replying on Stella 130 by BenRice
13 Mar 2006, 5:21 PM
Yay, someone recognized it for what it is, just a fun little take on 130. You're right about the more original language. I need to sit with this one a lot longer to make it into something that isn't so trite. The execution of the iambic pentameter., or lack thereof, irks me. And the apostrophe... well, that was just stupidity.
Btw, thanks. I didn't know I had been missed. :)
Btw, thanks. I didn't know I had been missed. :)
on A Short Letter by Ranger
9 Mar 2006, 1:13 PM
I tripped over some extra syllables on some lines. Felt a bit awkward for a limerick.
At first I thought, "Byron or Chaucer"? Why not choose authors who used the limerick? But then, the speaker isn't wishing he were a limerick writer - he's wishing he were more eloquent than the simple limerick.
At first I thought, "Byron or Chaucer"? Why not choose authors who used the limerick? But then, the speaker isn't wishing he were a limerick writer - he's wishing he were more eloquent than the simple limerick.
on Spring Rolls by Ranger
9 Mar 2006, 1:00 PM
Clever.
The word "pastry" ... just doesn't strike me as the right word, but I can't come up with something better, so maybe it is. "biting" cold... hmm not quite right with me either, but maybe that is just spring in Colorado.
The spring roll metaphor works to evoke the variety of weather, color and life of spring.
The word "pastry" ... just doesn't strike me as the right word, but I can't come up with something better, so maybe it is. "biting" cold... hmm not quite right with me either, but maybe that is just spring in Colorado.
The spring roll metaphor works to evoke the variety of weather, color and life of spring.
on the comet by pollywolly
9 Mar 2006, 12:52 PM
I liked the first stanza and not the second. The bit of repetition in the first worked for me as did the rhyming of eye and sky. The second verse seems a bit lazy to me compared to the imagery of the first.
Usually a haiku has a sort of pause or break after either the first or second line. This one doesn't, but in this case I think it works because of the continual movement of the waves. I'm not a fan of the last line though. The word "Salty" works against it (I don't think salty water as life-giving). It sounds a bit trite too, "to all"? really? With the right change in that last line, this could be a very good haiku, imho.
replying on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 9:44 AM
'To your long strides' = the father. The second person.
'I see this maverick above me now...
This time pleading with me to stay with him.' = the crow. The third person.
Maybe it's this 'The two of us alone...' that confuses the issue. Where is the father? Dead? Wasn't thinking that when I wrote it.
'I see this maverick above me now...
This time pleading with me to stay with him.' = the crow. The third person.
Maybe it's this 'The two of us alone...' that confuses the issue. Where is the father? Dead? Wasn't thinking that when I wrote it.
replying on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 8:34 AM
son to father though I suppose it could be read as grandson to grandfather
This was more something to amuse my wife. We had been looking at Shakespeare's sonnets to be read at our wedding. I thought I'd amuse her one day with my take on Sonnet 130. Some of it is hardly "poetic", but then, neither is my dog. So, you're right, it's something that could be more than an amusement if I spent some time on it. But really, any promise it shows is probably because I ripped it off from Bill. (Yes I just called him Bill. Is that super-pretentious?)