on The Ballad of Andy Thomas (A True Story) by Rakesh Rajani
12 Feb 2007, 12:14 PM
ace rhyming of pitch and six.
Good lord, step away from your gramma's soft core porn. " . . . held huskily in fluted flesh . . ." LOL! How does one hold something "huskily"? (Being a "weaker vessel," I guess mah sens-a-bilities are jes' a little tendah.)
I feel a little dirty, as if I should have changed my pantaloons after watchin' the big, strong stableboy shovel out the stall ('cause surely some shit was being slung). The focus on the hand is pretty good, but the rest borders on pre-sexual-emancipation bad-romance-novel cliche.
I feel a little dirty, as if I should have changed my pantaloons after watchin' the big, strong stableboy shovel out the stall ('cause surely some shit was being slung). The focus on the hand is pretty good, but the rest borders on pre-sexual-emancipation bad-romance-novel cliche.
replying on Alternatives by Dovina
31 Jan 2007, 8:16 AM
Your lack of knowledge of the "Islamist mindset" doesn't stop you from spouting all sorts of generalizations. FWIW, Iraq was not a particularly fundie country.
replying on Alternatives by Dovina
31 Jan 2007, 8:12 AM
Now, now--you're extrapolating an awful lot from what I actually said. Who are the "them" I'm not supporting--your imaginary, self-sacrificing, magical technologists? I said YOU failed, which I meant in the Poemranker comment context of "failed" (an amusing, site-specific device, much like "bow'ls"). (Yes, certainly, Rumsfeld--and his vision of technological sugarplums--failed, which is not to suggest that I'm "anti-technology" in some blanket way.) And no one said anything about bonkers. I do think you're bonkers (and a little too fond of the Southern Comfort), but that belief far predated this exchange--and, for what it's worth, I think we're all pretty much loony here, so you're in good company. I'm not sure if the pastel blue poetry site is cause of or magnet for lunacy (perhaps both), but here we are. However, I don't think any alternatives we might offer in limping rhythms and flat end rhymes are going to "solve" Iraq. If it were just a matter of building a better mousetrap, our feckless leaders would come up with a better plan than throwing a few more troops into the mix (who won't even have the benefit of the necessary armor and Humvees according to news reports). It's very easy to talk about "sacrifices" when they're always someone else's sacrifices, innit?
I applaud your efforts here though! Well done! Very proactive!
I applaud your efforts here though! Well done! Very proactive!
replying on Alternatives by Dovina
30 Jan 2007, 7:42 AM
LOL--you are far too young to be so cynical, Ranger. Please, earn it like the rest of us. ;)
on Menopause by Stephen Robins
30 Jan 2007, 7:41 AM
Pleas.
ap[p]les, alps
flop, slap.
eap.
ap[p]les, alps
flop, slap.
eap.
replying on Alternatives by Dovina
30 Jan 2007, 7:20 AM
"Operation Enduring Freedom"--how pleased David Frum would be that you used the proper name. I think it was he who coined the term before going off to save duckies and bunnies. I always suspected there was a bit of irony in the moniker, but, hey, I'm just a little cynical.
What's winning? Is being mired there for the next god-knows-how-many decades fighting in an internal civil war "winning"? Are the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds, in their various flavors, and anyone else with a yen for a share of wealth and power and some ancient festering grudge to avenge, going to start getting along if we drop enough bombs and fire enough rounds? Honestly, that's been one of the biggest fuck-ups of this entire war--we went in with no idea how to get out. The entire premise was bullshit, the "expert" predictions were bullshit, and the end result--where we are now--predictable and ignored. So is "winning" just "staying the course" and praying that--well, what? And I think you oversimplify how many people view the war. (Or maybe you don't.) I don't think Bush is "evil"--I think he's out of his league and ill-advised and pigheaded and determined to save his legacy at all costs. Like Dovina (apparently), he believes that the cost in blood and treasure is worth it to save him/us from "embarassment." All other things aside, there is no political or popular WILL to stay as long as we would need to stay--to spend the thousands of lives and trillions of dollars--to see any real improvement or real, measurable progress. Thus the opposition to benchmarks. Sending 20,000 additional troops is bunk. And no one else is going to step in with offers of aid at this point, because they know a losing proposition, in every sense, when they see it. There is no cavalry.
