regarding some deleted poem...	22-Mar-05/11:38 AM
I find some broken/out of time rhythm inherent in the lines which I appreciate being able to ride as I read; however, the picture of the actual events as they really appear is fuzzy. Am I to interpret this as a story about you receiving flowers from a long lost sister ("when she abandoned us both") who found you through associated surnames and things of the like but mistook you for her lost father? or... am I to read this as some random women shooting for the bullseye and completely missing her mark but for finding you in a similar situation; in which case you're empathizing with the stranger in the last line... i understand the emotions and can relate on some level, yet, i cannot get a clear picture of what is really going on without some clarification... on the bright side, you have a great start, a good foundation of ebb and flow with which you could go back and elaborate if you wish to do so. Good luck and thanx for the post! Peace, Sean
Re: A good little poem by INTRANSIT	22-Mar-05/11:46 AM
I'm not sure what it is; unfortunately, the delusional worldly web in my mind simply doesn't like it. I like pickles so you got one point for that. And, I like rye bread, so you got another for that. But, all I see here is you telling me that when you think of bread and infomercials, you also think of pessimism and things that didn't work so that you may appreciate the fresh pickle in your mouth. If you wanted me to picture some random guy eating a pickle on rye, then good job. Peace, Sean
Re: Reasonably Good by Dovina	22-Mar-05/11:53 AM
Love the rhythm...like the word choice...and I may be misreading the message... am I to conclude (my first assumption) that you, like the symbollic God, KNOW the difference between good and bad/evil? If this is the case then your ideology is diametrically opposed to my whole entire worldview and I can't stand the message... however, it could, by some stretch of logic, be concluded that you have no clue what you're talking about and only the symbollic God could ever truly judge these things; in which case, i applaud your philosophy and the poem as a whole...for now you get your magnificent 7 to go with your magnificent ego. Good work overall as a poem...maybe add a dash of love to spice it up or something... Peace, Sean
Re: stab in the dark by not_a_philosopher	22-Mar-05/12:13 PM
I have at times considered myself atheist, at times catholic, at times a strongly NON catholic christian, and now I call myself agnostic out of submission to reason and logic...now onto your poem and some minor psychoanalysis: you're a narcissistic, self centered, drug addict; let me explain...the most frequently used word in your poem is (no surprise) "I" you used the word "I" six times in eleven lines which means that over fifty percent of your propositions were from YOUR perspective...not that we can ever truly get out of our own perspective...but, you make it glaringly apparent that the focus of this communication is YOU. you also use the word "my" twice bringing your total references to SELF up to eight out of a total of 60 words meaning that at least 12% of the symbols that leave your lips mean "you." that should cover the narcissistic self centered part of my analysis. now, you're a drug addict...religion truly is the opiate for the masses...it allows us, in our mind, to take our self out of the center of our universe and replace that center, usually, with a god who is now the one responsible for EVERYTHING from creation on...god loves us when all the world hates us...god explains when we can't...god gives us an image of perfection to strive for and forgives us when we don't hit the mark...blah blah blah...god gives us happiness... B.S. you are responsible for your choices you are responsible for the effect your behavior and words have upon others (for example, some atheist getting slightly upset because some christian claims that happiness cannot be found outside of god) happiness, i have found, is more about tolerance, acceptance, and forgiveness of others and their flaws....more about accepting the fact that bad things happen....about accepting the fact that YOU WILL DIE and making the most out of every moment you have with every emotion you create from your delusional little worldview (btw...all of our worldviews, especially mine, are delusional). But, in the end, whatever makes you happy; if you need to damn people like me to some symbollic hell in the back of your psyche, go nutz if that makes you happy, just don't ever try to take your self-righteous judgment public; i'd hate to see the people lieing bloody on the pavement just because some psycho christian believed they could tell the difference between true good and true evil. Peace, Sean
Re: THE BEST POEM EVER!!!!!! by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	22-Mar-05/12:25 PM
LOL...as i see below...somewhere....under my nose...2 tens scored upon the board and a group of pedophiles in tow!!! This is hilarious...I love you... Peace, Sean P.S. Due to my interest in beautiful women and receiving head, you get a ten!
