| Re: a comment on Flow by zodiac |
zodiac 209.193.9.107 |
12-Jan-06/4:18 PM |
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That's a nice theory, and I'd love to claim it. But my line-ends are almost always for bad rhyme or bad rhythm (ie, -room/come, good/hard/flood, be/-ory). What words I decide to rhyme or make fall at that point in the rhythm does have something to do with what you're talking about. And richa, too. I've never put it in so many words, but I feel it.
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| Re: a comment on Flow by zodiac |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/3:02 PM |
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Yeah I said that wrong, totally wrong. I think what I meant was that he uses visual layout to effect the sound as opposed to letting the reader find their own pauses. I see how it seems necessary in this poem. Basically I'm saying he tends to use a rigid structure in his own way. He kinda writes in a subtle William Shatner/Christopher Walkin type speach. This is something I really like about his poems though.
Anyway I should think about what I'm trying to say before I say it. I'm sure later I'll feel stupid about something I said in this comment too. Somedays I just don't express myself very well.
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| Re: The Hermit on the Thoroughfare by http://mulberryfairy |
ecargo 167.219.0.143 |
12-Jan-06/2:47 PM |
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Some good details (I like the cubed trinity) but a lot to process. Not sure I get the connection btwn food and birth (elimination?). I think you could drop the first two lines and do a little paring elsewhere.
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| Re: Tulip by richa |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/2:34 PM |
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Nice. Was there a specific purpose for using such feminine text? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't come across gay or anything. It just seems like you had a reason for using such tender language and I'm not sure what it is.
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| Re: cat by Dental Panic |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/2:26 PM |
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I agree with biteme. The second and third verses do not follow on from the principle set out in the first verse very precisely. The first verse is good though. The line breaks are a bit random.
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| Re: a comment on Flow by zodiac |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/2:16 PM |
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There is no point posting an attractive looking poem on here anyway because the font is unbelievably ugly.
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| Re: a comment on Flow by zodiac |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/2:16 PM |
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No they are phonic listen. Come (open vowel) line break (hold) unmoored (low sound). Flood (pause) then flood of words, flux sinkage, some nadir.
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| Re: Flow by zodiac |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/2:12 PM |
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I've noticed your line breaks tend to be more for visual purposes than for phonic purposes.
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| Re: Flow by zodiac |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/2:10 PM |
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Cool. Is memory entirely necessary. There is another poem that is quite famous that ends on an abrupt fat portentious: Memory. It goes something like watching the ink from my pen on paper, ah memory. Alright I've forgotten where I heard it but it does.
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| Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/2:03 PM |
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This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.
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| Re: a comment on cat by Dental Panic |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/1:58 PM |
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Hawking bases his disbelief in the classical idea of God on "The wave function theory" which states the origin of the universe came into being by chance(allowing that chance is an eternal condition) and so no creator needed to be present.
But there's always a chance he's wrong.
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| Re: a comment on Tulip by richa |
zodiac 209.193.9.107 |
12-Jan-06/1:52 PM |
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I had to read it twice, but I got it. I don't know about punctuation. A comma after line1 might please everyone.
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| Re: a comment on The nymph steals the farm-son by <~> |
<~> 167.206.181.179 |
12-Jan-06/1:51 PM |
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| Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~> |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/1:49 PM |
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This is a terrible liberty. :(
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| Re: a comment on Tulip by richa |
richa 81.178.226.106 |
12-Jan-06/1:46 PM |
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a fish. What did you think it was.
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| Re: a comment on cat by Dental Panic |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/12:47 PM |
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This is even more ironic:
Jane Hawking is a Christian. She made the statement in 1986, "Without my faith in God, I wouldn't have been able to live in this situation;" namely, the deteriorating health of her husband. "I would not have been able to marry Stephen in the first place because I wouldn't have had the optimism to carry me through and I wouldn't have been able to carry on with it."
-From Stephen Hawking, The Big Bang, and God by Henry F. Schaefer III.
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| Re: a comment on cat by Dental Panic |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
12-Jan-06/12:33 PM |
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| Re: a comment on cat by Dental Panic |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
12-Jan-06/9:37 AM |
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Hawling said that if someone could find a "theory of everything" which unites the currently divergent theories that describe various parts of the universe, then we would know the mind of God. I think he's right.
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| Re: Intestinal Splash by cyan9 |
Caducus 172.213.134.2 |
12-Jan-06/9:23 AM |
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Good but stanza 4 for me makes it tiresome, too biological, out of synch.
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| Re: Flow by zodiac |
Caducus 172.213.134.2 |
12-Jan-06/9:22 AM |
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Three different images of flow and damn good ones to boot.
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