"Operation Enduring Freedom wins," you say, "or everyone loses." But I always come back to the same question--if this is, as claimed, simply a front in the global war on "terra," how, exactly, does ensuring that another several generations of Muslims hate us help us in the end?
As for "solutions," I have no fucking idea. I think we owe it to the Iraqis to help them get to some point of stability, quite honestly, but I don't know if that's even possible and I'm quite certain that neither the US nor the UK are going to commit to keeping troops there much longer (when Bush goes, so does our army, at the latest)--so where does that leave us?
What's winning? Is being mired there for the next god-knows-how-many decades fighting in an internal civil war "winning"? Are the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds, in their various flavors, and anyone else with a yen for a share of wealth and power and some ancient festering grudge to avenge, going to start getting along if we drop enough bombs and fire enough rounds? Honestly, that's been one of the biggest fuck-ups of this entire war--we went in with no idea how to get out. The entire premise was bullshit, the "expert" predictions were bullshit, and the end result--where we are now--predictable and ignored. So is "winning" just "staying the course" and praying that--well, what? And I think you oversimplify how many people view the war. (Or maybe you don't.) I don't think Bush is "evil"--I think he's out of his league and ill-advised and pigheaded and determined to save his legacy at all costs. Like Dovina (apparently), he believes that the cost in blood and treasure is worth it to save him/us from "embarassment." All other things aside, there is no political or popular WILL to stay as long as we would need to stay--to spend the thousands of lives and trillions of dollars--to see any real improvement or real, measurable progress. Thus the opposition to benchmarks. Sending 20,000 additional troops is bunk. And no one else is going to step in with offers of aid at this point, because they know a losing proposition, in every sense, when they see it. There is no cavalry.
"Operation Enduring Freedom wins," you say, "or everyone loses." But I always come back to the same question--if this is, as claimed, simply a front in the global war on "terra," how, exactly, does ensuring that another several generations of Muslims hate us help us in the end?
As for "solutions," I have no fucking idea. I think we owe it to the Iraqis to help them get to some point of stability, quite honestly, but I don't know if that's even possible and I'm quite certain that neither the US nor the UK are going to commit to keeping troops there much longer (when Bush goes, so does our army, at the latest)--so where does that leave us?
replying on Alternatives by Dovina
30 Jan 2007, 7:15 AM
Who knew we had so many military minds here at the 'ranker? Better technology, you say--but that was Rumsfeld's vision from the start. He was going to transform the military--make it faster, stronger, more mobile by harnessing the power of cutting-edge technology to win the war "in weeks," remember? It was going to be a "cakewalk" by dint of our technological/scientific superiority. Your "solution" was smashed to pieces long, long ago. So you not only fail, you fail retroactively.
on The Passing by Stephen Robins
25 Jan 2007, 7:24 AM
Ace. "Ethnic splatter" . . . just ace.
on Body Worlds by Dental Panic
22 Jan 2007, 2:31 PM
Love it. Great easy, loping rhymes throughout. Creepy as hell, unusual, intriguing, topical, personal. Really great.
I saw the Bodies exhibit in New York, and THAT creeped me out. This outcreeps that, even.
I saw the Bodies exhibit in New York, and THAT creeped me out. This outcreeps that, even.
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
19 Jan 2007, 1:09 PM
Oh dear. Well, at least the twang seems to have subsided.
Drapes in a crate; it sounds, well, NESTlike.
Hope you enjoy your time in NYC.
Drapes in a crate; it sounds, well, NESTlike.
Hope you enjoy your time in NYC.
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
19 Jan 2007, 1:06 PM
How funny--what a teeny, tiny world. -=D_A==,PI so short a distance away--it makes me positively dizzy.
As always, your logic is impeccable. ;)
As always, your logic is impeccable. ;)
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
19 Jan 2007, 11:57 AM
Hmmm . . . that's a long way to go, from the Manor, for chicken vindaloo; must have involved quite the complex system of hoists and harnesses to get you there. And you seem to have developed a slight American twang . . . must be my imagination. ;)
I used to go to a place on the Upper West Side called Indus or Indus Valley, or something like that, that was around 98th or 99th and B'way--was very good and relatively inexpensive. No monkey egg specials though.
