wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
on some deleted poem
3 Mar 2004, 6:20 AM
WTF mo fo?
Rock over London
Rock on Chicago
Shell. It's the world's best selling gasoline.
oohhh I love this o.O its so cool dude..haha..O.o
I hope I'm not being presumptious, but I thought you might like a little help with a re-write.
Swing-set; buttercups survive;
at the edge; of those; dirty scars;
she too; thrived beautifully;
in; the shadow; of obliteration.
There is something; to be said; for borrowed time -
the flower; has no knowledge of; footfalls,
except for perhaps;
the; last one.
In the; years before; first grade;
she already had so many dreams -
an apron-full; by the time she was four.
She would; whisper small; songs to them,
cradling them, yet; skipping â
never considering they might
tumble; out.
And when; they did;
in the; first week of; her fifth year
she never spoke;
of dreams;
again.
What happened; is not important,
so much as it did not; kill her,
nor; really,
did it often make; her; wish it had.
Sheâs learned to live; in the unlikely places,
in the cracks within stone;
where; she has; what she needs.
Just; enough soil; to call home,
a little rain to quench; her thirsts,
sun so; the; shadows may follow -
and; lots; of; time.
Dude im speechless.... I love your work! O.o
Okay yeah this poem sucks because I had nothing to write about and I was bored and couldn't think of anything so I just typed stuff down..hahaha yeah well anyways...... <:3 )~~~L8er~~~~( 3:>
I suggest you capitalise the rhyming words - like this:
The war begins with the SAGES
They want the world to end, stealing peasants souls and making WAGES
They never have any CARE
About the peasants, war or even their family: all they do is stay in their LAIR
They have the key but they do not use IT
It could save the SHIT
They got bored and killed everyone in their PATH
They had no sympathy for all those who got in their way suffored their WRATH
They couldnt see they began the WAR
And made it come to an end; they just took their LORE
And have never been seen AGAIN
Because they are all INSANE and snort COCAINE and COMPLAIN about headaches in the BRAIN caused by a ruptured internal cerebral VEIN
Yo mo fo
RAWKMAGE SUCKS A MALE CAMEL'S SHITTY ASS
Rock over London
Rock on Chicago
Sprint. Be there now.
Hey guys! Crytsal Lane Swift here! I think this poem's like totally awesome and I give it -10-
If you're going to do bad poetry, do it properly. Still, a 7 for trying.
I like this one. I feel it could almost apply to me.
10
Fantastic!
Very nice!
In fact, better than nice. You have shown genius here.
pretty heavy grief
good melencholy
**w'ls
"another wounded traveler beginning / their five hour stay" is very incorrect grammar. See if you can guess how.
What a load of podsols.
The first stanza is fine. Good, even. The second is rubbish, though. I'd drop it.