Re: saving myself for marriage by Venus	30-Aug-02/10:24 PM
uh... hmm... right.
Re: Black Heart by brazen	1-Sep-02/8:23 PM
The difference between a poet, and some jackass with a pen is that to a poet, poetry is an art. The poet works at his/her words, trying to find the perfect combination to create the impression of spontenaiety, to create the perfect image. You don't believe in revision? Obviously, you are just some jackass with a pen. This poem is trite and boring.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Sep-02/8:36 PM
I really like the first stanza here. It is intense, beautiful. The second stanza, however, does not seem to connect to the first as smoothly as I would like. Aesthetically, it is wonderful.
Re: My Torcher Chamber by angel born in hell	2-Sep-02/10:32 PM
One who spells as badly as you should not even be permitted to attempt to write poetry. This is one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever read. How old are you? 12? This is a shining example of emotional immaturity. Grow up. Cheer up. Can the angst. Lose that bad dye job. Buy clothes that are some colour other than black. Smell a flower. Pet a kitten. For crying out loud...
Re: God's Rod (toilet drink poem) by horus8	2-Sep-02/10:35 PM
Hee. Melikes.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Sep-02/10:45 PM
The part of your comment that made me laugh was this, actually: "the writing is well done." That part, I find hard to believe. That piece is an unfinished string of images that I spent about a year on, then graduated and never touched again. The melodrama is there simply because I only worked on it when I was feeling massively frustrated.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/10:16 AM
... and what exactly did you want me around for? I find that there are a few weak spots in this piece. While I adore the final stanza and "Dark corps. Union of black. Displacing the lesser fowl," the rest of it needs work. I find that the metaphor in the first 5 lines is not very well constructed. What is their ideology? It seems there that you have taken something as obvious that is not necessarily so. How does the second stanza tie into your metaphor? It seems more a rant on society than a piece of art that helps us to see our flaws. I can see what you're trying to say there, but I think that it could be better expressed.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/10:25 AM
I like the first one. It cracks my shit up. I've encountered many drivers like that before and have gone on similar rants. The second one, however, is one walking talkign cliche. I have seen so many really bad teenaged movies where the dork gets a date to the prom and sobs because her dress is ugly or she doesn't get the captain of the football team and is stuck with the president of the AV club that are just like this poem. Write a haiku about an aspect of American society that you are in touch with.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/10:43 AM
YOu are actually making me want to think about maybe reworking some of this old material that I got bored of years ago. Still, your use of well done, if it was a "metaphor" as you say in your last message, was very weak. I suggest that you develop that more.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/11:18 AM
Too many NOUNS! NOUNS! It's like a LIST! Of THINGS. Not of descriptors!
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/11:21 AM
Considering my youth, I am still in my prime. I know that I have lots to learn and it thrills me to my fingertips. Bad teen movies are like candy: an indulgence. Fun for all ages.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/11:32 AM
Well yes, but there aren't quite so many of those as nouns, I don't think. It suddenly hit me that I was commenting, but I hadn't read the poem in a few years. What do you think of the last stanza... "We are cannon fodder &c?"
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Sep-02/11:35 AM
Well, I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you. As for Godswife... this is her forum, afterall, I really like her stuff. But that is why I feel inspired to comment... because there actually is something of merit there.
Re: Paysage Moralise by vulcan	29-Sep-02/10:16 AM
You mean French?
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Oct-02/8:28 PM
I like this. The idea is strong. The first and the last lines are good but I'm not sure about the second. Mind you, I doubt I could find a better way to say it. I don't know where people are getting deceit in this though. It's more like a challenge.
Re: Work by poetandknowit	4-Oct-02/8:36 PM
I keep getting stuck on the "and, and, and." Is this deliberate? The rhythm is very forced. Still, I love it after "Against her the hollow resonation..." It seems to find the flow here that it was lacking in the first part. The cadence of it all brings to my mind the image of a train roaring through the night, rattling on its tracks ("hollow resonation", "rhythmic dance", "swayed easy", "skipping", and, of course, "the last whistle." Those last two lines are beautiful, pure art. I could give you a 20 for them.
Re: Instructions to a Sculptor by Christof	4-Oct-02/8:42 PM
Fabulous extended metaphor. This one made me stop and think. I can't find a weak spot in it. The rhythm is good and the slant rhyme (chisel/skull) contrasting with the true rhyme (four/score) mirrors the poem itself: made perfect with the addition of the flaw. (I know this is really convoluted, but this is what my mind made up)
Re: Truths by Nicholas Jones	4-Oct-02/8:46 PM
The essence of the poem is good, but the expression could use some work.
Re: Eight by amateurR	4-Oct-02/9:03 PM
I read this one, hated it, read it again and had to raise my score. The imagery is good. It's eery. The last line seems anticlimactic, though. If you built up to it the way you built the rest of the poem from the sam at the beginning, it may gain that punch that is missing. I think the characterisation is fine; anything more would almost be too intimate. It is, indeed, very cold.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Oct-02/9:06 PM
You have such a gift for rhythm. This is a very intense piece.