I used to go to a place on the Upper West Side called Indus or Indus Valley, or something like that, that was around 98th or 99th and B'way--was very good and relatively inexpensive. No monkey egg specials though.
replying on Give it up Max by Stephen Robins
19 Jan 2007, 8:23 AM
Hee--nice. s/b "you're." (Sorry, can't help it.)
Oh, the things one learns because of the 'ranker. From Wikipedia: "Gower was an elegant left hand batsmen and has a reputation for being aloof, perhaps because of his privately educated background and upper-class accent and manner . . . Its [sic] also worth mentioning that David Gower has been immortalised in cockney rhyming slang as the term "shower" - e.g. 'I'm feeling a bit rank, i'm off for a david, where I'll strip me willow'." (Okay, I added that last bit about the willow.)
Oh, the things one learns because of the 'ranker. From Wikipedia: "Gower was an elegant left hand batsmen and has a reputation for being aloof, perhaps because of his privately educated background and upper-class accent and manner . . . Its [sic] also worth mentioning that David Gower has been immortalised in cockney rhyming slang as the term "shower" - e.g. 'I'm feeling a bit rank, i'm off for a david, where I'll strip me willow'." (Okay, I added that last bit about the willow.)
on If she thinks if she believes by Prince of Void
18 Jan 2007, 10:20 AM
I think you're too focused on Writing a Poeme instead of just honestly and simply writing. That's how pimple poems erupt. Cut it down. Give details. Name names. Point fingers--artfully. Even just simplifying this would give it more impact:
If she thinks
My love is based on lies
She'll leave.
My dreams will melt away.
Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!
If she thinks
My love is based on lies
She'll leave.
My dreams will melt away.
Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!
on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
18 Jan 2007, 10:07 AM
I've read this a few times. I like the story telling aspect of it, but at points it gets wordy and the story itself is a little thin as told. In order for a straight narrative poem to work, I think the story needs to be stronger--a ballad form would suit this (okay, maybe it just made me think of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfood, for obvious reasons, but I think that's a good illustration of why that song/story works--the ballad form, the interesting language, the ship's backstory, etc.).
I think part of the problem may be that there's no one to connect with--if you read, for example, Zodiac's poem about Cook dying, it's the people in the poem that really make it work; we identify with the dying Captain, the native girl. This lacks any such personalization/identification. Even something like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" connects us with the ship by making it something living--maybe it's the focus on the rats that doesn't work for me here. The prologue seems unnecessary, tacked on; doesn't advance anything, IMO, and isn't really ever followed up in any way. In general, too, this gets a little too anthropormorphic for me (the glad rats, the amiably sailing ship).
I think the story telling is pretty good, though could use some paring. And I like the last line--the "fatted rats" suggesting, intentionally or not, fatted calves (a sacrifice) and "gasping in the open sea" is a good line and image.
I think part of the problem may be that there's no one to connect with--if you read, for example, Zodiac's poem about Cook dying, it's the people in the poem that really make it work; we identify with the dying Captain, the native girl. This lacks any such personalization/identification. Even something like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" connects us with the ship by making it something living--maybe it's the focus on the rats that doesn't work for me here. The prologue seems unnecessary, tacked on; doesn't advance anything, IMO, and isn't really ever followed up in any way. In general, too, this gets a little too anthropormorphic for me (the glad rats, the amiably sailing ship).
I think the story telling is pretty good, though could use some paring. And I like the last line--the "fatted rats" suggesting, intentionally or not, fatted calves (a sacrifice) and "gasping in the open sea" is a good line and image.
replying on Stripping the willow by ecargo
18 Jan 2007, 9:49 AM
Just what I need--thanks! Wow--11 articles in a 12-line poem is a bit much. Funny what we overlook. Like "along the long"--yikes indeed. Sex on a blue screen? Um, well, maybe. ;-D
Thanks Ranger.
Thanks Ranger.