xxx
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 12:11 AM
Shows tears well.
beautiful
cast a spell on you
yes it is very clumsy worded
Congratulations - judging from the response here, I'd say you're turning legitimate. Legitimacy's a terrible burden, I've heard. It did awful things to Tennyson.
If you don't mind my saying, you might do something to celebrate your new laureate position on the ranker - like ordering that all further posts here be husk-oriented or finishing the AIDS trilogy on a spectacularly offensive note. An aspiring naughty poete can't afford to lose his street-credibility.
Or, if you wish, I'm willing to multiple-zero you or leave hideous garbled comments about feelings on your poems. I don't know - I haven't been here long, but it already seems like the passing of an age when no one will zero you, even out of spite. Where's CLS?
That said, this is hardly your best post. Father Blunderbum is introduced way too late - I have no sense of who he IS. What makes him RUN? And it's really only one TALE from the outhouse, right?
Haiku for you:
I start to suspect /
Typing is hard for you, and /
Reading gives headaches.
I guess they're your stereotypes too. You didn't do anything to make them more. By which I mean, it's good writing, and great images, but ultimately nothing.
I deleted all your votes. Sorry.
You can always end it now and save yourself years of disappointment. Not that I am suggesting anything.
'User has to wait until 3-Feb-04/6:36 PM before posting new poetry.' - PRAISE JESU
Whitey's ain't shit. Lefty's is where it's at. Password: KEN SENT ME.
I like my Jews like I like my coffee.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
Crap -0-
Does not show hate. Merely desire of possession.
For making extremely minor changes (and deleting all previous votes and comments) while completely ignoring the gist of our critique: zero.
'I can´t explain all of this' no but you could at least try to!
Cool, especially the ending.
Like the first verse better, very melodramatic/classic.
(when I finally realised brutal and futile rhyme in american)
Fantastic potential. How many times have you re-written this? It deserves some strong attention. Your beginning really needs to be done over. Sometimes you can get to the point more precisely if you try for less words to make the point. Of course that's my ultimate arguement, I'm all for concise language. For example
"When you re-crafted me for the third time"
"Re-crafting me for the third time".
It's the tininest difference but you go through this poem and tighten it up I think you'll be pleased. I like your poem, and your use of like words to accent the huge differences between you. Keep practicing.