regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.202.128.95	10-Oct-05/4:17 AM
For a moment there i thought of a dog. Glad it was licorice. Wham bam to the point nice one.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.202.128.95	10-Oct-05/4:17 AM
actually was it a dog?
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 212.118.19.108	10-Oct-05/5:00 AM
Don't half-punctuate. Add an apostrophe in October's, commas or periods at the end of practically every line, and commas before and after my love in the last stanza. Other than that - not-so-twentieth-century-audience. And a lot of easy stylizations, it seems. Ask yourself, do you REALLY believe "sin never tasted so heavenly"? What do you think that means, exactly? Do you think there might be an original idea or formulation that comes more closely to what you actually feel about kissing this girl? I bet there is. -Low score-
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 209.247.222.92	10-Oct-05/5:11 AM
Nicely flowing love poem. Verse 3 is puzzling and seems out of place.
Re: Just Before My Shift Ends at The Uptowner by jessicazee	Dovina 209.247.222.92	10-Oct-05/5:14 AM
I laughed and and sympathized. Bar talk is almost spiritual at times, almost like church.
Re: The Enigmatic Pentagram by ObsequiousGem	zodiac 212.118.19.108	10-Oct-05/5:17 AM
I thought this poem was going to be about how a pentigram is enigmatic. I see you've kept clear of that. And everything else enigmatic, apparently.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 212.118.19.108	10-Oct-05/5:38 AM
I wrote a short story once called "Biography" about spectacularly unimaginative couples who can only make conversation until they've finished recounting their respective life stories. Then they have to find new partners. The duration of each successive relationship increases by exactly the amount of time it takes to cover the previous relationship, and so on, until you die.
Re: 10/8 by cronus	zodiac 212.118.19.108	10-Oct-05/5:40 AM
Suggestion: Start sacrificing things you don't love. It's a long shot, but sacrificing what you love doesn't seem to have worked anyway, and what've you really got to lose?
Re: Just Before My Shift Ends at The Uptowner by jessicazee	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.67	10-Oct-05/6:46 AM
If I only knw gambling jargon.....
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.67	10-Oct-05/6:56 AM
You're gonna get hammered ...because there's good material here. I don't like the two different rhyme-schemes going on. For this I think you can do without but keep to natural sounds like your opening stanza. OR maybe four line stanzas alternating a/b/a/b. 7
regarding some deleted poem...	<~> 167.206.181.179	10-Oct-05/7:04 AM
i'd like to see what that smell evoked. give me the feeling that the smell brought up in you.
Re: The chestnut by richa	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.67	10-Oct-05/7:21 AM
I'm researching. back in a minute.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	10-Oct-05/9:14 AM
Sorry bro, but the scene over-all feels dead and lifeless, just like the fresh cut grass stickin to my homeless ass. -no vote-
Re: The chestnut by richa	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	10-Oct-05/9:17 AM
Beatiful... I wish I was you under the chestnut, bonin that girl.
Re: In the berth by INTRANSIT	Dovina 216.117.239.186	10-Oct-05/6:41 PM
Nice, but do you really hear a cat's purr from under the hood?
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	Dovina 216.117.239.186	10-Oct-05/6:43 PM
Verse 2 is especially nice.
Re: In the berth by INTRANSIT	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	11-Oct-05/4:05 AM
I just posted a poem with the same title (guess I shoulda checked first). This one's better in some ways but also much easier to write.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	11-Oct-05/4:36 AM
You certainly are one horny little bastard. I can recognize my own kind from a mile away.
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	richa 81.178.144.102	11-Oct-05/7:44 AM
The lathe of fact indeed. :(
Re: Sleep by ALChemy	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.69	11-Oct-05/9:20 AM
Don't worry about the title clashing with mine. two different sleeps. You have more periods than you need. I would: Line 6-comma,line seven-delete period,9 delete period,11 and 12 delete periods. Till then? I think that can go too. Let the reins out a little.