Re: Leaving the Woods House by zodiac	Bethy 24.222.32.218	24-Aug-05/4:53 AM
dang..I feel like moving...hehehehaha!!!:)Bethy
Re: With You at an Ancient Temple by Sasha	zodiac 213.186.179.244	24-Aug-05/4:58 AM
Hey, you pulled off the slang! Great! But... some archaicky and/or highfalutin talk: "graced", "lent", "rival ivies", "unchanging", "pallid jealousy", "masked behind bold gossip", "blessed blasphemy" (minus extra for the unnecessary diacritic.) It's not that I have a problem with highfalutin as such. Lord knows I highfalute as much as anyone. But it's just so... STYLIZED, you know? I mean, what does it mean for a thing to grace you with something? Or who thinks statues are really unchanging anymore? Nothing and nobody, except in the kinda-removed language of old poesie. I doubt even Pope ever felt really GRACED by something in his long damp life. It's just what you say something does when you need to make it do something in a poem. Or it's like trying to write folksy/bluegrass music (which I do a lot). At some point you're not originating, you're just writing what bluegrass is supposed to sound like - the forms. Not art but a museum piece, ya know? -10-
Re: Letter from Palermo by Caducus	zodiac 213.186.179.244	24-Aug-05/5:03 AM
Rivers of cataracts is kind of funny, since in the most obvious sense of the word it's practically the same thing. Yes, I know about the less-obvious sense of the word. Not worth the cuteness, says I. But then, I did just post one where the ears she boxes are rabbit-ears, so who am I to talk? Would you consider dropping the air-quotes around comfortable? I think the irony is obvious enough without. Then adding a period and dropping "as" from the next line. Yes, I've a personal thing with "as", and it seems to me like if you're telling a story, like you are, then it's kind of understood that things are happening at the same or almost-same time. That's about it. This is one of the best of yours I've read.
Re: The Big Stupid Dink :) :) by Bethy	zodiac 213.186.179.244	24-Aug-05/5:13 AM
Drop the comma after week and it's the best first verse I've seen lately. Stanza 3's good too. The rest could use work. Here are some directions to take it: 1) What can a poem this long talk about besides the guy was a jerk, at least the kids have great me? Possibilities: the real emotion of a guy leaving, even if he wasn't that great; the empty side of the bed; small bits of human contact. 2) I'd like to have the following commandment for all poetry engraved: Thou shalt not sound reproachless. Thou shalt at least leave some tension surrounding whether the narrator's really a great guy (or girl) or not. Also whether or not the narrator's really on the right track or not. Thou shalt at least leave some room for doubt, lest lightning striketh your unhumble head. Like in the one I just posted: The guy's got some sensitivity problems, leaving his house and fucking women like that. And he might not even be so right about things. Maybe he is, but there's a give-and-take, see what I mean? -9 for the first and third stanzas-
Re: Silence by crooked_smile	zodiac 213.186.179.244	24-Aug-05/5:14 AM
Sometimes talking is overrated
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.67	24-Aug-05/6:11 AM
Thiss starts with a good beat and then blasts through the guardrail and goes sailing into the trees. But you have said you're not a fan of music in poetry so I can't help you, which sucks.
Re: Mystical Chinese Dragon by that_funny_girl	patty t 70.30.211.173	24-Aug-05/6:20 AM
love the beginning. but goes from charming to pretentious right around 'erudite'
Re: The Stone Man by Bethy	PsydewaysTears 69.252.193.18	24-Aug-05/10:38 AM
Sounds like it could be the chorus of a NIN song. Cool!
Re: Art serves a Purpose by i_am_the_popsicle	woodstock20000 209.40.29.18	24-Aug-05/10:55 AM
Lovely.
Re: The Big Stupid Dink :) :) by Bethy	woodstock20000 209.40.29.18	24-Aug-05/10:56 AM
Made me smile. Thank you much.
regarding some deleted poem...	woodstock20000 209.40.29.18	24-Aug-05/10:58 AM
Very interesting.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 12.72.4.44	24-Aug-05/2:30 PM
Somehow the last line sucks. Sorry, I don't mean it that way, it's just the narrator was "siophoned out" and using the foreign "you're" changes the mood. Otherwise good.
Re: Art serves a Purpose by i_am_the_popsicle	Dovina 12.72.4.44	24-Aug-05/2:38 PM
Leave out the parts that tell us what we think - "We all have." "you enjoy it." Your idea is good, but look at the grammar, and be a little slyer (is that a word?) in how you say it.
Re: Crisscrossing My Mind by woodstock20000	Dovina 12.72.4.44	24-Aug-05/2:45 PM
"I lept to love you" - good. But some of of it is not stated very well. Example: "make the world accept you." - impossible, isn't it.
Re: Wrapping a Gift by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	24-Aug-05/2:58 PM
A bunch of no-nos. By that I mean you can just lose the beginning nos', the changes of mind.
Re: Quietus Proprietus by INTRANSIT	Dovina 12.72.4.44	24-Aug-05/3:17 PM
Funny, we each posted a womens-clothing poem at almost the same time, yours with a sadness, mine with a hope. I like yours a lot, maybe a little jealous of her.
Re: Wrapping a Gift by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	24-Aug-05/3:19 PM
Yes this makes me happy.
Re: Wrapping a Gift by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	24-Aug-05/3:28 PM
Who cares what he thinks anyway. I say, Cork Pumps and a pair of daisy dukes should do the trick!
Re: Wrapping a Gift by Dovina	Bethy 24.222.32.240	24-Aug-05/3:29 PM
This will be me on Saturday night...yup! I shaved my legs and got me a date...lol...*10* :) Bethy(a fav!)
regarding some deleted poem...	Bethy 24.222.32.240	24-Aug-05/3:39 PM
This is good!!! I like the flow...:) Bethy