Everyone
on Sprouts From the Jar by hatedestruction
22 Jan 2004, 9:58 AM
Absolute tosh.
Some of the rest doesn't quite fit with me, but "...beneath a canescent moon" and "for in death/ we are protean's pulse": of these i like.
Hmm. The thoughts are well-held in the beginning and end, but the phraseology might have been a little more flexible in the middle-part.
Third verse is not needed, we already know. And the rhyme gets a bit manic.
The idea is good though.
Excellent! This reminds me very much of the work of Jeffrey Farnol.
ahh.. at least you are ranking the poetry now, and not the person..
haha, I agree.
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I like the rhyme scheme, it's actually quite cleveer and well worked out. But this self-pity thing is getting out of hand.
I think to call the sands blasphemous you would have to be a canute as he thought he had control of parts of nature.
Canescent moon - candescent, like a candle?
The weight of water is a good idea but lighter than the burden of lost love is a bit too much.
Still, overall an impressive use of language.
'Or the old dear collecting for terminal patients,' is not grammatical in the poem. It needs separating from 'either hustling for connections clause' which is talking about people plural.
Other than that good, is the formaldehyde reference inspired by damien hirst?
"had a head I could break with a bang!" that's great!
Personally I would say from an everything that exists in a place can not be said to be 'not meant to'. Even dead things.
The alliteration is a bit of an annoyance in parts. But that is my only pick.
Good stuff, plentiful
Mneh.
Shouldn't stanza 3 be a continuation of the sentence begun in 1 and 2? But I like this, it's clever and sinister.
I can't relate, but it's a good flow
So close...
Are you serious? 'Spill your dew'... Why be euphemistic? Why? And how inelegant is 'Romance is not what it is I need'? Is that even English? Eh? And I bet this goes straight to No. 1. Who votes for this stuff? ? ??? ? ?
Lovely. Like a ballad of yore. How gratifying to see the lower classes being kept in their rightful place, and in such spiffing rhyme too. Only in merrie Englande. What-ho.