Re: Tribulations of the ear and eye by oneglove	22-Mar-05/12:53 PM
Good...very good overall... nice approach; i like how you maintained mystery in meaning until the last few lines. i love the perspective, very creative, unique...and, i love the message. Here's why you got an 8 instead of a 10...you, are obviously a poet, and a decent one at that; yet, at least in this piece, your eyes and ears are not poets - the propositions within the quotes are the bulk of the foundation, yet, the things that break your rhythm as we read it...my only suggestion, if you were looking for any, would be to play with the things you have the eyes and ears saying to see if you can smooth them in with the rest of the vervish beat. peace, sean
Re: Poems for devolution by richa	22-Mar-05/3:33 PM
You got the lucky 7 from me for creativity in word choice; I noticed when reading the comments that you wished to convey the idea of the narrator being involved in petty conflict - well done... your message is nearly crystal clear, and would be if it was known (from the poem) that you are British, otherwise it just seems like the narrator is some average joe who has beef with scotland for, of all reasons, climate and topography. good work peace, sean
Re: The conflict begin by luzrheroguy	23-Mar-05/11:35 AM
I like the visual it provides; for me, the picture of a mario type figure saving himself at the last minute by finding the hotel is part amusing, part relieving, part non-sensical, yet, it makes a point with the end. I was given a decent piece of advice by a fellow writer a while back that improved my writing greatly. He said, "Take a week, write nothing of the words, "and, the, are, we, I, me..."" It may be difficult to do with this particular piece, but, the attempt to remove simple pronouns and connectors forces us as writers to seek out more creative ways to communicate ownership and action. I like the poem, there is a great ebb and flow which seems to be trying to leap out of the confines of all those rhythm breaking connectors and pronouns; great job overall though; keep it up. peace, sean
Re: Cold Turkey by johnnyfontaine23	23-Mar-05/11:41 AM
I love it...there's an irony about the title (i would guess this was intentional, and, if so, witty)... great choice of adjectives....simple poem about a simple pleasure in life and very poetic in description...i personally really like the choice of "injected" to symbolize the act of eating, as though it's not really your choice (and it's not!) to eat, it must be injected into you as a prerequisite to survival...your bread is stale even---but you're grateful for the meal you're eating... again...i love it...9...and a 9 only cuz i rarely give out tens (what is perfection anyway?) great poem - keep it up peace, sean
Re: The Game of Categories by jessicazee	23-Mar-05/11:45 AM
LOL...i like it...it's amusing...the rhythm is there...broken at times...especially by the numbered section (it just doesn't flow well)...it's real...very real...in fact...i've played that game...i think; i forget, i was probably drunk. it made me laugh, and that's worth at least a 7 peace, sean
Re: Narnia Apocalypse by Caducus	23-Mar-05/11:58 AM
I like the idea, i can relate to the feelings and emotive qualities of many of the lines...the first 2 stanzas, i think, could use a little tidying up to help the flow...although it's not a big obstruction to flow or comprehension, you might consider revising the first stanza so that the past and present tense are either seperated or made to work together... i like the adjectives in the 3rd and 4th stanzas quite a bet, and especially like the metaphor of the 4th...the 1st and 2nd, again, could use a little more spice in description...(the hair on pillow thing is pretty cliche, I read two poems yesterday with the same exact idea in almost the same exact words) Good piece, i hope it doesn't hurt anymore if you are the I referred to! peace, sean
Re: Vestigial Tail by zodiac	23-Mar-05/12:19 PM
Man you've got me in a pickle...aside from being slightly irritating upon first impression, you have talent as a poet; like all things, it needs work...i can't nitpick word choice as far as adjectives are concerned, unique, creative; the only adjective i'm "iffy" on is "cream," because it can be taken so many ways, based on the rest of the piece; i'm sure you can find something that fits better. the only other thing i would suggest taking a look at are the associations you're attempting to connect, primarily because they're not connected well at all in the piece... i believe i see where you're headed with this and you can turn this into a true ten once you treat the mild case of schizophrenia this piece has; tighten up the associations with your powerful descriptive word choice and it would get a 9 from even me. peace, sean
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Mar-05/12:31 PM
I like it overall...can't really give much feedback besides my most popular piece of advice in poetry lately; try to ixnay some of the "and," "a" "or" "its" and "i's"... the rhythm could be more crisp and clear if those pronouns and connectors were used with a little more care... great work, i like it, tells it like it is.. peace, sean
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Mar-05/12:34 PM
Grand poeme...i love it the way it is...though, i warn, it has potential to be somewhat ambiguous in meaning... otherwise, very creative, witty...superb peace, sean