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"oh" (Haiku) by fevriere
Under her breathswell, a half-gram of saltwater, a syllable's ache.

Up the ladder: scene

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Weighted score: 5.1986713
Overall Rank: 4581
Posted: December 21, 2004 8:34 AM PST; Last modified: December 21, 2004 8:34 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 | 21-Dec-04/10:34 AM | Reply
It fits the meter, but what does it mean?
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 > Dovina | 23-Dec-04/8:27 AM | Reply
Mean? Dunno. I was trying to describe the sound of someone saying "oh". Do you dislike it?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.153.196.50 > fevriere | 23-Dec-04/10:42 AM | Reply
I don't not dislike it.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > fevriere | 23-Dec-04/11:21 AM | Reply
You must forgive DA, he's a Boolean Creation who doesn't like your poem because it's illogical.
On second look, I think she gulped some seawater and said, "Oh." But if that's all there is, then I think it's too complicated for its message.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.233.69 > Dovina | 23-Dec-04/11:24 AM | Reply
a dim reason for disliking a poem if ever I heard one.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > richa | 23-Dec-04/11:45 AM | Reply
If it's a simple thing, like a duck eating bread, why complicate it?
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.233.69 > Dovina | 23-Dec-04/2:51 PM | Reply
No, not liking a poem because it is illogical is clearly dim, as you said.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > richa | 23-Dec-04/5:08 PM | Reply

Wow, that's almost as Boolean as DA's comment, and a twist of what I said. Illigical poems can be either dim or bright, as can logical poems.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 > Dovina | 26-Dec-04/4:15 AM | Reply
The last of you to get run off of poemranker was run off for amock Booleanism. If I were you, I'd stop using some word I heard somewhere and thought it was cool (and who doesn't think 'Boolean' sounds cool?) until I figured out what it's all about. And it seems pretty unlikely you'll be able to manage that any time before the 28th century. Anyway, you've been warned.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 > Dovina | 25-Dec-04/10:12 AM | Reply
I guess you didn't read the half-gram as a tear. Bother.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > fevriere | 25-Dec-04/10:20 AM | Reply
Half-gram, yeah, that's about tear-sized. Too little to choke a person. Still, how is a tear under her breathswell?
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 > Dovina | 26-Dec-04/7:26 AM | Reply
I'm not sure. "under" seemed to be a word of hiding the actual physical expression of emotion, the tear itself.. The tear appears to be represented by the round letter of 'o'.
This is very helpful to me, going through the poem at word level. I am usually too lazy to give a poem integrity but I will never write well until I consider what words I mean to use in every every instance and why. So thankyou. :)
[10] deleted user @ 195.157.153.249 | 21-Dec-04/11:19 AM | Reply
GREAT
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 > deleted user | 23-Dec-04/8:28 AM | Reply
Thank you. :)
[10] Yikes @ 205.188.116.67 | 23-Dec-04/10:01 AM | Reply
Ahh so appeasing. Bravo! The true art of a "Haiku-ist"
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.233.69 | 23-Dec-04/11:28 AM | Reply
Fine idea for a poem. Not sure the relevance of the sea allusions. 'A syllable aches' would probably be better.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 > richa | 25-Dec-04/10:17 AM | Reply
Actually, I really like that. "A syllable aches". I'm not sure about how the sea got in there. Bit subconscious. Maybe aligning the sea with femininity, girls' emotions?.. Not the foggiest. (Was that a sea allusion, slightly?)
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