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Drug Addict (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
empty have been my dreams like hollow stones whispers and fading winds all that i hear now, i fear. ghost visions and shadows haunt the walls, in this old room. seems like years ago, when i would break the window and run away. the morning dreams have come again along with the insomnia, my reality warps once more. its warm in this time capsul and lonely, the pipe warm the smoke curling slow before the morning rays. a lovely coffin.

Up the ladder: Pedaling West
Down the ladder: Black streets of Hackney

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.2689414
Overall Rank: 3792
Posted: October 20, 2003 12:38 AM PDT; Last modified: October 20, 2003 12:38 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.103 | 20-Oct-03/6:07 AM | Reply
34C02011

-8-
[7] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Oct-03/1:19 PM | Reply
what has become of post 11538?
[7] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 | 20-Oct-03/1:10 PM | Reply
"rotting time"
"hollow stone"
"eternal view"
"insomniatic dreams"

I could do with one less "warm" in the last stanza.
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.143 | 20-Oct-03/2:05 PM | Reply
Let’s see:

Line 1: cliché
Line: 2: cliché
Line 3: cliché
Line 4: what are you 14?
Line 5: vague and bordering cliché
Line6: cliché
Line 7/8: see Line 4.
Line: 9 cliché
Line 10: See line 4.
Line 11: why not ev’r more for effect, I mean the poem is shit anyway, might as well go all the way.
Line 12: it’s “it’” – also see line 4.
Line 13/14/15: could be good if not leaning toward cliché
Line 16: stupid. See line 4.

Other than that lovely. And such original thinking.
Why not use Dr. Carawax's patented automatronic poetry-criticism Process? It's top!

http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/mediocre.jsp
[7] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Oct-03/2:28 PM | Reply
Brilliant!!

My mother started using it, and now her age spots have completely faded away!
[8] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > Shuushin | 20-Oct-03/2:35 PM | Reply
I fear you have confused Carawax's Process with Carawax's Liniment. Quickly, make sure she hasn't ... O God!
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.143 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Oct-03/2:38 PM | Reply
Have Mr. Fire put it to work and I shall.
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.143 > poetandknowit | 20-Oct-03/2:37 PM | Reply
Pardon the malfunction in Line 12. It should read it’s (used properly) “it’s”. With Mr. Angel’s time saving device, I would have been spared such indignities.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.177.137 > poetandknowit | 20-Oct-03/3:17 PM | Reply
i think i hate it when you say "Other than that lovely. And such original thinking."

sarcasm hasnt been as viciouse untill you came along.

anyway, self pity is cliche ridden, usually, sue me.
i wrote it to whine, publicly.
[0] poetandknowit @ 65.100.176.64 > SupremeDreamer | 20-Oct-03/10:39 PM | Reply
"self pity is cliche ridden" is a fallacy.
"sarcasm hasnt been as viciouse untill you came along" - I have always been here.
[7] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Oct-03/2:29 PM | Reply
Call it "Drug Addict".
Good one! While you're at it, why not purloin a pea-green Civilian's Cape and smoke opium from a vessel of your own self-pity?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.177.137 > Jeremi B. Handrinos | 20-Oct-03/3:14 PM | Reply
hrmm. why not? thanks for the title.
New Mediocrity Code: 34C8A040
354 view(s)




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