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What it Feels Like (Free verse) by laurahenn2010 A touch of your skin on mine
A brush of our lips as they touch
A look into your eyes
A smile completes the rush
A touch on my waist
The close of a moments kiss
To open my eyes and see the only thing that matters
It's how I describe my heavenly bliss
Arms wrapped around me
My head lies on your chest
Hearing the breath escape our lips
This is how it must feel to be perfectly at rest
Up the ladder:
Troubled Mind
Down the ladder:
where once
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Posted: April 18, 2007 7:31 AM PDT; Last modified: April 18, 2007 7:31 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0896473 Overall Rank: 6237 Comments:
You rhymed kiss and bliss. That alone earns you the great award of "cliché." You also refer to bliss as heavenly. This earns the award of "overt cliché." You use absolutely no novel imagery or language or even display the slightest awareness that a poem is a form of artwork.
In other words, this is a bad poem for just about every reason a poem can be bad. -2- for effort
You also had poor enough taste to VOTE ON YOUR OWN POEM ANONYMOUSLY.
Silly little weed.
This is very sexy. I have shot my load.
Ahh... now I know love is all great, transcending every thing around it, despite it's tendency to rouse so many fucking cliches...
But this poem isn't. This could be anyone. I see nothing. You gave me a clouded reflection of the idealized sensations. Ultimately? I feel horridly cheated. Zero.
Thanks guys, I'm 15 years old. Give me a break. And thanks, but I didnt vote on my own poem. that was my friend. So before you go judging, get your info straight
If you're just starting out on the poetic road, this probably doesn't deserve the kicking it's got. It's true that it's full of cliche and vague sensation, but you have to start somewhere. Find a poet you enjoy reading and try to work out what tricks they use. Imagery, metaphor, meter etc. etc. etc. are all things to practise as you go - especially look for strong images and novel way of describing them. Rhyming dictionaries are also good resources; the best rhymer on here (zodiac) always claimed to use them.
Keep at it, listen to the criticism and ignore the insults. You'll be fine.
awe thank you!! I am tryng, and I just use it as an opening for what I'm feeling, I'll have to submit a couple others, but those are all rather....gruesome in ways. Thanks you for giving me POSITIVE feedback. I appreciate it.
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An awkward fumbling at my bra,
A great bulging stiffy in your jeans,
Subsides in a damp, cloying puddle,
I must attend myself, by artificial means.