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Just Another Day (Free verse) by dougsoderstrom
Dawning rays of light, Shouting clock, Sleepy eyes struggling to see, Body up and bathroom bound. Waste expelled, Air fouled, Toilet flushed Fan turned on. Womb-like and warm, Waters from above, Soothing the inner being, Cleansing the outward form. Break fast. Seat belt fastened, While engines rush to work. Yes sir, Yes mam, Whatever you say, The customer is always right, Until we are ready to kill! Five o'clock PM! And time to meet the boys at Yansky's bar, To partake of a little malt and rye, To cleanse the soul, Of labor's pain. The insults of another day, Drowned and numbed, Medicated, Sanity retained? Homeward bound. Hello sweetheart, How's your day? How are all the kids? Is supper ready? Let's all eat. Tommy, did you make the team? And Sue, how was cheerleading today? Have all the bills been paid? Have the dogs been fed? Time to do your homework, Yes, I know it's not fun, Life is not easy, We all have a job to do, Things must get done! Life in a box, Images on a screen, Programs planned for a twelve-year-old mind, Canned laughter, Escape into life without thought. Two more beers. Honey, how do you feel tonight? No headache-------good! Make sure the kids are in bed, And-------- see you a little later? Teeth brushed with sweetened breathe, Cream inserted, Lubricated jelly on the nightstand. Fondled embrace in bed, Movement-prodded fluid exchange, Explosion into ecstasy, Eight seconds of wonder and awe, Eight hours of office fantasies, Tamed at home. Puddled mass of potential life, Some of it on the sheets. Soiled towel. Lights out? Doors locked? I love you, honey, Good night---- and sweet dreams. Doug Soderstrom August 19, 2002 Copyright 2002

Up the ladder: House of the Risen Son
Down the ladder: Bizarre Practices

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.571429
Weighted score: 4.8847394
Overall Rank: 9922
Posted: August 16, 2002 3:09 PM PDT; Last modified: August 19, 2002 9:11 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] poetandknowit @ 65.101.210.121 | 16-Aug-02/3:23 PM | Reply
Fast and furious. I would avoid the first stanza though.
[6] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.173 | 17-Aug-02/2:07 PM | Reply
Good rewrite, now the 1st stanza connects to the rest of the poem.
[n/a] razorgrin @ 142.166.107.159 | 17-Aug-02/3:48 PM | Reply
this is nice. I like it. Why the copyrights, though?
[n/a] deleted user @ 67.40.59.14 | 17-Aug-02/9:47 PM | Reply
I think you have a decent poem here, but you need to look more closely at the tone. What are you trying to say and how do you want to say it? The doldrums speak for themselves and set the pace and the point of the poem, but every once in a while I feel like you step outside and whisper an aside for comic effect. For example, the first seven lines yank the reader in. Then the fan line stops the pace, plus it is a bit cheeky. Maybe just say something like turn the fan on. Keep the dominos falling. Look at each line and how it connects to the next. If it is within the context, you will make it to the end with a good poem.
[9] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 18-Aug-02/6:09 AM | Reply
Doug , mother and I are very proud! what a wonderful tone and mood you've instilled. I like beer. I hate work. I love love puddles. I hate messes. I don't hate you anymore. As an editor to mother I would recommend ending at "I love you" 1 pick, or "good night honey" 2 pick, or "sweet dreams" 3 pick 8/10 (just cuz I've been sinking your other shite)t
[9] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 19-Aug-02/12:42 PM | Reply
It's a much more sticky puddle now Doug. I am proud on this Monday to share in the modesty of the more shady 'real' side of your Christianity. Now what should we do about the muslims? I know, I have a submission in mind. It reads like a japanese migrane bullet train now doug. 9/10. Cuz I love psycho analyzing christian humanist (Bachus was reared in parochial schools)l
[7] Tarquin De La Bog @ 213.1.45.14 | 19-Aug-02/1:31 PM | Reply
Not bad at all. 7. The start to the piece is very good, as is the final third. I'd have personally worked on the middle section a little more; the stanza's seem much more laboured than in other parts of the poem. However, I feel I'm nitpicking now, and so will cease my criticisms. In general, very good. I think the line 'Break fast' is lovely.
[10] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.116.54 | 2-Nov-03/10:50 AM | Reply
A bombastic ah, bomb? 12!!!
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