here's a zero for you.

I just re-read this. Fuck knows why.

Only the last line is good. I would like to see an armless Iraqi child on worldwide TV thanking Bush & Blair for their kind bombs. May God bugger both of them.

what did she call it

horrific - perfectly so

This has a certain negroid rapper verissimilitude to it. Groovy and cool. But loathsome.

I liked the bit about squeezing your buttocks. It shows you that a gay old soldier is always up for a bit after Lights Out in the barracks.

Better than usual. You may be learning from your betters (like me).

Crap.

At first read I thought this was set in a Catholic Church...then a pub..but really it doesn't matter it's the lack of conviction in the character that holds the sting...Nice work.

I like the movement of this poem and there's no arguing with the logic, the idea or the squirming way of attempting to justify to the youth what the hell we are all playing at - but Alex seems to get very smart, his final words are more what an adult making a speech would say - rather than the natural conclusion from a 7th grader...do you know what I mean? I do like the whole thing, it's just something kinda contrived maybe, about the last part...

Let me assure you this is not a collection of random, interesting words. I thought the title provided clarity. I realize punctuation would have provided clarity...but I didn't want to use that much of it...so, there. Maybe this will help? If not, oh well:) Lavishly ginger-sprinkled orchid; Sea-green-blue smolder, Gray tempest, raging- Portal to the soul. Midnight-blue rings embrace Stormy, riptide iris. Bruised rose petals Hue blushed, beseeching. Silent hunger, waiting kiss. Ancient calling echoes silent, Falling...…………… Reverberate on the wind. Knowing precision caresses skin. Flesh-scent intoxicating breezes Awaiting imminent, succulent answer.

i do like the message, some of the similies are quite nice: "top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign". the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat. however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.

mmmm this is deliciously erotic, and tastefully so (pun intended). i really enjoyed the naturalist imagery coupled with the soothing meter and calming message (although that makes a threesome, no?). i wouldn't change a thing, unless you'd like to read it aloud sometime...

i think your punctuation version works better, at least for me it helped clarify many of the lavishly expressive lines. however, i do like the indents on lines 11 & 12, though it may be better to start them on line 9 or 10 where, as Dovina pointed out, you switch from "show" to "tell". i do see this as a self portrait, although i only got eyes and lips. so you fancy yourself an exotic flower, eh? interesting...

i agree with the above comments. i would also hope that you expect to have some cries of passion as well, in which the next to last line would be "Let our cries of passion"

what, done so soon? :)

i can picture a certain droll, intelligent character on a certain TV show speaking this. it also resonates, i think, with many, if not all, people. nicely done.

A fine write--paints an excellent picture of a Scrooge like character.

Very good--first class imagery--I absolutely love "a noontime bored stupid by heat."