babbit1117 Aug 2002

I think you have a decent poem here, but you need to look more closely at the tone. What are you trying to say and how do you want to say it? The doldrums speak for themselves and set the pace and the point of the poem, but every once in a while I feel like you step outside and whisper an aside for comic effect. For example, the first seven lines yank the reader in. Then the fan line stops the pace, plus it is a bit cheeky. Maybe just say something like turn the fan on. Keep the dominos falling. Look at each line and how it connects to the next. If it is within the context, you will make it to the end with a good poem.