza implies that you are living, and i don't think you need to make the promise to. nice job, cad.

And maybe he didn't. The sister coming along late in the poem - ok, but confusing. Comma after "I think." Good overall.

I answered in the negative or with unconcern to most of your questions, but "How many people would mourn you and cry?" is worthy of thought.

A dream of redundant fears. Could be a lot shorter, but maybe you wanted to stress the recurrance.

Please, check your spelling and grammar. I've counted at least 10 problems that need to be fixed (and that's including words like don't and won't which should really be apostrophized).

First two lines don't make sense to me (Please explain) and you carry the metaphor for 3 verses and then abandon it for something completely different. Should you lose the last line of S4? -Yes and also all of S4 and S5. Save most of S4 though for another poem. There's some good stuff in it. When every line in the first 3 stanzas are the same metaphor your kinda stuck with it and you got to stay with it. Did you mean "Seppuku"? Some real good lines in it though.