Shuushin
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 8:54 AM
It does convey a sadness, and sympathy; perhaps near empathy. Too many words maybe? I'd like to see a distilation of this.
-7-
Comforting, extremely comforting.
There's some thing about the word perch that gets me all Walleyed. lol.
The way you merge the second and third person is practically genius. Yet, so is the way I pick my nose.
Angst-nog topped with a dash of nice. A great desert poem. Good work!
nice clear thought-line...finally. acquiesced with a 10!
eh?
Fairly decent, though, not your best by far. Dissappointing end.
The 59th second of the 59th minute & my mum likes IT too! acquiesced with a 10!
phhh! or?
that horus comment betters the poeme(?)!! Last stanza is best.
I'd like to take a shit on this, but it would be a waste of my time.
Hint: Focus your attention on intent and the nature of the journey.
Not bad this, the best I have seen of yours. To fit all of your poems into this one eccentric style is a mistake, form should not be arbitrary.
For once the form works here I think, the slowness, and also the short length so it doesn't hurt the eyes too much.
The journey is to their death. Six men set off on a journey, and there were two you did not mention?
Anyway one for you:
An ancient inheritance law says the fortune of a rich man can only go to one person. When Mr McRich died he had two sons. The executor of the will set a task for the two brothers to see who would get the money.
The task, to see whose camel made it into town last. The brothers set of from the outskirts slowly, one raced ahead, pulled backwards. Soon they realised they would never get into town, so they asked a wise man what to do.
What was his answer.
hmmmm.... I can see how six would have completed the journey, but eight? Thinking...
Maybe everyone except the first six mentioned, meaning the four en-route (back) + three swimmers + one on horseback?
The flow is quite nice, Richa - and i think it matches well with the leaf and the kite; blowing and touching.
Horrible,
"He becomes a guest,
While you wrestled the BEST,"
What are you, 11 years old?
It has potential, I'll give it a 7.