Shuushin
on some deleted poem
2 May 2004, 7:33 PM
Cute.
"only sound" really is tough to pull off...
Some nice images here.
s1 - Great
s2 - Good
s3 - Don't get it.
s4 - Can't relate the two lines
s5 - Great
s6 - It reflects s1 and is great
Cute, the inversion in the second verse is a little baffling (lightly breaking the rain rather than the rain lightly breaking).
Free coupon for "Grandma's Wildflower and Mulch Mix" with every comment or vote.
The first and last verses are a frame for a vague picture in between. The picture gives impressions, not conclusions. Good.
Very funny.
I'd quite like it if you tightened the belt around your hands.
words cannot describe
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
3 May 2004, 10:10 AM
Sadly nice.
I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction.
How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
put down the pen.. and slowly back away from the paper. Pick up a chair and begin to bludgeon yourself until you can no longer stand.
sad.
What a great poem...
Everywhere is one word- S6 L2
...loved "You raped my mind professionally"
Brilliant *10*
summary: People are stupid.
Would maybe the impact be stronger if the first stanza went last?
Pretty good all the way through, never sure about parentheses myself.
Alright, not mad keen on the first verses, I can't work myself out sentiment. Tire should be tyre I think.
Like the final verse.